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Being who we are, even if FOO is different and doesn't like it
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 672165" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>She is 36, Cedar, a grown woman. Whether or not the yoga pants message is the other side of yellowed snow, marking territory, an insult (for I found an article of my clothing muddied on the ground), or the benign explanation of coming to bathe, and relax, it is what it is.</p><p></p><p>My rationale is this, if my daughter has changed, would she not have come when we were at home?</p><p>Better, yet, would she not avail herself of the <em>many </em>shelters here, of the<em> many </em>residential treatment facilities?</p><p> This is what daughter attempts. I need to name her. My d c with children is Tornado, this one shall be...I don't know yet, I shall think on it.</p><p>Anyway, looking back, this is what she does. Overly comfortable and presumptuous to a point of contempt.</p><p> How can one be a good house guest, with no respect? Certainly, my other adult children will come and make themselves at home, but in a respectful way. The d cs, ugh. You are right Copa, if we cannot be respected in our own homes, the d cs should not be welcome there, until they have changed. That is how I feel. As son said to me "Mom, why should we have people (sisters) in our home, when we have to lock away our valuables?" Smart, smart boy. Would this locking away valuables pertain to our hearts and feelings, too? If our d cs not only steal from us, but use words and manipulations to hurt us, should we have them in our homes? On our minds? Huh.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I still hold hope for my d cs, in giving them to God. Within that, is the cold, hard, ugly truth that they are still in the throes of active addiction, and if or when they are not using, have a long battle with their disease.</p><p>Still, they may come out of it with contempt for me. And I? I shall love them, but from afar, if that is what I must do to protect myself.</p><p></p><p> When you find it, please let me know sister.</p><p></p><p></p><p>How frank and honest and pragmatic menfolk are.</p><p> It is indeed strange. As we examine our pasts, what do our children have to say about their FOO-us? In the long run, we are all imperfect humans trying to do the best we can in an imperfect world.</p><p></p><p> And that is okay, keep it simple. Will he even hear the words as you speak them? I have learned that in my d cs contempt of me, like teenagers, they will twist everything said, even the kindest of things. Keep it simple.</p><p></p><p> Wise, wise D H.</p><p></p><p> So do my d.cs, in every way. That is why after hurling the vilest of insults at the top of her lungs for her children, God and all the world to hear, Tornado has not called to apologize. She meant it. Then the oldest, slipping off without a word, she means that. Their birthdays have come and gone. I felt a twinge, just a tiny one.</p><p>But there is nothing left to say.</p><p></p><p></p><p>No disrespect from her or any of my children it is unacceptable. Yes Copa. In many ways she is herself, in many, not. As Cedar struggles with her son, meaning what he says, yes, she is herself.</p><p> It is up to her to find herself, somewhere locked up in the crazy addiction, and get help. I have not enough words to help her. She does not see me as I would see myself in this journey.</p><p> Choosing a higher path, Cedar? That would be enough for me, at this point. I do not want to go to the pit of despair due to my deep love for them. I have numbed it, the deep love. I love them, but will not sacrifice myself anymore. I do not need to speak with them, it would fall on deaf ears. Wasted breath, wasted words.</p><p></p><p> Smart man. Epictetus wrote</p><p>"It is not external events themselves that cause us distress, but they way in which we think about them, our interpretation of their significance. It is our attitudes and reactions that give us trouble. We cannot choose our external circumstances, but we can always choose how we respond to them."</p><p></p><p> Huh. I guess our heart strings tug at us to see things how we would be able to accept them. It is better to think our d cs do not know that they are hurting us I guess. I need to have this in the front of my mind now, because it is true. Because I have to look not only at the damage done to hubs and I, but to my son. Seeing through his eyes, the agony his sisters have put him through, Cedar, and the sisters don't care. </p><p>And now I am angry at them and at myself, for not seeing this <em>way </em>earlier.</p><p></p><p> Or even, "Do not talk to me like that" .</p><p>I think that is what John Rosemond is trying to get at. That in raising children, society has come so far away from the values once taught, that rules are made and expected to be followed. Parents should be respected. My favorite parental quote <strong><em>"Because I said so." </em></strong>That is what has been lost now. The simplicity of it. I see parents at my school trying to stand up for their children over and over again, as if they could do no wrong. Children go home and complain of their teachers, we did not do this Cedar, we would get in trouble ourselves. Now, the parents are calling and complaining to the school, on the word of their children alone. Things have gone topsy-turvy.</p><p></p><p> Yes, there is dignity in my hubs showing love through washing our d cs clothes. But there is also the other side of the coin, her taking advantage of that love. This hard, hard working man, washing her clothes while she was stealing from us, our hearts, time. She is drugging, that is why she does not have a home, a place to bathe, to wash clothes. That is the ugly, naked truth of it.</p><p></p><p> It is the truth Cedar, they mean what they say. They are our children, and they mean what they say.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p> I have cleaned many a floor with misery, frustration and angers' tears.</p><p></p><p> You are funny Cedar, in the throes of deep discussion, the laughter is refreshing, thank you for that.</p><p></p><p></p><p>As did my</p><p></p><p>WTF. Is right, Cedar, for all of us, WTF.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Ouch.</p><p>For me too, Cedar, my eldest d c has said similar things, "Dad has money stashed away" Huh.</p><p>So it comes down to this, waiting for us to go, so that she may have what little we do have.</p><p>Which is not much at all. She will be disappointed.That kind of makes me smile. Ha ha.</p><p> The matter is Cedar, that we all mess up.</p><p>People have come out of all kinds of terrible, terrible situations and lived healthy, meaningful lives. I refuse to believe that my mistakes led to my d cs self destruction. Then, I am buying into their...propaganda.</p><p></p><p></p><p>The "Emperor who Wore no Clothes" and there it is, for all it is worth.</p><p>And, so we live and breathe.</p><p></p><p>If Gods children even his angels fell from His grace, who are we to question when ours stumble and fall of their own choosing?</p><p></p><p>The answer to this is free will, sisters. Our children became adults and exercised free will. </p><p>They chose. </p><p>This does not mean they will stay where they are at, but they chose. </p><p></p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 672165, member: 19522"] She is 36, Cedar, a grown woman. Whether or not the yoga pants message is the other side of yellowed snow, marking territory, an insult (for I found an article of my clothing muddied on the ground), or the benign explanation of coming to bathe, and relax, it is what it is. My rationale is this, if my daughter has changed, would she not have come when we were at home? Better, yet, would she not avail herself of the [I]many [/I]shelters here, of the[I] many [/I]residential treatment facilities? This is what daughter attempts. I need to name her. My d c with children is Tornado, this one shall be...I don't know yet, I shall think on it. Anyway, looking back, this is what she does. Overly comfortable and presumptuous to a point of contempt. How can one be a good house guest, with no respect? Certainly, my other adult children will come and make themselves at home, but in a respectful way. The d cs, ugh. You are right Copa, if we cannot be respected in our own homes, the d cs should not be welcome there, until they have changed. That is how I feel. As son said to me "Mom, why should we have people (sisters) in our home, when we have to lock away our valuables?" Smart, smart boy. Would this locking away valuables pertain to our hearts and feelings, too? If our d cs not only steal from us, but use words and manipulations to hurt us, should we have them in our homes? On our minds? Huh. I still hold hope for my d cs, in giving them to God. Within that, is the cold, hard, ugly truth that they are still in the throes of active addiction, and if or when they are not using, have a long battle with their disease. Still, they may come out of it with contempt for me. And I? I shall love them, but from afar, if that is what I must do to protect myself. When you find it, please let me know sister. How frank and honest and pragmatic menfolk are. It is indeed strange. As we examine our pasts, what do our children have to say about their FOO-us? In the long run, we are all imperfect humans trying to do the best we can in an imperfect world. And that is okay, keep it simple. Will he even hear the words as you speak them? I have learned that in my d cs contempt of me, like teenagers, they will twist everything said, even the kindest of things. Keep it simple. Wise, wise D H. So do my d.cs, in every way. That is why after hurling the vilest of insults at the top of her lungs for her children, God and all the world to hear, Tornado has not called to apologize. She meant it. Then the oldest, slipping off without a word, she means that. Their birthdays have come and gone. I felt a twinge, just a tiny one. But there is nothing left to say. No disrespect from her or any of my children it is unacceptable. Yes Copa. In many ways she is herself, in many, not. As Cedar struggles with her son, meaning what he says, yes, she is herself. It is up to her to find herself, somewhere locked up in the crazy addiction, and get help. I have not enough words to help her. She does not see me as I would see myself in this journey. Choosing a higher path, Cedar? That would be enough for me, at this point. I do not want to go to the pit of despair due to my deep love for them. I have numbed it, the deep love. I love them, but will not sacrifice myself anymore. I do not need to speak with them, it would fall on deaf ears. Wasted breath, wasted words. Smart man. Epictetus wrote "It is not external events themselves that cause us distress, but they way in which we think about them, our interpretation of their significance. It is our attitudes and reactions that give us trouble. We cannot choose our external circumstances, but we can always choose how we respond to them." Huh. I guess our heart strings tug at us to see things how we would be able to accept them. It is better to think our d cs do not know that they are hurting us I guess. I need to have this in the front of my mind now, because it is true. Because I have to look not only at the damage done to hubs and I, but to my son. Seeing through his eyes, the agony his sisters have put him through, Cedar, and the sisters don't care. And now I am angry at them and at myself, for not seeing this [I]way [/I]earlier. Or even, "Do not talk to me like that" . I think that is what John Rosemond is trying to get at. That in raising children, society has come so far away from the values once taught, that rules are made and expected to be followed. Parents should be respected. My favorite parental quote [B][I]"Because I said so." [/I][/B]That is what has been lost now. The simplicity of it. I see parents at my school trying to stand up for their children over and over again, as if they could do no wrong. Children go home and complain of their teachers, we did not do this Cedar, we would get in trouble ourselves. Now, the parents are calling and complaining to the school, on the word of their children alone. Things have gone topsy-turvy. Yes, there is dignity in my hubs showing love through washing our d cs clothes. But there is also the other side of the coin, her taking advantage of that love. This hard, hard working man, washing her clothes while she was stealing from us, our hearts, time. She is drugging, that is why she does not have a home, a place to bathe, to wash clothes. That is the ugly, naked truth of it. It is the truth Cedar, they mean what they say. They are our children, and they mean what they say. I have cleaned many a floor with misery, frustration and angers' tears. You are funny Cedar, in the throes of deep discussion, the laughter is refreshing, thank you for that. As did my WTF. Is right, Cedar, for all of us, WTF. Ouch. For me too, Cedar, my eldest d c has said similar things, "Dad has money stashed away" Huh. So it comes down to this, waiting for us to go, so that she may have what little we do have. Which is not much at all. She will be disappointed.That kind of makes me smile. Ha ha. The matter is Cedar, that we all mess up. People have come out of all kinds of terrible, terrible situations and lived healthy, meaningful lives. I refuse to believe that my mistakes led to my d cs self destruction. Then, I am buying into their...propaganda. The "Emperor who Wore no Clothes" and there it is, for all it is worth. And, so we live and breathe. If Gods children even his angels fell from His grace, who are we to question when ours stumble and fall of their own choosing? The answer to this is free will, sisters. Our children became adults and exercised free will. They chose. This does not mean they will stay where they are at, but they chose. leafy [/QUOTE]
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