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<blockquote data-quote="Lil" data-source="post: 726617" data-attributes="member: 17309"><p>I'm going to address the first thing I quoted above...educated, smart, even capable, sober and well-balanced women make very stupid choices of men at times. I'm their poster child.</p><p></p><p>Mind you I am NOT talking about Jabberwocky...my wonderful soul-mate of a husband who has put up with me for nearly 18 years now. <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/felttip/love.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":love:" title="love :love:" data-shortname=":love:" /> But my first husband, the biological father of my son, well...he was no catch.</p><p></p><p>How did I - a lawyer - who was mature, intelligent, and steady by most people's reckoning - marry a lazy bum who didn't work, dropped out of high school, had two children by two other women who he did not see and didn't support, had a criminal record, and was controlling to the point of being stalkerish? Well, I guess the fact is, he did and said all the right things to me. He confessed all his past transgressions, told me he wanted a wife, a family, the Leave It To Beaver life that I wanted too. He wanted someone to grow old with, to share things with. I was rapidly approaching 30, on the rebound from a rather intense relationship, my biological clock was ticking so loud you could hear it in the next room, and I thought no one would ever want to marry me and have babies with me if I didn't settle for him. I decided he had "potential". We married 5 months after we met. I actually considered calling it off - but the invitations had been mailed and I was too proud to admit I'd made a mistake. I told myself it would be okay. I told myself that he would change.</p><p></p><p>He was a jealous - which I found flattering at first - but which eventually was simply a sign of his emotional abuse. He drank - at the time I did too but I soon realized he couldn't stop. He would keep the car and stay out all night and lie about where he'd been. He denied cheating up to and including the day he moved in with another woman. It wasn't long before I realized all the past sins he'd confessed were true...but there was no ambition to ever change. He simply refused to work and very nearly bankrupted me. We married 1/1/94. Had a baby 4/5/95. Separated six months later. Were divorced 10 months after that.</p><p></p><p>Now if my parents had been alive and in my life, I would never have married him...but that's because I AM in fact a pretty stable, intelligent person and my parent's would not have approved...I'd have never done anything they would not have approved of while they were alive. If not...if I were bipolar and iffy with my family at times - a Difficult Child...well I might still have ended up married to him and maybe, without a great job and good friends, I wouldn't have gotten out as quickly as I did.</p><p></p><p>I guess what I'm saying is smart woman make stupid choices in men every day and sometimes their faults are things that can not be lived with and sometimes they are. Maybe she sees something there you don't. Maybe what she's seeing is something that he, socially awkward as he is, doesn't show to others, but only to her. Maybe she's afraid of being alone. Maybe he makes he feel loved and important. Maybe she feels like he's as good as she'll do. Maybe they compliment each other in ways you can't know. Maybe she simply refuses to admit she's made a mistake. Maybe whatever his faults, she just sees the good in him. Even my ex had some good in him.</p><p></p><p>I'm not going to tell you it's none of your business. She's your daughter and you want the best for her and you don't think that he's the best. But I guess what I'm saying is - SHE'S the one who has to think he's the best...not you. So do your best to ignore him. Do your best to just think about her and if she decides that he's not what she wants - be there for her then. For now, you don't have to like him...you only have to tolerate him.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Lil, post: 726617, member: 17309"] I'm going to address the first thing I quoted above...educated, smart, even capable, sober and well-balanced women make very stupid choices of men at times. I'm their poster child. Mind you I am NOT talking about Jabberwocky...my wonderful soul-mate of a husband who has put up with me for nearly 18 years now. :love: But my first husband, the biological father of my son, well...he was no catch. How did I - a lawyer - who was mature, intelligent, and steady by most people's reckoning - marry a lazy bum who didn't work, dropped out of high school, had two children by two other women who he did not see and didn't support, had a criminal record, and was controlling to the point of being stalkerish? Well, I guess the fact is, he did and said all the right things to me. He confessed all his past transgressions, told me he wanted a wife, a family, the Leave It To Beaver life that I wanted too. He wanted someone to grow old with, to share things with. I was rapidly approaching 30, on the rebound from a rather intense relationship, my biological clock was ticking so loud you could hear it in the next room, and I thought no one would ever want to marry me and have babies with me if I didn't settle for him. I decided he had "potential". We married 5 months after we met. I actually considered calling it off - but the invitations had been mailed and I was too proud to admit I'd made a mistake. I told myself it would be okay. I told myself that he would change. He was a jealous - which I found flattering at first - but which eventually was simply a sign of his emotional abuse. He drank - at the time I did too but I soon realized he couldn't stop. He would keep the car and stay out all night and lie about where he'd been. He denied cheating up to and including the day he moved in with another woman. It wasn't long before I realized all the past sins he'd confessed were true...but there was no ambition to ever change. He simply refused to work and very nearly bankrupted me. We married 1/1/94. Had a baby 4/5/95. Separated six months later. Were divorced 10 months after that. Now if my parents had been alive and in my life, I would never have married him...but that's because I AM in fact a pretty stable, intelligent person and my parent's would not have approved...I'd have never done anything they would not have approved of while they were alive. If not...if I were bipolar and iffy with my family at times - a Difficult Child...well I might still have ended up married to him and maybe, without a great job and good friends, I wouldn't have gotten out as quickly as I did. I guess what I'm saying is smart woman make stupid choices in men every day and sometimes their faults are things that can not be lived with and sometimes they are. Maybe she sees something there you don't. Maybe what she's seeing is something that he, socially awkward as he is, doesn't show to others, but only to her. Maybe she's afraid of being alone. Maybe he makes he feel loved and important. Maybe she feels like he's as good as she'll do. Maybe they compliment each other in ways you can't know. Maybe she simply refuses to admit she's made a mistake. Maybe whatever his faults, she just sees the good in him. Even my ex had some good in him. I'm not going to tell you it's none of your business. She's your daughter and you want the best for her and you don't think that he's the best. But I guess what I'm saying is - SHE'S the one who has to think he's the best...not you. So do your best to ignore him. Do your best to just think about her and if she decides that he's not what she wants - be there for her then. For now, you don't have to like him...you only have to tolerate him. [/QUOTE]
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