Believing your kid (when you know they are lying)

[Bean]

My daughter is a master deceiver. I've gotten to the point with her that, unless there is visible proof, caught-in-the-act, video, photo, voice recording (OK, I'm joking a bit ) -- if I can't prove it for certain, she will deny it. And a part of me believes it. Sort of.

Like, from all of the items she's stolen, I would assume she's on some sort of drug. She insists that she's not, and she rarely smokes weed (her doctor). She will insist this vehemently. To the point where you believe her--question yourself--even though you really don't. She's always throwing multiple kinds of smoke.

I'm guessing this is just another of those lovely attributes of an addict, and that many of us have experienced it.

I hate it, though. It has conditioned me to live in a slightly skewed reality, cynical and confused.

 

[Hound dog]

Unconfuse yourself. It's not you, it's her. If she is stealing that much, lying that much, then she is smoking more than she claims and may have even added in a new one....................... as I learned from bff that addicts tend to like to claim pot as their doctor as most people think it relatively harmless. Bff claimed to be "only smoking the occasional joint" for like 5 yrs before telling me she'd done every drug in the book but that heroine was her actual doctor........well, she fibbed about that too.........Heroine and cocaine were her actual drugs of choice, both expensive both cause lots of theft. Pot in comparison is relatively cheap........she if she's stealing a LOT.......either she is smoking a TON of pot or has added something.

Addicts get really good at the razzle dazzle to keep you off balance and make you 2nd guess yourself.

(((hugs)))

 

[slsh]

Bean - I like Suz's image of a bobble-head doll. That's how I am with- thank you whenever he tells me something. Just nod and go unh-hunh and leave it be. I do *not* ask questions about his day-to-day life. He occasionally volunteers info about how hard he's looking for a job or how he's working with- someone to get his GED (again???). Claims he's drug free (which I think I believe at the moment, but it certainly wouldn't surprise me in the least to find out he's still using). I just don't have the energy to sort out fact from fiction anymore.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Add my difficult child to the masters. She is good. REAL good. Took me a long time to start not believing anything she said anymore. Took many, many occasions of being completely shocked to find she was lying before I started seeing that everything she said was a lie. But my goodness I have certainly questioned myself on many occasions because she was THAT convincing.

 

[toughlovin]

Oh gosh me too. I would get caught up in the problem, if I can't prove he did it then what can I do? What I found is if I knew he did something I had to approach it that way.... not did you do this as a question, but because you did this x will happen. What I found is that if I approached it with clear knowledge he was less likely to deny and sometimes actually admitted whatever it was. Sometimes he just lied. Sometimes I might have been wrong too. All I know is that my son is a very good liar and I cannot believe anything he says...so I try not to ask anymore so that i don't have to have him lying to me. It is hard and if you have a kid who already has a problem with lying and stealing as I did, then it gets harder to tell what is that and what is due to drug use and habit? If it is getting worse and more significant you have to wonder about drug use. And if it hasn't already it will go outside the home and then the consequences are out of your hands. My son also told me pot was his doctor. I think that may be true, but it is also true that he tried and did a bunch of other stuff and I am sure he would not admit that something else was his doctor. When he was going to rehab he told me but I only smoke weed.... which turned out not to be true.

 

[CrazyinVA]

It's very frustrating. Oldest is a masterful twister of the truth/liar. I've learned over the years to just ignore a lot of it, because she never admits to a lie, she just explains it awaym when caught or flat out denies it. She's also the queen of excuses. What's hardest is when I've assumed she's lying, and then find out she told the truth... I feel a bit guilty then. It's honestly hard to tell the difference a lot of the time, though, so I just take everything she says with a grain of salt.

 

[Bean]

What's hardest is when I've assumed she's lying, and then find out she told the truth... I feel a bit guilty then.

Yes, me, too.

I like the bobble-head. And maybe that needs to be my new stance. Yeah, um-hmm, OK. Not committing, not getting wrapped up.

 

[Marcie Mac]

With my oldest, I know she is lying if her lips are moving. I have learned not to ask any questions....at all.....about anything. The bobble head thing was giving me a headache, and rolling my eyes was starting to affect my vision

Marcie

 

[shellyd67]

I lost count at how my times I have told difficult child the story of " The boy who cried wolf " It didn't seem to matter. He used to lie about everything. Even his friends used to say he was a big liar. It has subsided so much over the last year or so. It can be so trying.

 

[katya02]

I've gone down the road of questioning my sanity and/or memory, too. difficult child 1 was (and is) so good at lying that I never felt certain of anything. Finally I just said to myself: he lies like he breathes,
so if his lips are moving, he's lying. Even if he's convinced himself of his lie and believes it, he's still lying. I stopped asking him IF he'd done something and just confronted him when things were
missing.

Strangely, difficult child 1 lies about many nonessential things, and appears to believe his lies. His girlfriend has become a little freaked out by this; she told me that their toilet had been leaking, and difficult child 1 talked to
husband about how to fix it, and then when he next talked to the landlord he told the guy that he'd fixed the toilet! Meanwhile, the toilet continues to leak. There are so many incidents like this, I just
shake my head and think, it's DENIAL - Doesn't Even (K)now It's A Lie. I can't account for it, didn't cause it, can't control it, and sure can't cure it. So I leave it alone and objectively check anything
he says, if I need the information.

But the main point - it is not you, it's your difficult child. Don't doubt yourself.

 

[toughlovin]

You know I have thought at times that my son believes his lies too... I remember once he shaved his eyebrows when he was about 10 maybe. He absolutely said he didn't and told me this crazy story about how it happened which didn't make sense. It really seemed like he had gone into some kind of state, did it and then literally didn't remember doing it! I really wondered at the time. Now I think he was just bald face lying about it.... and that there are things he holds on to as true and over time maybe he believes his own lies. But in the moment I think he knows what happened and for whatever reason can't face telling the truth UNLESS he is going to be in serious trouble if he lies (like some times with the police) then he will tell the truth.

 

[dashcat]

Wow. I have never encountered anyone in the real world who has had to deal with this, and here are a bunch of folks who can relate, understand, and even offer advice. The kind of advice I've received in real life are things like "well, you have to confront her ... impose CONSEQUENCES (yeah, right)" "all kids lie" (not like this) or my favorite "I wouldn't STAND for that" (as if I do?).

Like many of you, I've stopped asking questions where a lie would be likely. Also like many of you, I've felt guilty when I haven't believed her in the few times she was telling the truth and I thought she was lying.

It's hard.

When she was younger, I would confront her - I would point out the number of times she lost a friendship or a privilege due to lying ... but now, it's hers to own. She will have to face the consequences in ther real world.

I've given up on the idea that she'll "outgrow" it, but I do pray that she'll recognize how toxic her lying is and seek help.

I'm sorry you're all going through this, but it is comforting to know that I'm not alone and that I'm not insane.

Dash

 

[Bean]

Wow. I have never encountered anyone in the real world who has had to deal with this, and here are a bunch of folks who can relate, understand, and even offer advice. The kind of advice I've received in real life are things like "well, you have to confront her ... impose CONSEQUENCES (yeah, right)" "all kids lie" (not like this) or my favorite "I wouldn't STAND for that" (as if I do?).

Like many of you, I've stopped asking questions where a lie would be likely. Also like many of you, I've felt guilty when I haven't believed her in the few times she was telling the truth and I thought she was lying.

It's hard.

When she was younger, I would confront her - I would point out the number of times she lost a friendship or a privilege due to lying ... but now, it's hers to own. She will have to face the consequences in ther real world.

I've given up on the idea that she'll "outgrow" it, but I do pray that she'll recognize how toxic her lying is and seek help.

I'm sorry you're all going through this, but it is comforting to know that I'm not alone and that I'm not insane.

Dash

It is comforting to know you aren't alone. I'm very grateful for that.

Yes, I think I need to make "the next step" with my detachment and --for my own sanity-- not feel the need to continually remind her when she's lying. It is really difficult for me because it feels like a charade. I don't function well in that circumstance.

 

[dashcat]

Bean,
I know. I don't function well in the charade mode, either. But it is the lesser of two evils - or, if not the lesser, it is the healthier choice.

 

[toughlovin]

Bean I have a hard time with this too.... I still want to believe my difficult child will listen to me! I think the question you need to ask yourself, is does confronting her about the lies do any good? Does it do any harm? I know in our case it didn't do any good.... and I think in some way it gave him one more lie to tell and it perpetuated the myth or idea that he could lie to me and I would believe him or at least he would get away with it. Because what can you say when they absolutely won't admit something and say they didn't do it? It really gets you no where.

 

[trinityroyal]

What's hardest is when I've assumed she's lying, and then find out she told the truth... I feel a bit guilty then.

My difficult child is a liar extraordinaire as well, to the point that I don't ever believe a word he says unless I have independent corroboration that hasn't been skewed or influenced by him. If it turns out after the fact that he was indeed telling the truth for once and I didn't believe him, I figure that this is the natural consequence of his lying. I don't feel guilt nor do I feel the need to apologize. I just explain to him that this is the result of his breaking my trust so many times. He can be angry about it, but he really should be angry at himself for breaking my trust, rather than angry at me for not trusting.