Black Eye?!!!!

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by susiestar, Jan 28, 2013.

  1. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I do not understand boys.

    thank you came home from school with a black eye forming. Seems he and a friend were arguing about some tv show, no clue what as yet, and A, the other boy, grabbed his hair really hard. thank you grabbed his shirt to get him to let go. A then let go and punched him in the eye.

    thank you has NEVER been punched. He is incredibly upset and hurt. Emotionally hurt even more than physically.

    He does NOT want me to go talk to A's parents. He wants to talk it over tomorrow and see what happens.

    husband will talk to him to see if we can get more of the story, and then we may allow him to try to work it out on his own, as is his preference. It goes against my nature to do that, but guys deal with this differently than girls.

    I am greatly disturbed. thank you does NOT want to press charges, but this kid need to know that if it ever happens again, I WILL call the cops and I WILL insist on pressing charges. If for no other reason than to have therapy mandated.

    It was not on school grounds, but on the way home, so school doesn't have to be involved, thank heavens.
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I do have to say, I'm glad it wasn't on school grounds. This at least allows him to work it out on his own terms, if he still wants to be friends. I seriously doubt that his friend has a clue as to how much thank you's feelings were hurt. Boys, I hate to stereotype, rarely pay attention that way.
    Have him ice it for a while and make him promise you that he will talk to his so-called friend.
    And don't be surprised if the teacher(s) call.
    In fact, you may want to email the teacher you know the best just to give him or her a heads-up.
    Good luck!
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Susie, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but this is really fairly typical boy behavior. Fists are a normal thing, knives and weapons are not. In decades past if all the little boys who got into scuffles with each other were prosecuted there would be no room in the courts for real cases. Im sure thank you and his friend will work it all out between the two of themselves without any intervening parents. It works out best that way.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    As my sils would say, "It's a guy thing."
  5. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Yep, it's a "guy thing". When my son was that age, getting in to your first fight was like a rite of passage and the next day they were all friends again like nothing happened! And at a certain age, a black eye is actually something they're proud of.

    My ex and I had a dear friend who passed away about a year ago, a guy the ex played in a band with. I never knew him when he was a child but I was looking on his Facebook page after he died and found the cutest picture I've ever seen! It was a school picture of him from when he was about 8 or 9. In the picture he has this giant purple bruise that goes all around his left eye ... and this HUGE mischevious smile on his face, what would be described here in the South as a s***-eatin' grin! He was THAT proud of getting that big ol' shiner!
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I do see it as a guy thing for the most part. One more bit of evidence to prove testosterone kills brain cells, in my opinion.

    husband and I talked. This is thank you's second altercation this year. First one was with a bully who wouldn't leave him alone. Teachers, yes plural, refused to give thank you bully report form because he wasn't really being bullied according to these teachers who were not there. When thank you had enough, he opened a can whoop tush on him. Actually choked him. That kid hasn't bugged thank you in a mean way again. Which is why I didn't fight the ISS for 2 days.

    This is a different situation, in my opinion. This is a FRIEND. One he has gone to games with, done things wtih, really enjoys. My purpose for going to his home was to hear both sides of the story and to figure out how to help the boys not do this again. The boy also needs to understand that if it happens again and I am sure that it was a dumb argument and thank you was NOT name calling, etc..., then charges will be pressed.

    It is fine for them to try to work it out, but if that doesn't work, I will figure out a way to stop it. I would do the same if thank you was the aggressor. If school finds out about this, they actually CAN insist on stepping in. Here if the child is not yet home from school, the school tries to claim jurisdiction over any problems. thank you and one or another friend often play a bit before they come home. Even on a public street or park, if the school principal chooses to, he can at least make a serious attempt to step in and impose his version of justice. I do not think it will be an issue here, mostly because for the most part thank you is a great kid and never in trouble, and A isn't a troublemaker either. Plus the new principal in charge of this type of incident is a fairly reasonable human being so far.

    thank you was a bit confused earlier. He thought his bed magically conjured up cinnamon bread. I had a few slices that I got at a special bakery and was hoarding. I saw how he hurt physically and especially hurt much worse emotionally and thought it might be a pick me up. He was doing something, so I just put it on his bed. J and husband were also trying to figure out where it came from, lol, because they didn't know I bought it. It was very very cute.

    If I live to be 200 I will still never understand how guys can get mad, go outside and pound each other, go back inside and the winner buys the drinks. This makes NO sense to my brain. Then again, it does provide much entertainment as I watch guys do these goofy things!

    I can, however, accept this as the reality and move on with-o trying to fix it.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    why on earth would you even get involved? they are boys! Boys scuffle all the time. like you said they are friends. The only time we ever got involved with anything with ours was when it was happened at school and there several involved with beating Billy so badly that they broke Billy's jaw and glasses several times and the school wouldnt do anything and told me that he needed to learn to stand up for himself. If he had even a chance of doing that I would have let him but he couldnt fight to save his life and Jamie wouldnt get to that school for another 3 years.
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Janet, this isn't typical for around here. Not by a long shot. I would get involved so that the boy knows it just isn't okay. If this was a situation where they both understood that what they were gong to do was to beat each other up, I would have a different perspective. But this was totally unexpected, just a grab of thank you's hair and when he tried to push the kid away, a punch and then the other kid ran away.

    I also do NOT want this kid to tell his folks that thank you attacked him. thank you didn't even hit him at all, just grabbed his shirt to push him away. thank you does not have a single mark on his hands from hitting the other kid. In our area, as in MANY others, violence is not acceptable and it doesn't matter what gender you are. This isn't how problems should be handled. It is actually fairly common for parents to press charges and have kids who fight arrested. thank you doesn't need this if the other kid lies about it. I would like to know both sides of the story so that maybe we can help both boys learn ways to handle conflict with-o fighting.

    I am doing what thank you and husband want, and not going to the other parents right away. If the boys cannot talk it out in the morning, I will go talk to the boy's parents. Fighting is not okay and in fact is illegal. In my area the cops will take reports of fights and will press charges if there are bruises or worse.

    I hope thank you tells the kid that if there is a next time, the cops WILL be involved. I won't let husband and thank you have the option of letting thank you try to talk to the kid first. I don't WANT to have to do that, but my children will NOT be beaten.
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I realize times have changed but I dont think its for the better in my opinion. This whole zero tolerance bull is nonsense. Boys are gonna be boys and they are gonna be rough and tumble in most cases. Or lots of cases. Some boys arent that way. I was blessed with two that were rambunctious. We have had more than our fair share of scuffles either at school or in the neighborhood. We have had to stop one parent from stepping in and trying to stop their kids when they were fighting with ours because a couple of times they had two against one in the case of Jamie. We kept an eye on it and Jamie handled it himself. The fight was a long time coming and Jamie tried to ignore the two brothers but eventually he snapped and took them out.
  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    This is normal male development Susie. I know that it isn't "politically correct" these days to admit it, but it doesn't change the fact.

    I grew up with brothers (notice the plural) who were very close.........and they beat on each other regularly, both in "play" and because they would get ticked off. Their friends, many of whom were good kids regardless of the fact that both my bros were difficult children, did exactly the same thing. Heck, probably 90 percent of the guys I went to school with did the same things. It's normal.

    Of course you don't "get it" we're female and we don't generally behave that way. Males and females are not psychologically made up the same way no matter how badly society seems to want to make it so.

    thank you and his friend will work it out, one way or the other. They need to work it out. Friends have altercations, it happens. It's no big deal. It's not like the kid just walked up and slugged thank you.

    If I were the parent of the other kid and you came to me with this I'd laugh in your face. I'm sorry, but I'm just being honest. And, by the way, you go to that kids parents......and you're going to make this a big mess that it isn't right now. It's going to blow the incident up to a higher level than it was originally. There is good reason both thank you and your husband are telling you to leave this alone.

    A mother's instinct is to protect your child, but that child doesn't always need that protection. Know what I mean??
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Really? Wow.
    Here if the child is not yet home from school, the school tries to claim jurisdiction over any problems.

    Best of luck, Susie. Let us know how it works out. Has thank you talked to his friend yet?
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    He just got home. No one at school noticed the eye, well, no adult did. Our district really will call the cops and insist it should get ISS or OSS or count toward expulsion if the kids are on their way home. I know LOTS of cases where they did. They also insist on pressing charges.

    My biggest problem is that it was not a mutual fight. It went to physical and the kid ran as soon as he had hurt thank you. thank you literally had no warning that anything physical was going to happen, and it was not even an argument as much as each of them having different opinions. There was no real build up or anything to it.

    The other boy was very sorry, said he was angry at someone else, that thank you did not have any warning and that he really hoped they could get past it. He took anger with some one else out by hitting thank you with essentially a sucker attack when thank you wasn't looking. The boy DOES understand that if it happens again, I will be involved and so will his folks and if they take no action then charges will be pressed and/or school will be involved. I don't want to do that, nothing sounds like less fun except dental work to me. But sucker attacks are not okay and if you have an anger problem then you need some help. If you inflict this on MY kid and your folks don't get you that help? Then it is my job as part of the community to see that you do get it, even if the school and cops have to help me.

    If thank you was calling him names or they were arguing and saying mean things to each other, then I would be more likely to punish my kid and tell him he deserves what he got. The one time Wiz Occupational Therapist (OT) punched I wanted to buy the other kid ice cream and cookies. But that was in a psychiatric hospital group and the kid took serous offense to the way Wiz was saying it was perfectly fine to abuse his sister. it was hte first thing that got through to Wiz.

    But even the other kid freely admits that thank you did NOTHING to provoke him or argue except say pretty much, "I can see what you are saying but I think this" about at tv show. The attack came from BEHIND and was totally out of the blue. THAT is my biggest problem, and THAT is why I would go to his parents and if they laughed at me I would press charges. That is a sign of a real problem and if this isn't a learning experience, it should be. Even husband, who is about the most 'well, boys do that' parent on the planet, thought this was a sign of a real problem. We let thank you handle it this time as long as the other parents didn't get the school or cops involved. I do have photos of his injuries and of his uninjured hands because if he did hit the other kid, his hands would be banged up. And they are not at all. thank you has thin skin and gets banged up easily, so it would show especially on his hands if he hit the kid.
  13. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Honestly, this bothers me. It's not ok for someone to take out their frustrations on someone who isn't even involved in the frustration. It's abusive and makes the one on the receiving end unprepared or hyperprepared for any situation. Is this a "friend" of thank you? If thank you wants to deal with it, then fine, but thank you needs to let this kid know somehow that it won't be tolerated.