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Family of Origin
Being who we are, even if FOO is different and doesn't like it
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 671939" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>That is where son has been for years and years regarding both D H and myself.</p><p></p><p>He calls us by our first names, because he says we deserve nothing more.</p><p></p><p>This is when we were still sending money or paying fines or taking him in.</p><p></p><p>And now too, of course.</p><p></p><p>There is and has been a feeling of hatred and contempt and that has gone on, has been the flavor of our relationship, for years. He is forty, now. He will inherit whatever we have, along with his sister. If I am to begin taking my son at his word, there is nothing more than that, from his side. I did not know that, Copa. I never took him seriously; I did not honor my son in believing he chose his words intentionally, and that he meant what he said. </p><p></p><p>A choice on my part.</p><p></p><p>Just like I believed in that family dinner instead of admitting my situation as regards my family of origin. D H and I were talking about that last night. I think it was too painful to acknowledge any of it so I leaped into denial and denial is a very complex and beautifully constructed thing. It is most horrific, when we begin to dismantle it.</p><p></p><p>But I think we cannot be free unless we do.</p><p></p><p>How shaming, to be seen like that by one's own son, and to have allowed it. Or to have been seen in the ways my daughter has seen me, and to have allowed it.</p><p></p><p>D H says it is not shaming. That it just is what it is. </p><p></p><p>And that it has nothing to do with us, really.</p><p></p><p>And that it changes nothing.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>But for me, it does.</p><p></p><p>Like in Tapestry. The frog reaches for something golden hanging from the Tree. And her hands come up empty.</p><p></p><p>It is what it is.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Your stomach hurts and I can't breathe. What a pair we make, Copa!</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>You were correct in these actions, and this thinking, Copa. You would have been remiss (as I have been too, I see that now), in condoning the behaviors your son was indulging in, before. </p><p></p><p>We are their mothers, Copa.</p><p></p><p>We must set the standard, if they will not, or if the standards they set are the standards of rabid animals. We are not and never were required to see ourselves as less than; were never required and should never have allowed, ourselves to be seen and treated and used as funnels for money, or for safe harbor to practice an addiction.</p><p></p><p>How corrupt.</p><p></p><p>They were not raised to behave as they are behaving, now.</p><p></p><p>Your son is still young. Mine is forty. That is a very great many holidays to have missed. A very great many terrible memories to have lived.</p><p></p><p>Snip.</p><p></p><p>Not "snip" the ties to my son, but to my illusions about just what this is. That I love him is just a fact, nothing more. It has nothing to do with him.</p><p></p><p>Or my daughter, or my regrets.</p><p></p><p>I watched something yesterday about the life of Jaqueline Kennedy. What the challenges were, how different that life lived was from the way it looked; how it was that she lived it and came through it.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Very strong mothers would not have tolerated what we have tolerated from our sons <em>and so their sons would not have done what our sons did.</em> Neither you nor I would have allowed such behaviors from our sons as toddlers or little boys or adolescents. As they grew into their manhoods, our sons took themselves in other directions, learned other moral codes. </p><p></p><p>That we accept moral codes other than those we raised them with is a wrongness against our sons.</p><p></p><p>For me, for this morning, this is true.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I am blown away.</p><p></p><p>I have been in boats on the ocean when the water was rough, and in boats on Lake Superior when the water was (to me) rough, but I have never seen anything like this. </p><p></p><p>Oh, wow.</p><p></p><p>Thank you.</p><p></p><p>Here is the magic of this site. I was just now feeling all lost and forlorn about who cares what. I watched that video.</p><p></p><p>Oh, wow.</p><p></p><p>There are things happening in the world that I should be part of. What happened with my kids is just what happened. I can hardly believe you lived through it, Leafy. <em>Did</em> everyone live through it? Was is cold or warm? </p><p></p><p>Oh, wow.</p><p></p><p>You must have incredible muscular strength.</p><p></p><p>Exhilarating.</p><p></p><p>Ten-women teams. I like that very much.</p><p></p><p>Were you very afraid?</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Do not invite him. Tell him now that your plans have changed, and that your thinking has changed. There will be nothing pleasant about that conversation Copa, but is it true that you fear your son will not leave your home once he is back in?</p><p></p><p>He cannot come for Thanksgiving, Copa. </p><p></p><p>You are not required to explain or justify. He knows what he did, and he knows it was wrong. In the end, if we stay moral ourselves, it is possible our sons will change course.</p><p></p><p>Or not, in the case of my son.</p><p></p><p>I feel bright and brittle with anger this morning.</p><p></p><p>I apologize.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 671939, member: 17461"] That is where son has been for years and years regarding both D H and myself. He calls us by our first names, because he says we deserve nothing more. This is when we were still sending money or paying fines or taking him in. And now too, of course. There is and has been a feeling of hatred and contempt and that has gone on, has been the flavor of our relationship, for years. He is forty, now. He will inherit whatever we have, along with his sister. If I am to begin taking my son at his word, there is nothing more than that, from his side. I did not know that, Copa. I never took him seriously; I did not honor my son in believing he chose his words intentionally, and that he meant what he said. A choice on my part. Just like I believed in that family dinner instead of admitting my situation as regards my family of origin. D H and I were talking about that last night. I think it was too painful to acknowledge any of it so I leaped into denial and denial is a very complex and beautifully constructed thing. It is most horrific, when we begin to dismantle it. But I think we cannot be free unless we do. How shaming, to be seen like that by one's own son, and to have allowed it. Or to have been seen in the ways my daughter has seen me, and to have allowed it. D H says it is not shaming. That it just is what it is. And that it has nothing to do with us, really. And that it changes nothing. *** But for me, it does. Like in Tapestry. The frog reaches for something golden hanging from the Tree. And her hands come up empty. It is what it is. Your stomach hurts and I can't breathe. What a pair we make, Copa! :O) You were correct in these actions, and this thinking, Copa. You would have been remiss (as I have been too, I see that now), in condoning the behaviors your son was indulging in, before. We are their mothers, Copa. We must set the standard, if they will not, or if the standards they set are the standards of rabid animals. We are not and never were required to see ourselves as less than; were never required and should never have allowed, ourselves to be seen and treated and used as funnels for money, or for safe harbor to practice an addiction. How corrupt. They were not raised to behave as they are behaving, now. Your son is still young. Mine is forty. That is a very great many holidays to have missed. A very great many terrible memories to have lived. Snip. Not "snip" the ties to my son, but to my illusions about just what this is. That I love him is just a fact, nothing more. It has nothing to do with him. Or my daughter, or my regrets. I watched something yesterday about the life of Jaqueline Kennedy. What the challenges were, how different that life lived was from the way it looked; how it was that she lived it and came through it. *** Very strong mothers would not have tolerated what we have tolerated from our sons [I]and so their sons would not have done what our sons did.[/I] Neither you nor I would have allowed such behaviors from our sons as toddlers or little boys or adolescents. As they grew into their manhoods, our sons took themselves in other directions, learned other moral codes. That we accept moral codes other than those we raised them with is a wrongness against our sons. For me, for this morning, this is true. I am blown away. I have been in boats on the ocean when the water was rough, and in boats on Lake Superior when the water was (to me) rough, but I have never seen anything like this. Oh, wow. Thank you. Here is the magic of this site. I was just now feeling all lost and forlorn about who cares what. I watched that video. Oh, wow. There are things happening in the world that I should be part of. What happened with my kids is just what happened. I can hardly believe you lived through it, Leafy. [I]Did[/I] everyone live through it? Was is cold or warm? Oh, wow. You must have incredible muscular strength. Exhilarating. Ten-women teams. I like that very much. Were you very afraid? Cedar Do not invite him. Tell him now that your plans have changed, and that your thinking has changed. There will be nothing pleasant about that conversation Copa, but is it true that you fear your son will not leave your home once he is back in? He cannot come for Thanksgiving, Copa. You are not required to explain or justify. He knows what he did, and he knows it was wrong. In the end, if we stay moral ourselves, it is possible our sons will change course. Or not, in the case of my son. I feel bright and brittle with anger this morning. I apologize. [/QUOTE]
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