Jody, she sounds frustrated with having to deal with parents who are not using the system appropriately. But she has tagged you with that brush without checking to see if it fits. Also, chances are when the supervisor talked to this woman, the defence was, "I was justified, I am fed up with lazy parents wanting us to raise their kids for them," which could account for the apparent 'brush-off' you got.
Of course she was wrong to have a go at you like that. In fact, to have a go at any parent with the problem child in earshot. If you were merely a lazy parent expecting this place to give you respite so you could go off for a second honeymoon or whatever, then STILL she shouldn't have called you out as a parent within earshot of your child, because to do so empowers the child to be even more difficult. How is it for a child to overhear that their parent is dumping them in such a place purely out of laziness? Very hurtful. And in your case - it has taught your child that she can get you into trouble and can then use that over you to be even more difficult.
So whichever was the reasoning behind this woman's attack on you - it was inappropriate. Utterly.
Now, the natural reaction for a woman in your position is to pick up the phone and call someone, usually further up the chain. But what do people usually do after that? We usually shrug and walk away, because new problems keep rearing their heads and to keep pursuing this, becomes old news.
But if you want to make a difference and to get some sort of justice in this, you have to make a firm decision - you can shrug and walk away, and then focus on what happens from here (including entirely unrelated new issues) or you can choose to put this in writing, to follow through and make sure that what happened to you, won't happen to others.
This is an important choice and I'm not going to tell you which is right, because there is no such call that can be made. It will depend on how you evaluate your needs and your preferences in this. Whatever you choose to do, is right. But whatever you choose - you will have to stick with that choice, commit to it and follow through completely. No turning back.
If you can, do a PMI on the situation to help you with your choice. PMI stands for "Plus, Minus, Interesting".
You draw up a table and put those three headings on the top. Then you write in your two choices, and fill in the table.
I can't do that so well here, but I'll try to give you some things to start you off.
First choice - walk away after having made a couple of phone calls to complain.
Plus - you don't have to keep re-hashing old stuff. You can move on and focus all your energies on what life throws at you next. You don't have to keep dealing with idiots who treat you like you're a bad parent.
Minus - you have these people still at some level convinced they were right and you are a lazy parent. They may be more reluctant to take your daughter in the future. It will niggle at you that these people can do/say this and get away with it.
Interesting - this won't be the only time this sort of thing happens, what you choose to do now will help you make future choices like this.
Now the second choice - take serious action in writing and continue to follow through with it:
Plus - you will feel you are making a difference for others to come after you. You could succeed and get respected as a parent for what you are trying to do. You have a much greater chance of opening their eyes to you NOT being a lazy parent deserving of this criticism.
Minus - you still might not succeed. It's a lot of trouble, ongoing. You have to keep following through, you can't get to a certain point and walk away, or all your work will have been wasted, plus you will now have gained a reputation as a nitpicker and troublemaker. It can be scary, having to confront people. If they've bullied you once, they'll try it again and it could get even nastier, until they cave (which is why you can't stop, once you start).
Interesting - if you do follow this option and succeed, you will feel a lot stronger as an individual and better equipped to handle future disputes. Also you will feel better equipped to make more considered decisions in the future - not every battle like this is worth pursuing.
OK, that's just a few examples, it's not comprehensive.
I'm the sort of person who will follow through after an incident like this. But not every time. Sometimes the fight isn't worth the effort, because the best possible outcome is just not great enough to justify the effort it would cost me.
If you choose to leave things from here, having made a couple of phone calls, that is OK. Your choice, you're the one who has to make that call. There's nothing more to do.
But if you choose to follow through and make your complaint more formal, you have a number of things you need to do.
First - put it in writing. I would suggest you do this anyway, in case you have related problems further down the track. sometimes the first option, to walk away, doesn't make the problem go away. it's like bullies - ignoring them sometimes also encourages them to try harder to upset you.
So put it in writing. Be unemotional, but make your points clearly and effectively. Draft it as a mind map, to make sure you get your points collated and presented well.
Next, send the letter out. Be sure you are comfortable with what you have written, because copies are now going to go everywhere. Are you comfortable with the contents of your letter being read out on the TV or radio? Are you OK with it being read out in court? It may not be, but you have to be prepared for how far this could go.
Send the letter to the person you have the dispute with. Avoid using phrases that begin with "you..." but instead put your concerns as "I..." statements. For example, you don't say "You shouldn't have spoken to me like that..." but instead you say, "I was deeply distressed at what you said." The difference is subtle but important. You need to avoid being confrontational. The more reasonable but firm you seem in your letter, the more it verifies that you are a reasonable but firm and consistent parent.
Also send the letter to the person's supervisor, and if you feel you need to, send copies even higher. Whoever you send the letter to, the person you are upset with WILL get a copy. Papers like this will flow downwards, rarely upwards. so send your letter as high as you want it to go.
Always put "CC to..." at the bottom of your letter, with a list of who you are giving copies to. You can do this via email and still keep the other email addresses private (for example, if you are sending a copy of the letter to your solicitor but don't want the other party to know your solicitor's email address). IN which case, if it's email - do it as a Bcc (blind copy - the addresses don't show up) but still notify the recipient that you have sent out other copies and who to, in broad, by formally putting "CC to..." at the end. If you're sending the letter to the local media or your congressman, put them in the "CC to..." as well.
Doing this with letters is the official, formal way of doing it. It also can scare the willies out of someone who was merely having a bad day and shot her mouth off. If there's a chance she's realised at all that she shouldn't have spoken the way she did, you need to have left enough 'wiggle' room' in your letter for her to at this point apologist and perhaps meet with you to help formulate a plan to help you with your daughter.
Where possible in your letter, always leave such wiggle room for your 'opponent'. If you want a chance to win, you need to leave the other people some room to move and 'save face' and that room needs to be in the direction you want them to go. You also may need to be prepared to compromise - for example, offer to do that parenting course already suggested, even if you feel you don't need one (after all, you have an older child that you have raised with no problems) because BEING PREPARED to do a parenting course indicates your motivation to be a good parent. Too often the people doing these course, if they're not being forced to, are often those who don't really need them.
Also in your letter - make sure you state what happened, how you felt about it, what concerns you about this (in terms of ongoing concerns, such as the possible ongoing effect on your eavesdropping daughter and reduced ability for you to enforce discipline if your daughter believes you have had a few parental teeth pulled) and WHAT YOU WANT from them as a response to your letter. Try to be constructive, to make suggestions that could be a benefit to them as well as to you. For example, you could say, "I was very distressed to be spoken to that way, considering I am not the type of parent the person seemed to be accusing me of being. I am aware of how frustrating it must be for her to deal with parents whose children are not really a problem and who are abusing these services. I find tis frustrating too, because when situations like ours come along, we are then subject to what I consider to be unfair judgement. This greatly hampers my ability to get the help we so desperately need. I am a good parent, I know I am because I have an older child who does not have the problems this younger one is displaying. I wish I didn't have to with this child (because i didn't have to with the older one and have only recently begun using other services for help with my younger child) but I find I need to rely on help from organisations such as yours in order to deal with problem behaviours which are currently beyond my ability to handle.
I welcome constructive criticism if it can lead me to better parenting techniques which can genuinely help in this situation. But I have not chosen lightly to use your services, so the simple answers are likely to have already been tried, without success.
I would value being able to work together with you on this, because my child's needs in tis are the main concern."
Can you see what I mean? You HAVE to put yourself in their shoes, even if you can't find any excuse for such appalling behaviour. Doing this gives them wiggle room but still demonstrates that you are reasonable, you are determined to help your child, you have already tried the simple stuff. And by finishing with "I want to work with you on this" demonstrates that your hurt feelings cannot intrude if they are still able to help your daughter.
A couple of other things for you to think about - where did they get their ideas about you? In other words, what did your daughter tell them about you? "Divide and conquer" is a technique a lot of wayward teens can get very good at. The best way to combat "divide and conquer" is for you to be able to collaborate with the very person who attacked you verbally.
That will be difficult for both of you, especially if you burn your bridges too soon.
An unrelated example from real life - my sister has been in hospital at death's door for the last fortnight. Her husband has been pulling in one direction, her (adult) kids in another. I've had private concerns about the specialist looking after my sister - he didn't seem to be talking to the family or even involving many other doctors. We have been frantic.
My niece got very angry with this doctor at one point, when he seemed very dismissive and refusing to answer her concerns about her mother. My niece wants another doctor to be brought in, but I have advised caution. Because whatever else we can say about tis doctor, he HAS been doing everything right, in terms of my sister's treatment. Another doctor might (or might not) be nicer to deal with, but may not necessarily be the nest doctor for the job.
However, the doctor now seems to be involving the family and talking to them.
I discreetly took a slightly different tack - I asked the hospital to set up an advocacy service for the family, someone to translate the 'doctor speak' for the family and liaise between the doctor and the family with more compassion. I asked the hospital to not let the family know of my meddling, to make it seem this was a standard hospital service that was kicking in. This way, everyone saves face and gets what they want (as close as possible to it, anyway).
Sometimes you need to plan well ahead and also think laterally.
Your daughter sounds like a real handful. And I agree with what you haven't specifically said - how big she is (and whether you can physically force compliance) is not only irrelevant, it is inappropriate. When you have to resort to physical force, especially with ODD-like behaviour, you have lost the war. All it does it teach the child that violence IS the way. You have thereby met violence with a response from you of more violence and force, and control.
Mid you, I'd be handling it a slightly different (and lateral-thinking) kind of way. Instead of taking her to the police, I'd be taking her to the doctor or the vet (vet sounds good) for rabies shots. Girls of 11 don't bite. Dogs do. And dogs that bite need a muzzle to be fitted. Or other animal control methods. Maybe a lesson in animal control methods could show her that inappropriate behaviour is not tolerated in animals, which are less able to control what is for them normal survival behaviour.
But then, we don't have the range of services you guys have, in terms of alternative placements.
Marg