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Substance Abuse
Beginning of the end?
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<blockquote data-quote="Mikey" data-source="post: 127822" data-attributes="member: 3579"><p>Jane/MWM: VERY personal reply, but here goes...</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I understand what you're saying, and normally I would agree. But there's a history between me and wife, and it's partially my fault. Years ago, during a particularly bad stretch, wife used me as a verbal and emotional punching bag for months. I "kind of" understood, for a while, but eventually stood up and said that I'd had enough.</p><p></p><p>Her reply? "Whom else can I talk to about this?".. then, yelling, "<strong><em><u><span style="color: Red">HOW ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH THIS EVERY DAY???</span></u></em></strong>"</p><p></p><p>I backed down, and set the stage for a bad cycle of letting wife take her frustrations and anger out on me.</p><p></p><p>The reason I say that is because of what you said in your post. Yes, I love her very much. Yes, I'm sick of watching my own son treat her so poorly. Yes, I'm tired of watching the cycle endlessly repeat like a bad sitcom on TVLand.</p><p></p><p>But more than that, I'm tired of her taking her anger and frustrations about McW out on me, and then getting angry and defensive when I try to do something about it. Or, worse yet, she now cycles between that behavior and what I call "the icebox", i.e. completely freezing me out emotionally during those bad times (as opposed to "the flamethrower", which is what I've come to expect). </p><p></p><p>Both are bad, bad juju for Mikey.<img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/felttip/greedy.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":greedy:" title="greedy :greedy:" data-shortname=":greedy:" /></p><p></p><p>When this whole thing first started a year or two ago and McWeedy starting acting out, it was wife who was threatening every day to kick him out, and it was <strong>me</strong> trying to "keep the peace". I guess that worked okay as long as she was the one getting angry and doing the yelling. Once I came around, stopped acting stupid and saw that he was getting worse, and actually started agreeing with her and putting the pressure on him as well, it was like a switch went off and I suddenly became the bad guy.</p><p></p><p>Now, when wife gets mad, upset, frustrated, hurt, and betrayed repeatedly by McWeedy, I either get the flamethrower or the icebox (regardless of how hard I try to help, or understand). And I'm just supposed to stand there and take it. Even though I agree with her, even though I'm probably angrier than she is, I'm supposed to be the strong one and just take it....</p><p></p><p>And say nothing. </p><p></p><p>And <strong><u>do</u></strong> nothing.</p><p></p><p>So, I understand and empathize with your statement. I love my wife, and I <em>think</em> I understand the whole detachment thing that everyone suggests. But right now, detaching from McWeedy might also mean detaching from wife. I've already raised that spectre with wife, and am paying the price for it.</p><p></p><p>It's stupid, I know. But I felt you deserved an explanation for why I'm responding the way I am. If anyone can suggest an alternate path that isolates us from McWeedy's rampages yet preserves a meaningful relationship with wife, I'm all ears....</p><p></p><p>Otherwise, the only thing I'm left with is talk therapy here with my friends, people who understand me (and aren't afraid to continue beating me with wet noodles and prayer beads until I get a clue...) <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/redface.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":redface:" title="redface :redface:" data-shortname=":redface:" /> <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/redface.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":redface:" title="redface :redface:" data-shortname=":redface:" /></p><p></p><p>Mikey</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mikey, post: 127822, member: 3579"] Jane/MWM: VERY personal reply, but here goes... I understand what you're saying, and normally I would agree. But there's a history between me and wife, and it's partially my fault. Years ago, during a particularly bad stretch, wife used me as a verbal and emotional punching bag for months. I "kind of" understood, for a while, but eventually stood up and said that I'd had enough. Her reply? "Whom else can I talk to about this?".. then, yelling, "[B][I][U][COLOR="Red"]HOW ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH THIS EVERY DAY???[/COLOR][/U][/I][/B]" I backed down, and set the stage for a bad cycle of letting wife take her frustrations and anger out on me. The reason I say that is because of what you said in your post. Yes, I love her very much. Yes, I'm sick of watching my own son treat her so poorly. Yes, I'm tired of watching the cycle endlessly repeat like a bad sitcom on TVLand. But more than that, I'm tired of her taking her anger and frustrations about McW out on me, and then getting angry and defensive when I try to do something about it. Or, worse yet, she now cycles between that behavior and what I call "the icebox", i.e. completely freezing me out emotionally during those bad times (as opposed to "the flamethrower", which is what I've come to expect). Both are bad, bad juju for Mikey.:greedy: When this whole thing first started a year or two ago and McWeedy starting acting out, it was wife who was threatening every day to kick him out, and it was [B]me[/B] trying to "keep the peace". I guess that worked okay as long as she was the one getting angry and doing the yelling. Once I came around, stopped acting stupid and saw that he was getting worse, and actually started agreeing with her and putting the pressure on him as well, it was like a switch went off and I suddenly became the bad guy. Now, when wife gets mad, upset, frustrated, hurt, and betrayed repeatedly by McWeedy, I either get the flamethrower or the icebox (regardless of how hard I try to help, or understand). And I'm just supposed to stand there and take it. Even though I agree with her, even though I'm probably angrier than she is, I'm supposed to be the strong one and just take it.... And say nothing. And [B][U]do[/U][/B] nothing. So, I understand and empathize with your statement. I love my wife, and I [I]think[/I] I understand the whole detachment thing that everyone suggests. But right now, detaching from McWeedy might also mean detaching from wife. I've already raised that spectre with wife, and am paying the price for it. It's stupid, I know. But I felt you deserved an explanation for why I'm responding the way I am. If anyone can suggest an alternate path that isolates us from McWeedy's rampages yet preserves a meaningful relationship with wife, I'm all ears.... Otherwise, the only thing I'm left with is talk therapy here with my friends, people who understand me (and aren't afraid to continue beating me with wet noodles and prayer beads until I get a clue...) :blushing2: :blushing2: Mikey [/QUOTE]
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