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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 666165" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Well, Cedar, you know who I blamed. I blamed me. For being born and my mother's not loving me. For her not wanting to hold me because I stiffened in her arms. For her trying to hug me at around age two and me kicking her away. For her putting up with my tantrums and defiance. For my depression, which I bugged her to get help for all the time.</p><p></p><p>For my being different, which deprived her of having fun being a mother. I blamed me. She only got to be a prom mom to me once, when i went to another boy's prom whom I didn't even like, but she loved him. I ended up causing a mild argument at the end of the date because I did not find him attractive and wanted an excuse not to kiss him. That was prom for me in high school. I was 15 and had no interest in going again ever. Homecoming? She never got to be a homecoming mom either. So I blamed me for not letting her have the fun a mom has with a typical high school kid.</p><p></p><p>To my early therapists: "My mother was a GOOD mother. It was MY fault. I was just a bad kid."</p><p></p><p>And this blame of myself continued into adulthood, to at least 40 or so. To until I met my husband and he saw that things were not normal here in the ole Loonybin Family.</p><p></p><p>I blamed myself for my sister hanging up on me and not speaking to me for months or years and then when she came back to give me another chance, I was so grateful I wanted to kiss her feet to show my gratitude. Obviously, SHE was right and I had done something horrible or she never would have done that. I think this eroded slowly. The cops most certainly opened my eyes, but I mostly blamed myself for our rifts and did not see that the cops were her control method...the ultimate way to shut me up. I saw it as my being so horrible that she called the cops.Again, this eroded slowly.</p><p></p><p>By the time my brother's letter came in, which I did not read (I am still so proud of me for this), I was already turning things around. I did blame him for being too cowardly to talking to me and to sending a letter all about what I did that made him angry. I did however have a little shame there that he felt the need to write me such a letter. But things were changing.</p><p></p><p>Most of my life, I blamed me.</p><p></p><p>By the time my mother got sick the second time, I was well into accepting that not everything was my fault, which was one reason I felt guilt-free not putting my family on hold to rush down and care f or her w hen she had brain cancer. My sister could do it. If she couldn't, the nursing home would do it. By then I did sort of realize it was not all my fault and the anger about being scapegoated was starting to surface.</p><p></p><p>Yet I still had enough good will toward my sister to go to the funeral to comfort her. It wasn't for me. I did not know my mother nor mourn her. I had mourned her long before she'd died.</p><p></p><p>Now, in 2015, I have a whole different way at looking at blame. Three words: I DON'T CARE.</p><p></p><p>I certainly do blame them for some things and I know I wasn't an angel and the bottom line is that we can not be together. And I think that's the important part, not the blame. I am aware that my FOO is toxic to me so I will not deal with them anymore.</p><p></p><p>The only thing I do think about at times is the inevitable funeral, which makes me feel both guilty and sad. I truly don't want to go because of them, but I also feel I can not let them keep me away from paying respects, in the way I want, to my father, whom I love very much. Today, I was looking in a new Goodwill store that just opened and found myself gravitating to the dresses. I don't own a dress and I knnow I"ll need a dark dress when that sad day comes. </p><p></p><p>Lately, I've been thinking about, "What will I wear?" I am not fashion conscious and not even sure of what to wear at a funeral because I have been to so few. I know my kids will probably just go in jeans, those who show up. My father is not close to my kids. I don't know who will go. Do I make Sonic go, even though he hasn't seen him in years? He doesn't like to travel. Jumper will go. I doubt sh e will want to dress in black, but she may. I have no idea about the Buddha Baby family. I know they don't feel safe leaving Buddha Baby with ex and his mother has been a big problem for them and may not babysit and they don't trust strangers with my grandchild... and they won't bring her with...it will be up to them, really. My ex will go. He and my dad get along great.</p><p></p><p>So here I am planning a funeral for a man who is alive...and what I will do. I know it will be the very last day I ever see my FOO. I will not sit shiva, especially if it is at a sibling's house and I don't know w here else it could be. But I will be there to honor and to mourn my father, not to give aid and comfort to relatives who may have heard bad things about me. Let them think what they like. We will drive up for graveside and leave after.</p><p></p><p>So why did I turn this post into one about a funeral?????</p><p></p><p>It was on my mind today, I guess, since Jumper and I went shopping and I was searching the dark dresses, with no idea how people dress for funerals. Hubby will also be a problem. Even for a funeral, I know he'll want to wear his black jeans, b ut I think I can talk him into dark patns a nd a white shirt. Tie? Not so sure. Why am I worrying about this NOW? I hope it's not an omen.</p><p></p><p>At any rate, back to blame.</p><p></p><p>I do not blame my surviving FOO peeps from being screwed up. Whether they did me wrong or I did them wrong or both, they are a screwed up, ill bunch who have not come as far in healing as me, yet I am st ill screwed up...lol. Blame is pointless. POINTLESS. I decicded the focus will be on how I maintain a distance from anyone I can not safely be near or talk to or FB to or e-mail with. Blame is a waste of time. Staying apart is my main missions and that will be easy. I am in another state.</p><p></p><p>The different state really, really helps. Blame doesn't help anybody, especially if we blame t he bad behaviors of others on ourselves. It doesn't even help to blame them. Then we get angry and that's such a wasted emotion.</p><p></p><p>JMO. Sorry. Carry on...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 666165, member: 1550"] Well, Cedar, you know who I blamed. I blamed me. For being born and my mother's not loving me. For her not wanting to hold me because I stiffened in her arms. For her trying to hug me at around age two and me kicking her away. For her putting up with my tantrums and defiance. For my depression, which I bugged her to get help for all the time. For my being different, which deprived her of having fun being a mother. I blamed me. She only got to be a prom mom to me once, when i went to another boy's prom whom I didn't even like, but she loved him. I ended up causing a mild argument at the end of the date because I did not find him attractive and wanted an excuse not to kiss him. That was prom for me in high school. I was 15 and had no interest in going again ever. Homecoming? She never got to be a homecoming mom either. So I blamed me for not letting her have the fun a mom has with a typical high school kid. To my early therapists: "My mother was a GOOD mother. It was MY fault. I was just a bad kid." And this blame of myself continued into adulthood, to at least 40 or so. To until I met my husband and he saw that things were not normal here in the ole Loonybin Family. I blamed myself for my sister hanging up on me and not speaking to me for months or years and then when she came back to give me another chance, I was so grateful I wanted to kiss her feet to show my gratitude. Obviously, SHE was right and I had done something horrible or she never would have done that. I think this eroded slowly. The cops most certainly opened my eyes, but I mostly blamed myself for our rifts and did not see that the cops were her control method...the ultimate way to shut me up. I saw it as my being so horrible that she called the cops.Again, this eroded slowly. By the time my brother's letter came in, which I did not read (I am still so proud of me for this), I was already turning things around. I did blame him for being too cowardly to talking to me and to sending a letter all about what I did that made him angry. I did however have a little shame there that he felt the need to write me such a letter. But things were changing. Most of my life, I blamed me. By the time my mother got sick the second time, I was well into accepting that not everything was my fault, which was one reason I felt guilt-free not putting my family on hold to rush down and care f or her w hen she had brain cancer. My sister could do it. If she couldn't, the nursing home would do it. By then I did sort of realize it was not all my fault and the anger about being scapegoated was starting to surface. Yet I still had enough good will toward my sister to go to the funeral to comfort her. It wasn't for me. I did not know my mother nor mourn her. I had mourned her long before she'd died. Now, in 2015, I have a whole different way at looking at blame. Three words: I DON'T CARE. I certainly do blame them for some things and I know I wasn't an angel and the bottom line is that we can not be together. And I think that's the important part, not the blame. I am aware that my FOO is toxic to me so I will not deal with them anymore. The only thing I do think about at times is the inevitable funeral, which makes me feel both guilty and sad. I truly don't want to go because of them, but I also feel I can not let them keep me away from paying respects, in the way I want, to my father, whom I love very much. Today, I was looking in a new Goodwill store that just opened and found myself gravitating to the dresses. I don't own a dress and I knnow I"ll need a dark dress when that sad day comes. Lately, I've been thinking about, "What will I wear?" I am not fashion conscious and not even sure of what to wear at a funeral because I have been to so few. I know my kids will probably just go in jeans, those who show up. My father is not close to my kids. I don't know who will go. Do I make Sonic go, even though he hasn't seen him in years? He doesn't like to travel. Jumper will go. I doubt sh e will want to dress in black, but she may. I have no idea about the Buddha Baby family. I know they don't feel safe leaving Buddha Baby with ex and his mother has been a big problem for them and may not babysit and they don't trust strangers with my grandchild... and they won't bring her with...it will be up to them, really. My ex will go. He and my dad get along great. So here I am planning a funeral for a man who is alive...and what I will do. I know it will be the very last day I ever see my FOO. I will not sit shiva, especially if it is at a sibling's house and I don't know w here else it could be. But I will be there to honor and to mourn my father, not to give aid and comfort to relatives who may have heard bad things about me. Let them think what they like. We will drive up for graveside and leave after. So why did I turn this post into one about a funeral????? It was on my mind today, I guess, since Jumper and I went shopping and I was searching the dark dresses, with no idea how people dress for funerals. Hubby will also be a problem. Even for a funeral, I know he'll want to wear his black jeans, b ut I think I can talk him into dark patns a nd a white shirt. Tie? Not so sure. Why am I worrying about this NOW? I hope it's not an omen. At any rate, back to blame. I do not blame my surviving FOO peeps from being screwed up. Whether they did me wrong or I did them wrong or both, they are a screwed up, ill bunch who have not come as far in healing as me, yet I am st ill screwed up...lol. Blame is pointless. POINTLESS. I decicded the focus will be on how I maintain a distance from anyone I can not safely be near or talk to or FB to or e-mail with. Blame is a waste of time. Staying apart is my main missions and that will be easy. I am in another state. The different state really, really helps. Blame doesn't help anybody, especially if we blame t he bad behaviors of others on ourselves. It doesn't even help to blame them. Then we get angry and that's such a wasted emotion. JMO. Sorry. Carry on... [/QUOTE]
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