Bizarro Question for Others

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by BKS, Dec 27, 2012.

  1. BKS

    BKS New Member

    Hi,

    My 19 year old, (Jacob) who we asked to leave in October, is living with friends in a house about 1/2 hour away. We know he is drinking and doing drugs and we told him this was the prime reason he could no longer live under our roof.

    Our relationship with Jacob over the past year has been pretty rocky, especially between my son and husband. However, they now text back and forth and we are glad that we have some form of communication with him. In reaching out to Jacob in family therapy, my husband also explained some brief experimentation he had with pot when he was an adolescent that he regretted.

    The issue is that Jacob often texts in the evenings - explaining that he is high to my husband, what he drugs he has taken and what he is drinking. My husband believes Jacob feels there is some sort of implied connection my son is playing to because of what he has shared with Jacob.

    This is such an odd thing to share with a parent and my husband has told Jacob it is painful for him to read. So far the family therapist has told my husband to ignore these messages. I am wondering if anyone else has had this experience with their difficult child? The list of drugs Jacob has mentioned sometimes includes things that we look up on the internet to understand.

    Best,
    BKS
     
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    No my difficult child never ever admits to what drugs she is taking and never admitted to drinking. She will admit to drinking now because she is 21.

    Both difficult child and easy child have asked husband and myself a number of times if we ever did drugs, ever even tried pot. We have always said absolutely not. Even if we had we would never tell our kids. I know your husband thought he was helping at the time, but it may have sent the wrong message. I think the therapist is right to tell you to ignore it.
     
  3. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I haven't, but Mr. Ostrich (aka difficult child's dad) has. Unlike your H, he was unfazed. He thinks it's a "good thing" that she is so willing to share with him! I think it's a good thing that she fears my reaction and does not share with me. I do not think your husband's sharing of his own experience have anything to do with your's son's unfiltered texts. I was quite the pot smoker as a young adult (late 70s, forgive me!), and I have told my difficult child that I did experiment, that many of my friends fell down the pot rabbit hole (this is true) and that I chose to walk away from them and from pot (also true). In the case of my difficult child, her sharing with Ossy has to do with co-dependancy. Is there any of that with your H and your son? It is likely your son is trying to assuage his own guilt by sharing with his dad. Your H is right to tell him it makes him uncomfortable. He might want to up the ante and cut him off, saying "I will not discuss your drug use while you are high.".

    Dash
     
  4. BKS

    BKS New Member

    Dash and Nancy,

    Thank you for your replies. The information has come in the form of text, not conversation - that my son sends out when he is high.

    Our family therapist suggested that my husband share his limited pot experience in hopes that it would put some experience behind our message to Jacob that drug use had many negative consequences including zero emotional growth (since the person is high and isn't dealing with their problems) and could easily lead to other problems. The therapist also wondered if the texts were some sort of journaling Jacob was doing.

    Dashcat, I am AMAZED your husband is unfazed because reading the list of things that Jacob says he is trying is really wrenching. Fortunately, we have begun attending Al-Anon meetings which has brought some peace back into our lives.

    Thanks again all for your input.

    BKS
     
  5. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    BKS,
    Mr. Ostrich is unfazed by things that would bring Joan Crawford's mother to her knees. He is simply lacking in normal parental feelings. Your H should be disturbed, and is right in saying so to your son.
     
  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I am glad you found some alanon meetings... those have been an absolute life saver for me. I dont have an issue with your husband sharing that he experimented with drugs with your son... my son asked me directly once and I did not want to lie to him. I did not go into details but I did tell him the truth... and I have done the same with my easy child daughter.

    It is a balancing act to keep the doors open to our difficult children and yet also taking care of ourselves. Your husband needs to remember that your difficult child may be beign purposefully provacative... and he should ignore the texts and even maybe give them to you (since you are more detached) to read and delete so he doesnt see them.

    TL
     
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My son has smoked pot for several years and he knows that I grew up in the 70's and used drugs, among them lots of pot. I have to admit when he learned that he was quite shocked and tried to throw up the old "how can you get mad at me then if you did it too" mantra but I was ready for that. The main thing was I never got caught! I was better than him...lol. Also, I gave up my toys when I became an adult and that was something he didnt seem willing to do.

    Oddly though, several months ago he came to me and told me he had decided he was going to follow in my footsteps and put away his toys and grow up. He stopped smoking pot all together.

    And yes, over the years he used to occasionally say things about pot but normally when I would use terminology that I used back in the "olden days" that now meant something else all together. Like when I said "smoking dope" he would get really mad and say he didnt smoke dope because that now means smoking crack or meth or heroin. Back in my day it meant pot. And evidently no one rolls a joint anymore, its all blunts. I dont think I would like them.
     
  8. rita

    rita Member

    as a recovered addict I never lied to my kids when directly asked. One is easy child and never used anythiing and difficult child well he tried it all. I guess for us contact has happened on every level from only letters allowed to enabling. I get it and know part of moving into the phase of action and maintenance is going through contemplating. Admitting use to me allowed us an opportunity to at least get it out there and I could know what he was using. We have talked of our years through his active addiction often since; he tells me somedays he was so torn & close to giving up knowing I would at least listen to him kept him going. His addiction mind you was much more serious than pot and could have been fatal. at times was very close. That being said every parent has to do only what they feel is best for their individual child. But I vote some communication and an awareness of what he is using will at least give you knowledge if it is ever needed. JMHO
     
  9. BKS

    BKS New Member

    Thanks Rita. We have told him that we will support him in a clean & sober life-style so knowing what he is doing helps us make decisions from our end. We continue to listen and pray that he moves through this to a healthy place.

    Best,
    BKS
     
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