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Family of Origin
Being a bit player in mother's fantasy film of her life.
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 671159" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Here is an interesting thing. As I accepted that there were serious strangenesses in the way my family of origin interacts, there came a time when I would remember a given incident and realize that I understood I had not been responsible. And I realized that always before, I must have believed that somehow, I <em>was</em> responsible. As we began this process of reviewing our traumatic pasts, there came a time too when I no longer wondered what was the matter with me for thinking as I was thinking, about people I was supposed to love. I wondered whether I might have been secretly mean all along, and whether that was the reason these things happened. (Remember when I was forever posting: What kind of person thinks like this.) At some point, I seem to have stopped doing that. I post things indicating an acknowledgment of the ugliness of it, but I seem not to question my own integrity in confessing or reviewing my own memories.</p><p></p><p>So at some point, there was a time when I did not believe myself, or when I did not believe I was entitled to respectful treatment...and that is resolving in my favor.</p><p></p><p>I am beginning to see almost everything from a different perspective, just lately. Even where my mom and my sister are concerned, it's like we are all caught in something; like we are trapped somehow, and going through the gears.</p><p></p><p>So, that is an important piece to note.</p><p></p><p>I don't know whether that is how it looks once we are not feeling ashamed of ourselves for choices others make, or just what this is.</p><p></p><p>It isn't so much that I am blaming someone else in order to acknowledge that I am not responsible so much as it is that there seems to be some complex thing, turning and turning and turning.</p><p></p><p>It isn't that I am not judging. If anything, I am judging, laying blame, assigning responsibility. If anything, I am seeing that my sister, my mother, my brother ~ me, too ~ all of us, adults making choices. This is very different imagery than that family dinner I was always posting about. This is the imagery that has taken its place. People making choices for their own best benefit. If my situation were different, I may have made the same choices my sibs have made, or even, those that my mother made, and continues to make.</p><p></p><p>The final observation is that this same mindset that we were responsible for, or that we somehow deserved, or that we had no right to complain and demand redress for wrongnesses done us ~ this is how we saw what was happening as our children became more and more troubled. That is what did us in and made us weak. That set of belief systems. </p><p></p><p>How could we be angry with the kids, how could we stop enabling, when we feel every hurt, every failure, was our fault, was some shortcoming we could not see.</p><p></p><p>It's something like that that I am thinking, this afternoon.</p><p></p><p>I don't know whether I am making a valid point or not. </p><p></p><p>It has to do with seeing our siblings as persons we are required to protect <em>though they are in their fifties and sixties.</em> It has something to do with our inabilities to see our adult children as adults, and with enabling ~ with how and why we enable, and with what keeps us hooked in to that.</p><p></p><p>But I am not through it yet.</p><p></p><p>So I am not so sure how all the pieces go together.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 671159, member: 17461"] Here is an interesting thing. As I accepted that there were serious strangenesses in the way my family of origin interacts, there came a time when I would remember a given incident and realize that I understood I had not been responsible. And I realized that always before, I must have believed that somehow, I [I]was[/I] responsible. As we began this process of reviewing our traumatic pasts, there came a time too when I no longer wondered what was the matter with me for thinking as I was thinking, about people I was supposed to love. I wondered whether I might have been secretly mean all along, and whether that was the reason these things happened. (Remember when I was forever posting: What kind of person thinks like this.) At some point, I seem to have stopped doing that. I post things indicating an acknowledgment of the ugliness of it, but I seem not to question my own integrity in confessing or reviewing my own memories. So at some point, there was a time when I did not believe myself, or when I did not believe I was entitled to respectful treatment...and that is resolving in my favor. I am beginning to see almost everything from a different perspective, just lately. Even where my mom and my sister are concerned, it's like we are all caught in something; like we are trapped somehow, and going through the gears. So, that is an important piece to note. I don't know whether that is how it looks once we are not feeling ashamed of ourselves for choices others make, or just what this is. It isn't so much that I am blaming someone else in order to acknowledge that I am not responsible so much as it is that there seems to be some complex thing, turning and turning and turning. It isn't that I am not judging. If anything, I am judging, laying blame, assigning responsibility. If anything, I am seeing that my sister, my mother, my brother ~ me, too ~ all of us, adults making choices. This is very different imagery than that family dinner I was always posting about. This is the imagery that has taken its place. People making choices for their own best benefit. If my situation were different, I may have made the same choices my sibs have made, or even, those that my mother made, and continues to make. The final observation is that this same mindset that we were responsible for, or that we somehow deserved, or that we had no right to complain and demand redress for wrongnesses done us ~ this is how we saw what was happening as our children became more and more troubled. That is what did us in and made us weak. That set of belief systems. How could we be angry with the kids, how could we stop enabling, when we feel every hurt, every failure, was our fault, was some shortcoming we could not see. It's something like that that I am thinking, this afternoon. I don't know whether I am making a valid point or not. It has to do with seeing our siblings as persons we are required to protect [I]though they are in their fifties and sixties.[/I] It has something to do with our inabilities to see our adult children as adults, and with enabling ~ with how and why we enable, and with what keeps us hooked in to that. But I am not through it yet. So I am not so sure how all the pieces go together. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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Being a bit player in mother's fantasy film of her life.
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