Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Substance Abuse
Believing in them
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Signorina" data-source="post: 576922"><p>I have been reading and waiting to answer until I could sit down, pay attention and write something meaningful.</p><p> </p><p>There is so much I want to say - but I have been working like a crazy woman with the end of the year.And I broke my 'puter and I am really lousy on the ipad/phone keyboard. So I apologize for the delay.</p><p></p><p>This post - and LMS's recent thread, Nancy's thread, Exhausted's reply here - all struck a similar chord in me. And while I think you've been given really good advice by your friend and I agree with it and the words of our board friends in reply...</p><p></p><p>It also makes me bristle a tiny bit. Maybe even more than a tiny bit. I am at such a crossroads in my own life right now, so that probably isn't helping. And I realize that I am reading between the lines with your friend's advice, and that it's probably unwise of me. The little voice in my head is telling me I am projecting too much...so take this with a grain of salt.</p><p></p><p>I hate even the tiniest glimmer of implication that WE need to be sure we aren't doing or saying something wrong. Like it's US who have (or have lost) the magic key to unlock the door to their wellness.</p><p></p><p>You're instinct is to protect yourself, protect your heart, and frankly, I think it's really to protect your love for your difficult child by not expecting too much of him. Not because you have no hope, but because you have too much hope. And you're not some "mommie dearest" type who automatically thinks the worst of her child "just because." You've been down this road, you know it puts you in a vulnerable place and it hurts when hope comes crashing down. You HAVE that tee shirt. Not only that, but your particular difficult child has taken advantage of your vulnerability more than once. I think you need to remember that the VERY FACT that he is getting the help (which have gone to great LOVING lengths to facilitate) is surely a positive thing.Your actions speak so much louder than any words ever could. So please - not even for a moment - do not judge yourself for protecting your heart.</p><p></p><p>We want so desperately to fix our kids. We can see the path they should be taking. We know how to fix them. So, if we really had the power to do it, it would be easy. And since we don't have that ability, we turn our desire "to fix" unto ourselves. And there's a lot of helpful side effects to that. But - I think - we also need to make sure that WE don't think of these helpful side effects as a vital part of their treatment's success or failure. We all have done so much work to get to the point of not blaming THEM for their addictions. At the same time, we need to be careful that we don't turn that blame on ourselves. I think we've all done a really good job with changing our expectations of/for them and trying not to set the bar too high if at all. We need to apply that to the bar we are setting for ourselves as well. So many people advise: you can't change them; you have to change yourself. And that's true. But it doesn't take away the fact that THEY are the ones in desperate need of change. </p><p></p><p>In the end, their sobriety & wellness won't be because of what WE did or didn't do, it will be primarily because of their choice to get well. And yes, we want to say all the right words and offer all the right support, but we cannot start thinking that our words or even our feelings will make or break it. If only we had that power!</p><p></p><p>So, I don't know if I am making any sense. I just worry that all of us have the tendency to look to ourselves as a means of fixing them. Detach more, enable less, give to get, etc - those are all WONDERFUL coping actions that have helpful side effects. In the end, we need to remember to cut ourselves some slack and we most need to remember - "We didn't cause it, we can't cure it, we can't control it."</p><p></p><p>XO</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Signorina, post: 576922"] I have been reading and waiting to answer until I could sit down, pay attention and write something meaningful. There is so much I want to say - but I have been working like a crazy woman with the end of the year.And I broke my 'puter and I am really lousy on the ipad/phone keyboard. So I apologize for the delay. This post - and LMS's recent thread, Nancy's thread, Exhausted's reply here - all struck a similar chord in me. And while I think you've been given really good advice by your friend and I agree with it and the words of our board friends in reply... It also makes me bristle a tiny bit. Maybe even more than a tiny bit. I am at such a crossroads in my own life right now, so that probably isn't helping. And I realize that I am reading between the lines with your friend's advice, and that it's probably unwise of me. The little voice in my head is telling me I am projecting too much...so take this with a grain of salt. I hate even the tiniest glimmer of implication that WE need to be sure we aren't doing or saying something wrong. Like it's US who have (or have lost) the magic key to unlock the door to their wellness. You're instinct is to protect yourself, protect your heart, and frankly, I think it's really to protect your love for your difficult child by not expecting too much of him. Not because you have no hope, but because you have too much hope. And you're not some "mommie dearest" type who automatically thinks the worst of her child "just because." You've been down this road, you know it puts you in a vulnerable place and it hurts when hope comes crashing down. You HAVE that tee shirt. Not only that, but your particular difficult child has taken advantage of your vulnerability more than once. I think you need to remember that the VERY FACT that he is getting the help (which have gone to great LOVING lengths to facilitate) is surely a positive thing.Your actions speak so much louder than any words ever could. So please - not even for a moment - do not judge yourself for protecting your heart. We want so desperately to fix our kids. We can see the path they should be taking. We know how to fix them. So, if we really had the power to do it, it would be easy. And since we don't have that ability, we turn our desire "to fix" unto ourselves. And there's a lot of helpful side effects to that. But - I think - we also need to make sure that WE don't think of these helpful side effects as a vital part of their treatment's success or failure. We all have done so much work to get to the point of not blaming THEM for their addictions. At the same time, we need to be careful that we don't turn that blame on ourselves. I think we've all done a really good job with changing our expectations of/for them and trying not to set the bar too high if at all. We need to apply that to the bar we are setting for ourselves as well. So many people advise: you can't change them; you have to change yourself. And that's true. But it doesn't take away the fact that THEY are the ones in desperate need of change. In the end, their sobriety & wellness won't be because of what WE did or didn't do, it will be primarily because of their choice to get well. And yes, we want to say all the right words and offer all the right support, but we cannot start thinking that our words or even our feelings will make or break it. If only we had that power! So, I don't know if I am making any sense. I just worry that all of us have the tendency to look to ourselves as a means of fixing them. Detach more, enable less, give to get, etc - those are all WONDERFUL coping actions that have helpful side effects. In the end, we need to remember to cut ourselves some slack and we most need to remember - "We didn't cause it, we can't cure it, we can't control it." XO [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Substance Abuse
Believing in them
Top