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Betrayal of self: Who do you trust?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 674633" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>So, I am back from breakfast, now.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>This question of who to trust ties in to the idea of attitude toward work. That attitude we must learn to hold toward our work of sacred respect. When I think about how I view my contribution to my life, or the living of my life that my work is, I see contempt; see my mother's eyes in the ten thousand disparagements. I understand clearly that I am imagining a set of toxic circumstances which may not have been what was wished for me. But the toxicity of self-disparagement was natural to me; may still be natural to me. Self-disparagement is different than humility. Self-disparagement precludes self-respect and so, precludes integrity.</p><p></p><p>Maybe, these are the areas of the heart we are evolving through, now.</p><p></p><p>The Benedictine (or Buddhist) attitude toward understanding that our work is sacred space, is the choice to devote our time of our lives and merits our attention to the task at hand <em>because </em>we are blessing it in the doing of the thing.</p><p></p><p>Sacred work. With joy in it; taking joy in it.</p><p></p><p>I am only at the place where I am realizing: <em>When chopping onions just chop onions </em>is a practice. I do not have the joy piece yet but I think that is where we are going. To that kind of...I don't know. Purity of experience, maybe. Nothing between what we do and our Presence.</p><p></p><p>Now, there are Negative Tapes in that space that should be sacred, that should be silent.</p><p></p><p>You guys. This is true. We have always believed the negative tapes were just there. Like they belonged there. We had listened to them for so long, been so frozen in place by the sound of them, by the ugliness and terror in them.</p><p></p><p>What if they are illegitimate, those tapes?</p><p></p><p>What if the practice of work with full intent is part of the answer to Copa's question: Who do we trust.</p><p></p><p>And the answer is that the only person we can trust is ourselves, and even we let ourselves down, sometimes.</p><p></p><p>But for us to know who we are really, those negative tapes will have to go. That is sacred space, that place where those tapes hiss away just beneath conscious awareness.</p><p></p><p>That is sacred space.</p><p></p><p>I think once we know that, we will have reclaimed enough of ourselves that we will be able to trust ourselves to remain Present. That is what trust is I think Copa. It is not deserting ourselves, not leaving ourselves exposed to the loneliness or the anger or fear. That is hard for me to say but that is what we have been taught to do. That self desertion is a piece of what our abusers taught so they could step in.</p><p></p><p>I am not communicating this concept well.</p><p></p><p>It has to do with self-assured ~ something more than confidence. That something would be trust that whatever happens, we will have tried with our entire hearts and concentration and self, holding nothing back without having to push ourselves, without having to risk to do that.</p><p></p><p>Copa, you have been posting about stepping back and allowing another to take precedence. This thing I am working with this morning has to do with that. </p><p></p><p>So, think of it this way. We have been looking at pictures of powerful or famous women ~ or of women completely self-possessed, as was the whore in my imagery of the beautiful whore washing her feet in the sun, naked as the day she was born. She was portraying Centered, that actress. Portraying intention and pleasure in her work, in her washing her feet.</p><p></p><p>That is Presence.</p><p></p><p>That was the magic in that imagery.</p><p></p><p>That Benedictine or Buddhist concept of our work made sacred because we are doing it.</p><p></p><p>So, another image: Think of actresses (or actors) you admire. Now, think of the term "cattle call". That is how actors or actresses or dancers are chosen for the roles they take on, and through which they represent something we love about ourselves.</p><p></p><p>Cattle call.</p><p></p><p>Where does the person, the vulnerable Marilyn Monroe person who is really Norma Jean...how does she scrape up what is required to make it to the cattle call and go through with it and do it well enough to be chosen or survive not being Chosen and believe in herself enough to try, with her whole heart though she has lost and lost the role she believed was her own, again?</p><p></p><p>That is where we are going.</p><p></p><p>But I don't know a better way to describe it.</p><p></p><p>That feeling is trust.</p><p></p><p>To read the paper and find the cattle call and show up and win or lose. And if we win, then to have faith in our capacities to perform, and to win again. </p><p></p><p>And if we lose, to believe anyway.</p><p></p><p>That is trust.</p><p></p><p>No one can give that to us Copa. And once we are there, no one can take it away. But we can only get there by attending cattle call after cattle call. We see better prepared dancers; we see people more beautiful than we are. But somehow, we do not desert ourselves.</p><p></p><p>How amazingly everything is coming together.</p><p></p><p>The beginning has to do with those concepts of work, which is internal locus of control requiring us to believe something sacred about ourselves and our choices, and with the concept of Germany, which has to do with externalizing internal locus of control without shame or fear that we ~ something here to do with fraudulence.</p><p></p><p>With that certain belief that we are not authentic.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>I saw my very hard work and my joy in making the Christmas or making the dinner or getting the job or the degree as secondary, unimportant things, when in reality, they were the sacred things <em>and not how these gifts that I created and gave freely, from the heart, were received</em>.</p><p></p><p>So, this ties in too with appreciation; with something about what has happened with our children having reflected back to us "fraudulent" or "predetermined failure how could something I valued have concluded in any other way".</p><p></p><p>I am thinking here of Going North's post to us about the mindset of those trapped in addiction.</p><p></p><p>That post was so stellar Going, if you are reading along.</p><p></p><p>All of these observations we each are making tie in to integrity of self and purpose and intent. In that sense, it all ties in to Germany.</p><p></p><p>And that imagery of cattle call.</p><p></p><p>That is how we learn to hold ourselves safe.</p><p></p><p>Cattle call after cattle call. If we could do that, with intent, and without any bitterness. So, that would have to do with humility.</p><p></p><p>We are back to that lesson about mindset and our work.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 674633, member: 17461"] So, I am back from breakfast, now. :O) This question of who to trust ties in to the idea of attitude toward work. That attitude we must learn to hold toward our work of sacred respect. When I think about how I view my contribution to my life, or the living of my life that my work is, I see contempt; see my mother's eyes in the ten thousand disparagements. I understand clearly that I am imagining a set of toxic circumstances which may not have been what was wished for me. But the toxicity of self-disparagement was natural to me; may still be natural to me. Self-disparagement is different than humility. Self-disparagement precludes self-respect and so, precludes integrity. Maybe, these are the areas of the heart we are evolving through, now. The Benedictine (or Buddhist) attitude toward understanding that our work is sacred space, is the choice to devote our time of our lives and merits our attention to the task at hand [I]because [/I]we are blessing it in the doing of the thing. Sacred work. With joy in it; taking joy in it. I am only at the place where I am realizing: [I]When chopping onions just chop onions [/I]is a practice. I do not have the joy piece yet but I think that is where we are going. To that kind of...I don't know. Purity of experience, maybe. Nothing between what we do and our Presence. Now, there are Negative Tapes in that space that should be sacred, that should be silent. You guys. This is true. We have always believed the negative tapes were just there. Like they belonged there. We had listened to them for so long, been so frozen in place by the sound of them, by the ugliness and terror in them. What if they are illegitimate, those tapes? What if the practice of work with full intent is part of the answer to Copa's question: Who do we trust. And the answer is that the only person we can trust is ourselves, and even we let ourselves down, sometimes. But for us to know who we are really, those negative tapes will have to go. That is sacred space, that place where those tapes hiss away just beneath conscious awareness. That is sacred space. I think once we know that, we will have reclaimed enough of ourselves that we will be able to trust ourselves to remain Present. That is what trust is I think Copa. It is not deserting ourselves, not leaving ourselves exposed to the loneliness or the anger or fear. That is hard for me to say but that is what we have been taught to do. That self desertion is a piece of what our abusers taught so they could step in. I am not communicating this concept well. It has to do with self-assured ~ something more than confidence. That something would be trust that whatever happens, we will have tried with our entire hearts and concentration and self, holding nothing back without having to push ourselves, without having to risk to do that. Copa, you have been posting about stepping back and allowing another to take precedence. This thing I am working with this morning has to do with that. So, think of it this way. We have been looking at pictures of powerful or famous women ~ or of women completely self-possessed, as was the whore in my imagery of the beautiful whore washing her feet in the sun, naked as the day she was born. She was portraying Centered, that actress. Portraying intention and pleasure in her work, in her washing her feet. That is Presence. That was the magic in that imagery. That Benedictine or Buddhist concept of our work made sacred because we are doing it. So, another image: Think of actresses (or actors) you admire. Now, think of the term "cattle call". That is how actors or actresses or dancers are chosen for the roles they take on, and through which they represent something we love about ourselves. Cattle call. Where does the person, the vulnerable Marilyn Monroe person who is really Norma Jean...how does she scrape up what is required to make it to the cattle call and go through with it and do it well enough to be chosen or survive not being Chosen and believe in herself enough to try, with her whole heart though she has lost and lost the role she believed was her own, again? That is where we are going. But I don't know a better way to describe it. That feeling is trust. To read the paper and find the cattle call and show up and win or lose. And if we win, then to have faith in our capacities to perform, and to win again. And if we lose, to believe anyway. That is trust. No one can give that to us Copa. And once we are there, no one can take it away. But we can only get there by attending cattle call after cattle call. We see better prepared dancers; we see people more beautiful than we are. But somehow, we do not desert ourselves. How amazingly everything is coming together. The beginning has to do with those concepts of work, which is internal locus of control requiring us to believe something sacred about ourselves and our choices, and with the concept of Germany, which has to do with externalizing internal locus of control without shame or fear that we ~ something here to do with fraudulence. With that certain belief that we are not authentic. *** I saw my very hard work and my joy in making the Christmas or making the dinner or getting the job or the degree as secondary, unimportant things, when in reality, they were the sacred things [I]and not how these gifts that I created and gave freely, from the heart, were received[/I]. So, this ties in too with appreciation; with something about what has happened with our children having reflected back to us "fraudulent" or "predetermined failure how could something I valued have concluded in any other way". I am thinking here of Going North's post to us about the mindset of those trapped in addiction. That post was so stellar Going, if you are reading along. All of these observations we each are making tie in to integrity of self and purpose and intent. In that sense, it all ties in to Germany. And that imagery of cattle call. That is how we learn to hold ourselves safe. Cattle call after cattle call. If we could do that, with intent, and without any bitterness. So, that would have to do with humility. We are back to that lesson about mindset and our work. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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