Beyond frustrated.... Rant

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by ColleenB, Apr 5, 2016.

  1. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    I am so frustrated with my son(s) ..... Sigh

    The last two days they have slept through alarms and missed univ classes.... This is the last week. Yesterday they both slept... Older one blamed younger one for not waking him up, we said they are each responsible. So today it happened again! Younger son said he got up and that he couldn't wake up older son. He didn't want to call my husband for a drive because he says he knows his dad would be angry.... Ugh! We are more angry he missed classes. Older son says he can't remember his brother trying to wake him up.... I don't know who to believe. Younger son doesn't usually lie to us. I told him today that upset me. I think he gets it. He says he wants to do well in school, that he isn't his brother. I am trying not to flip out on the kid.... He doesn't do drugs or really even drink.

    Older son also lied to his dad about his tax return. We have been asking him for his so that we can claim his tuition. Turns out he got it back already.... He had 2000 in cash and has gone through it already. We also gave him 1600 three weeks ago to pay off a dealer.

    He isn't acting like he is using , but maybe I'm totally naive. Who goes through that much money??????

    We have decided not one more penny from us. Not for gas, food, tuition.... Nothing. We are done financially.

    We told younger son same thing because of the wasted full time tuition we paid this term even though he only ended up part time. Ugh!!!!!

    Our boys have literally thrown out hard earned money away.

    We are both so defeated.

    I am doubting that he is clean .... I don't believe him at all anymore.

    Thanks for letting me vent.....
     
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    He is using something if he has gone through that much money.
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
  3. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    I think so too Nancy :(
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Im so sorry. It does take time and relapses.

    I would stop all cash. He probably made up the dealer story for money for drugs too. I don't think dealers accept credit...you pay at the time.

    Be good to yourself. Thats so important.
     
  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Sorry to hear Colleen but you know he's into something. That is an absurd amount of cash. You are smart for stopping the cash flow.

    It's all so hard but we are here for you.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  6. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Colleen, there is no doubt about it. He is still using and paying off dealers. I am furious but not surprised that he spent that money when he owed it to you. Unfortunately, that is what addicts do. They are totally self-centered and don't care about who they hurt . . . even the people that love them the most.

    You and your husband need to start protecting yourselves. Have you started going to meetings? Or, found a counselor to help you detach?

    ~Kathy
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  7. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    I'm so sorry Colleen , it sounds like he is possibly using, that's a lot of money in a short amount of time. I know this is so hard , we want to believe our children. I think you're on the right track with cutting off all funds. Sending you hugs!
     
  8. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    He has stayed out all night twice in a row now. I think the writing is on the wall....

    He has his exams this next week. We are figuring out how to let him know the gig is up, we are done giving any financial support, including taking the car back we bought him last year when he was actually working and acting responsibly .....

    We both work so hard.... And he does nothing to help us. I'm getting angry instead of sad.
     
  9. UpandDown

    UpandDown Active Member

    Perhaps being angry will help you to stay strong and follow through on not supporting him. Together you and your husband can do this. I know it goes against everything we feel in our hearts but he is taking advantage of you and pulling you into this mess. He needs you to step back, be angry but calm and set the financial boundary. Sending you hugs.
     
  10. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    They do to a point. The thing is, when its time for them to collect then they collect one way or the other. Many of us on here know about them calling or showing up at our homes, threatening US with the debt. Luckily we've never had this happen to us but it did to a friend of ours.

    But over $1600 a dealer would be VERY aggressive about either getting their money or showing others why its unwise to not pay your debts to them.
     
  11. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    We have had people show up at our home 2x looking for their money and it was scary. My husband is not the type of guy to back down. The first guy that came my husband told him if he ever came back again he would "kill" him. Ahem...ya OMG. He never came back.

    The second was a girl that was gorgeous but as high as a kite. It was 1am on a Sunday night. It was at a time when my son had been sober for 2 months or so (still not doing anything productive). She had a guy with her. She kept asking husband if ____ ____ lived there (my son's name). We did not confirm or deny that he lived there.

    They finally left after knocking our garbage cans over. My son said that it was from a long time ago (in reality a few months) and he had sold her some pills that were not what he said they were and she was looking for her money (maybe $20). We never saw her again but I was always uptight they'd come back and do damage to our house.

    She died of a heroin overdose a month later. Son sent me the announcement on Facebook. I found out that she had a job and was going to school and had even done some modeling. Unbelievable.
     
  12. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    Your son is putting your whole family in danger. We feel scared ourselves and our son doesn't even live with us, he's now in rehab but he did live in a different town. We have an alarm system which we now set everynight and everytime we leave, we had cameras installed by all doors to our home, and we now keep a gun by our bed. I know all that is expensive and not always an option. We have never been threatened or anyone show up at our home but after we have seen some of the people my son is dealing with we got scared. It wouldn't be hard to figure out who we are and where we live. You need to be careful and do whatever it takes to keep your family safe.
     
  13. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Worried Sick: My son is living in sober living in Florida so we feel safe now but yes you are correct. This happened last year. They don't realize and think they are "just kids".
     
  14. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    RN I can't even count the number of people who have died from heroin that my daughter met either in rehab or the recovery programs.
     
  15. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    It sounds to me like he knows that you are both beyond his trickery and is going to do what he pleases. This reminds me of my two, they would come home and put on a semblance of change for a bit, then their lifestyle and using would overrun everything. Then we got the entitlement jargon. "I am an adult, I will do what I want." My daughter actually uttered these words. It was not blatant at first, but gradually moved from sublimely ridiculous to outright crazy drama. We got so caught up in the turmoil and lies. What kept us in the game with Tornado, was the grands, she used our love for them to her advantage. We were way in over our heads.

    Love for our d cs. It is a sad fact that they use this......and us.....to keep using. It is preposterous. We become the unknowing targets in the game and are conned by their stories, as well as our own hearts that blind us to what is really happening.
    Be careful Colleen, because at this stage when our d cs realize they can't pull the wool over our eyes anymore, the behavior can ramp up. Your son has already stolen from you. He has stolen your good will and used your vulnerability and love for him. It is not such a big step for him to try and outright steal from you, many of us have experienced this. Please protect yourself, watch your credit cards and mail. Hide your jewelry, wallets, etc. It may seem like an unnesscessary thing, but unfortunately it happens. Our adult kids using, are entirely different people than we would ever imagine.
    In my case, I feel my two have made us non-people. They do not view us as people, just things they can take advantage of. A using addict has no natural affection for their parents. We become targets, our own love for them overriding our good sense and judgement. While we struggle with the devastation of what is going on with the kids, become sad, worried, fretful, confused, all they are thinking about is their next high. The using "friends" they associate with become their family. We are reduced to people they are able to fool and manipulate. We become desperate in our efforts to save them. This is where they want us to be. Savior mode. In this mode, we disregard the clues, overrule our intuition that things have gone below and beyond normal.
    Normal.
    I remember trying to talk with Rain and share with her how hard this is on us. She looked at me with narrowed cold eyes and said with disgust, "I suppose you want a normal life." Like that is a horrible thing. In other words, working, being a productive citizen, paying bills, is something she despises. That is what we have been reduced to.
    While you work through this, please be very careful. One cannot imagine our beloved children running over us with a steam roller, that's when we are most vulnerable to the machinations of their using.
    I am so sorry it has come to this point for you. You are looking at this eyes wide open. It is frustrating and heart wrenching, but on the other hand you have an opportunity to help your sons by not helping them. It seems counter intuitive, but there is no saving someone who doesn't feel like they need saving. You and your sons are in a much better position than we were. You have this site and the good advice from folks who have been there, done that. It is the hardest education, but, your sons are young, and the advantage is in your court, to lovingly detach early on. I wish I had. We tried for too many years.
    My two are in deep.
    Mostly from their choices, but also because we stayed in savior mode way too long. In savior mode, they did not suffer the consequences of their choices, we did. They didn't care. They still do not care.
    That's because we showed them by our actions that we put their lives above and beyond ours. In our bending over backwards to try help them, we lost our good judgement, sensibility and really, self respect. They lost all respect for us, and thought nothing of lying, stealing, becoming verbally abusive, and unapologetic for their actions, going as far as blaming their choices on us.
    It is a vicious game, the longer loving parents stay in the game, the worse it gets.
    As you work through your feelings and think on what your next step is, if you reflect on one thing, I hope it is this. Take it from one mom to another. I wish I had lovingly detached earlier. Our staying in the game just prolonged the agony, for us and them. The more we helped, the more entitled they felt, the deeper they dove into using, dragging us along with them.
    I hope my words have not offended you.
    This is what we have gone through.
    My two are 28 and 37.
    I wish that I could turn back the hands of time and redo. I can't.
    I can share my experience here, in hopes that it will help somone like you, staring at the face of this.
    It is hard, but it is truly the most loving thing you can do to say
    "No more."
    My heart goes out to yours dear. It is a journey, but you have every advantage in turning this around for you. Hopefully your sons will wake up and understand the futility in their choices.
    The only way we learn as humans, is to feel the consequences of our actions. In our homes, they do not feel their consequences....we do.
    The only control we have is over ourselves. We cannot control our adult kids.
    If only we could......
    Hugs to you,
    Leafy
     
Loading...