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Family of Origin
Being a bit player in mother's fantasy film of her life.
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 671511" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I think you are right, Copa. I did know the difference between the way my home felt, and the way the homes of other little girls felt. I did know other little girls seemed not to be afraid of their mothers, almost sickened in their presence, the way that I was. Even now, I have a sense of surprise as I pull the facts together.</p><p></p><p>It is sad, Copa.</p><p></p><p>But when I really begin to understand the hidden or underlying dynamic in my family of origin, I am more proud and amazed at myself that I came out of it as me. I love it that we are working at this level.</p><p></p><p>When I am sad, I am sad for me, now.</p><p></p><p>Not them.</p><p></p><p>I am not forever believing we can do better, believing that somehow, we can be like other families if only someone is willing to make dinner to which all are welcome. </p><p></p><p>That is not how things are done, in my family of origin.</p><p></p><p>In this phase of my recovery, that is the realization that heals.</p><p></p><p>It is like living in the dark, and in the desert in the cold of the night and finding it beautiful. (Neitzsche, however we spell it, fits, here: We love because love came first.) And then, one day, you go to the seashore. </p><p></p><p>And you learn the others have always lived near the sea, and that you never even knew such a free and beautiful thing as a seashore existed. Could it be possible to claim that bright freedom for your own life?</p><p></p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p>That is what this part feels like.</p><p></p><p>How sad for all of us, and how truly fortunate, however sad it is, that I can see it this way, now.</p><p></p><p>I can see the beatings differently. I can see the expectations so differently as to make me now, clear as glass. For the mother in my family of origin, desert was preferred choice. Weakening us, keeping us weak <em>and divided</em> was (and continues to be) the only way to empower herself.</p><p></p><p>Power, as opposed to love or joy.</p><p></p><p>And it just rings true. And it is a sadness, but it does not make me sad.</p><p></p><p>It just is.</p><p></p><p>So, a form of Radical Acceptance, then.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Even this business of shunning and the threat of it ~ I think that has always been the dynamic. I had posted, back in the beginning, about a birthday party my mother gave for me. (The only one, unless I am remembering incorrectly.) And how sick I made myself worrying that she would treat me publicly as she did in private, and how badly I did not want that to happen in front of the other little girls.</p><p></p><p>Nothing bad happened, but I can remember so much about that afternoon, and about the party itself, all of it with that electric taste in my mouth; all of it focused on my mother's face, and a sense of powerlessness.</p><p></p><p>Maybe I was just a very weird little girl. But I think that is so beautifully not true. </p><p></p><p>So, you are very right, Copa.</p><p></p><p>I did know. I just did not let myself remember correctly. Unless a thing was very traumatic, I did not remember it. Or I forgave it, never considering how the thing was generated, where it had come from, how it could be. But those are very important questions, when we forgive and those we love (and I do love them, actually) are toxic to us,and the toxicity is an intentional thing. We can forgive and be forgiven when we were unconscious, but these people are adults, too. They know what they are doing as surely as I do myself.</p><p></p><p>I don't feel I can effect anything happening in my family of origin, today ~ don't feel I would be able to change to what they want without compromising the essentialness of me.</p><p></p><p>And of course, that is true.</p><p></p><p>I no longer believe in that family dinner I was so sure we could create.</p><p></p><p>Another way to understand this true thing has not yet evolved. That emptiness is why we are sad, Copa. Nothing to do with the real people in our families of origin. We are sad at the emptiness and at the pointless, endless ugliness ~ at the cheapness of what was bought, and at the cost of it to ourselves.</p><p></p><p>That is sad.</p><p></p><p>But it is better to know.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Still, being shunned sucks very much. Even when we do understand, or at least, have a glimmering of beginning to understand, the dynamic behind it. I read something once about "As above, so below." The meaning I took from that is that we can learn about our own finite worlds and understand how things work both microscopically and metaphysically. (If that is the word I want.) I do know there are families where the family dynamic is a very, very different thing. I have seen and worked with them. The difference echoes Serenity's posting to us about role flexibility versus role rigidity.</p><p></p><p>So there is hope for us all, then.</p><p></p><p>Perhaps the most strengthening thing for us, for those treated so outrageously unfairly, so stupidly meanly as children, that is the most cleansing thing we could know. Maybe, we should begin a study of healthy families. Here is something else I read: "If you would be healthy, study health."</p><p></p><p>That is where we will go as we heal.</p><p></p><p>To be affected by neither blame <em>nor praise.</em></p><p></p><p>That is the center, the point of balance.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 671511, member: 17461"] I think you are right, Copa. I did know the difference between the way my home felt, and the way the homes of other little girls felt. I did know other little girls seemed not to be afraid of their mothers, almost sickened in their presence, the way that I was. Even now, I have a sense of surprise as I pull the facts together. It is sad, Copa. But when I really begin to understand the hidden or underlying dynamic in my family of origin, I am more proud and amazed at myself that I came out of it as me. I love it that we are working at this level. When I am sad, I am sad for me, now. Not them. I am not forever believing we can do better, believing that somehow, we can be like other families if only someone is willing to make dinner to which all are welcome. That is not how things are done, in my family of origin. In this phase of my recovery, that is the realization that heals. It is like living in the dark, and in the desert in the cold of the night and finding it beautiful. (Neitzsche, however we spell it, fits, here: We love because love came first.) And then, one day, you go to the seashore. And you learn the others have always lived near the sea, and that you never even knew such a free and beautiful thing as a seashore existed. Could it be possible to claim that bright freedom for your own life? Yes. That is what this part feels like. How sad for all of us, and how truly fortunate, however sad it is, that I can see it this way, now. I can see the beatings differently. I can see the expectations so differently as to make me now, clear as glass. For the mother in my family of origin, desert was preferred choice. Weakening us, keeping us weak [I]and divided[/I] was (and continues to be) the only way to empower herself. Power, as opposed to love or joy. And it just rings true. And it is a sadness, but it does not make me sad. It just is. So, a form of Radical Acceptance, then. *** Even this business of shunning and the threat of it ~ I think that has always been the dynamic. I had posted, back in the beginning, about a birthday party my mother gave for me. (The only one, unless I am remembering incorrectly.) And how sick I made myself worrying that she would treat me publicly as she did in private, and how badly I did not want that to happen in front of the other little girls. Nothing bad happened, but I can remember so much about that afternoon, and about the party itself, all of it with that electric taste in my mouth; all of it focused on my mother's face, and a sense of powerlessness. Maybe I was just a very weird little girl. But I think that is so beautifully not true. So, you are very right, Copa. I did know. I just did not let myself remember correctly. Unless a thing was very traumatic, I did not remember it. Or I forgave it, never considering how the thing was generated, where it had come from, how it could be. But those are very important questions, when we forgive and those we love (and I do love them, actually) are toxic to us,and the toxicity is an intentional thing. We can forgive and be forgiven when we were unconscious, but these people are adults, too. They know what they are doing as surely as I do myself. I don't feel I can effect anything happening in my family of origin, today ~ don't feel I would be able to change to what they want without compromising the essentialness of me. And of course, that is true. I no longer believe in that family dinner I was so sure we could create. Another way to understand this true thing has not yet evolved. That emptiness is why we are sad, Copa. Nothing to do with the real people in our families of origin. We are sad at the emptiness and at the pointless, endless ugliness ~ at the cheapness of what was bought, and at the cost of it to ourselves. That is sad. But it is better to know. *** Still, being shunned sucks very much. Even when we do understand, or at least, have a glimmering of beginning to understand, the dynamic behind it. I read something once about "As above, so below." The meaning I took from that is that we can learn about our own finite worlds and understand how things work both microscopically and metaphysically. (If that is the word I want.) I do know there are families where the family dynamic is a very, very different thing. I have seen and worked with them. The difference echoes Serenity's posting to us about role flexibility versus role rigidity. So there is hope for us all, then. Perhaps the most strengthening thing for us, for those treated so outrageously unfairly, so stupidly meanly as children, that is the most cleansing thing we could know. Maybe, we should begin a study of healthy families. Here is something else I read: "If you would be healthy, study health." That is where we will go as we heal. To be affected by neither blame [I]nor praise.[/I] That is the center, the point of balance. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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