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Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Barbara, Dec 31, 2009.

  1. Barbara

    Barbara New Member

    Happy holidays!! yeah. My hubby walked out the other night. He can't handle my difficult child anymore. Said he was gonna sell the house. So that me and the 3 kids wouldn't be living in the car. I am sending my 14yo difficult child to live with his dad. as this may take some time to arrange, he is now at my parents in the interim. I'm just so angry at the world right now.. I know my difficult child is difficult to deal with, but I've done it for so long.. I don't know how not to. I feel empty, like i failed. Why is it I'm the only one who "has" to be understanding he isn't a normal kid. Why is it the world looks at him with rage cause he does not behave like a normal kid. Why is it sooo hard. and now what... I don't know if i can get past the fact that it came down to sending him away. I have no where to go.. or i would have kept my son and walked out he door with all the kids. And now that he isn't here, I guess i can go back to work.. not tht i feel like it, or want to do anything. but if and when i do... I don't hink I'll stay here... cause i don't feel like this man i'm married to is my partner anymore... he has now become the reason i lost my son.
     
  2. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Barbara,

    I'm sorry but I don't remember your story. Please take the time to do a profile signature (click on User CP on the upper left of the page and go from there).

    I'm a little confused. I'm assuming that hubby was not the bio since you state you sent difficult child to his dads; or you are going to - in the interim he's with his grandparents....did you do this so that there would be a chance that hubby would return if difficult child was out of the house? Is hubby the bio of any of the children? Why would you have to leave? If he is selling the house, can't you stay until it's sold (which might be awhile in this market)?

    Not really sure why you say that hubby is the reason that you have lost your son. If hubby has made the choice to leave, why does difficult child have to do so also?

    I believe it is really going to be important for you to have someone to talk to. You sound very sad and very low. You need to stay strong for your children, but mostly for yourself. You owe it to yourself to fight for what you need and for what your chidlren need. If that is hubby providing a home for the you and kids, fight for it. If it is an ex paying child support, so be it. You need to be the healthy one and the one who has the best interest of the family at heart.

    difficult children are extremely tough on a marriage where both husband and wife are the bios. Often they are even tougher on a marriage where one parent is the bio and the other is the step. Our kids can often be hard to love and accept.....There are many here who can relate to your situation.

    Do you have a therapist, a pastor, a good/sensible friend that you can talk to about where you go from here? I would sugget you talk over your next move(s) with someone. Sometimes talking it out can help you make the tough decisions.

    Glad you came back and reposted during this difficult time.

    Sharon
     
  3. Barbara

    Barbara New Member

    difficult child has Aserger's, Adhd, and epilespsy, He is ODD and very little executive function skills... Hubby is bipolar, and until recently it hasn't been much of an issue, but the 2 of them are at each other constantly. Hubby is stepfather to my difficult child and my daughter.. younger son is his bio child. Recently I've had to get between them because neither of them can let go of their anger. My ex, difficult child's bio dad, well seems to have issues too though not diagnosed... was an abusive husband, but seems to be a good father, though he has not had to deal with the day to day of difficult child for quite some time. Fighting for the house, isn't really an option as i can't afford it on my own, we can barely afford it together. Talking to friends, well... not many of those left... family ties are strained, as no one can really tolerate my son's behaviors. I've tried going to couselors... who tell me.. do something for myself... yeah right.. and just leave the kids to fend for themselves while I'm out doing that. I know i sound down, cause i am... not that i'd hurt myself.. i wouldn't.. but I've about had enough of life... cause it has sucked for quite some time... son sees a neurologist for his medications... was seeing a psychologist but insurance for that ended. had someone come to the house from the state to do intake to provide couseling.. but in all reality.. it doesn't help. He understands what they talk about... but none of it gets applied. Hubby feels i don't support him, with difficult child.. cause i don't agree with his punishments.. and i feel like he doesn't even try to be understanding..it just goes round and round... and no one has the answers.
     
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Barbara,

    I remember your story a little. I have one thought - and one thought only and my DF (dear fiance) said to tell you "He (your husband) didn't leave because of your son -he left because he wanted to or because he needed an excuse." I agree. His leaving had nothing to do with you being a failure, or your son being difficult. Other families suffer through and survive a LOT more difficult situations -

    If you want to live with your son? Go get him, make it work. If your husband wants to be an ex husband? So BE it. His CHOICE. We all have choices to make. If he's telling you - CHOOSE between me or the kid? I wouldn't. Any man that tells you that isn't a family man. Plain and simple. These kids, our lives are difficult - and breaks are needed, but not ultimatums. Not to the extent he's having you make.

    I'm sorry for what you are living through - but I'd have to say as a woman, sister and been there done that friend? Sounds like you're going to be better off with counseling to find your self-esteem, and staying away from men in general until you get your self-respect together and can draw a line in the sand for Barbara. Find out what YOU want out of life - not what pleases a man. FInd out what makes YOU happy, not what you can do to make a man happy. If you figure those things out? You'll be a very attractive person and will attract the right person for you. Promise. AND you'll BE happier in the long run because eventually your kids grow up, and have lives of their own and you are left with yourself and ? - ? has to be someone you want to be around for the rest of your life and his.

    Use THIS opportunity to find YOUR happiness. YOU ARE WORTH EVERY SINGLE MINUTE you invest in YOURSELF.

    Hugs
    Star
     
  5. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Barbara, I'm sorry you're feeling abandoned and out of options. What Star advised is absolutely on the money.

    ((((Hugs))))
     
  6. Christy

    Christy New Member

    I'm so sorry you are in this situation. It's very unfair. difficult children cause a tremendous amount of stress for the entire household but your husband seems to be punishing you and his own mental issues don't help matters.

    While my husband and I are now on the same page with difficult child, there was a time when his behaviors caused a big strain on our relationship. At that point, I told him that I loved both he and difficult child but difficult child needed me and so if it came down to choosing one over the other, as a mom I would have to be there for difficult child. Luckily it never came to this.

    I hope your husband will rethink his decision. He needs to accept you and your children as a package deal afterall he knew you had kids and married you for better or worse.

    Will your difficult child be well cared for by your ex?

    (((hugs)))
    Christy
     
  7. Jeppy

    Jeppy New Member

    Your husband isn't thinking clearly. I wonder how he would feel if down the road he remarries and his new wife divorces him because the biokid he has from this marriage acts up.

    I'm sorry you're going through this.
     
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Your husband isn't thinking clearly.

    I agree.

    Many hugs.
     
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