Zippy -
What a cool name. Can't wait to see what you pick for an avatar. Welcome! Yeah, I was kinda thinking it would be helpful to see you answer Daisy and Smallworld's questions.
I have one too. Has there been any trauma or changes in her life since she was 2? By trauma or changes I don't mean what an adult would call trauma (the obvious of course, animal attack, bad fall, etc.) - I mean anything like divorce, separation, move, loss of a friend? Any other changes that may even be the sligtest bit subtle that you say you noticed the change in her behavior around or after that time? Could even be a thunderstorm or witnessing something bizarre or scary, unknown.
A lot of 'our' kids with conduct disorder have layers of behaviors that grow over a period of years and psychologists are just now figuring out that these needed to be addressed when they were MUCH younger. Four, Five - in therapy. The catch it when they are young idea is very growing.
Another thing you need to be aware of is this - a lot of our kids (and consider yourself lucky if you can believe this) CAN maintain for periods of time in one place or another and then WHAM. Your daughter seems to be able to hold herself together at school, for a period of time at friends and then by the time she gets home? KABOOM! Possibly because with you? She feels safe. Sounds ridiculous, but it's a place where she can release all the tension she feels from having to hold it together all day long. If she has ADHD? Have you ever tried to find out what it's like in the head of an ADHDer? I didn't either then I came here and googled just that - What it's like in the head of an ADHDer and OmWord..I nearly cried the first time I listened to the recording of what it's like inside their head. What they hear, how they process information, and then to listen to other outside things on top of trying to do school work, people? I'm telling you, if that were me (and it is slightly I have adult ADD) it's just insane, and stimulants make me worse. So by the time she gets home if she does have ADD or ADHD? She could just be ready to explode and unfortunately for you? She's comfortable with unconditional love. You aren't going to throw her out, or send her to jail - so it's a safe place to blow up. (Just a theory of course) and YOU? Not being used to being talked to like a Pirate -of course probably react in like kind after a period of time - and it escalates, does none of you any good, you get frustrated, she's frustrated - no one wins - and everyone goes to bed frustrated, upset and this is how it perpetuates until someone says "Okay lets just start over." and then you wonder "How many bloody times do we give her a fresh start?" and if you have other kids in the house they're saying "But she gets do-overs all the time!" (insert whine) and the dog and cat are hiding from the little terror, and you love this child but now you're beginning to wonder (ever so slightly) even though she looks like you or your husband IF the hospital perhaps sent home the wrong child......yeah I even checked the little tag I cut off his wrist and put into his scrap book - I'm sure others here did the same at some given point. you're not alone any more.
Anyway - There is a really good book out - I recommend it a lot. It's about effective communication called How to talk to kids so they will listen and how to listen so kids will talk. EXCELLENT - it should come with the pregnancy announcement. Don't let the kid see you reading it or doing the work pages but RUN screaming to BAM or Amazon - it's worth it's weight in gold. It's like a 2 page a week gold-mine. It will help and if you are in counseling? Throw away the funky charts and chips - save yourself the aggravation. She's 12 - she's looking for short term goals and short term consequences. Charts and chips are for babies. Three chores, three rewards, three consequences - IMMEDIATELY served and ONE long term consequence and GOAL - BIG ONE - like something a little above age appropriate - not sure what that is for a 12 year old girl nowadays - but I'm guessing colored lip gloss, press on nails, lava light or a Twilight book? Not sure - (I'm probably so lame) as for consequence? Scrub a litter pan or take out the garbage whole house. Something really easy at first.
Glad you are here.
Hugs
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