Blindsided

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by katya02, Apr 16, 2010.

  1. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    How do you cope when a child sends you a letter saying he's never known if his parents loved him; has never known unconditional love; has been wounded to the core, hurt irrevocably for years, by you ... and doesn't want an apology, just wants to be sure you feel as much pain as he has? The issue - he's coming out. But he hastened to say that his letter isn't about that, it's about how terrible I have been, how awful I have made his life. I am not allowed to have any thoughts or feelings about either his coming out, or him telling me how awful I am, either. I am only allowed to experience pain, according to him. The irony? I have suspected his orientation for some time but wanted to leave it to him to start the discussion when he felt ready. What I was not ready for was the accusations and vitriol verging on hate.

    I am reeling. I can't think about anything else but this letter; I can't stop rereading it. I can't stop crying. I seem to have been deluding myself for years in thinking that I loved this child - all of my children - with all my heart, supported and defended and encouraged and loved loved loved him and still do ... This is especially devastating to me because I grew up with an extremely abusive mother who only dealt in conditional and abusive forms of 'love'. I swore I would make sure my children never experienced that sort of pain and that I would always love my children unconditionally. I feel completely disconnected from myself, as if I've just been informed that I'm a mass murderer and I just didn't realize it.

    I am also not supposed to share his news with my husband, as that is not my privilege - so I am totally isolated with this. It's not the central news that is devastating me. It's the accusations and assertions that he's never been loved. I can't get my mind around it. I am devastated.

    I know this isn't probably the forum for this but didn't know where else to turn. I can't even talk to husband. When husband gets HIS letter, whenever that is, he will also learn that I got mine first and didn't share. It will affect our trust. I want to respect my child's need to say what he has to say to each of us but feel isolated and destroyed. Help, please.
     
  2. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Don't know why you couldn't share the news that you received a letter and you were shocked that your son didn't feel loved. I would let the other issue remain his to tell, and I wouldn't let husband read the letter stating that son asked you not to share. I would also try to take this with a grain of salt as there are clearly communication problems with your son. At the moment he doesn't seem to have empathy for you and it's all about him. I'm guessing he is trying to find his way and is unsure of how his life choices will be perceived. I obviously don't know all the facts but appears he afraid of being pushed away so HE pushed away first. Don't know if you have previously shared your ideas on lifestyle choices, but he must have picked up from somewhere that you may not be thrilled with the idea. Guess I would try to put down on paper your true feelings and let him know that you are not upset by his being gay, but more upset that he doesn't feel loved and supported by you.....

    Sit back, reflect on this and then take a deep breath. There is time to change your son's thoughts on being loved by you.

    Just my 2 cents.........
     
  3. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Katya! Which difficult child did this? It seems to me that you need to show this to husband. You feel that you shouldn't because your child needs to feel that you respect him, however it feels like he's more interested in assaulting you and controling you. This has to be one of the most abusive things that he could have done to you then add on that he wants to damage the trust that you and your husband have? That's just out of the box wrong!

    Some kids love drama - and this one sounds like a real doozy! It almost sounds like you're ok with him "coming out" and maybe he needs to create some sort of controversy so he can feel like he had the drama that he wants.

    Just my 2 cents!

    Feel better honey - you deserve the break!

    Beth
     
  4. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    I'm sorry you are so understandably hurt and devastated. However, this is classic borderline-type behavior. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, but it's the illness speaking.

    About sharing the letter? It's your letter to do with as you please. By not sharing something that you need support with, you are allowing difficult child to have you experience the pain he is purposely throwing your way. If you don't want to share that difficult child has come out because that is, afterall, personal for him and for him to share at his pace, I would at least read the rest of the letter to husband. YOU need the support, plus the trust issues that come into play with husband. difficult child is triangulating by doing this.

    I'm so, so sorry. Our difficult child's know how to cut to the bone. But please try to keep in mind, even though it won't help with the hurt you are feeling, that this is the illness speaking. *You* have done nothing wrong as a parent. You are a great mom who has gone above and beyond for your child, while taking abuse in the process.

    (((hugs)))
     
  5. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{{Katya}}} I have to agree about keeping the two issues separate. Clearly, you need to be able to share your grief and confusion over difficult child's letter with your H. No need to divulge the other information that you know and I think H would understand your allowing difficult child to tell him that news on his own and in his own time. How can you possible get through the evening without weeping and not talk with your H?

    Sending much support and hugs. I don't understand what makes people lash out at those who love them the most, but we hear about it all the time. I'm so sorry for the hurtful things that difficult child has said to you.
     
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Katya

    Bull Hocky!!:mad:

    Ok, so difficult child is coming "out". Good for him. So what makes him think this is I Get To Bash Mom Week??:angry-very::mad:

    I would not only tell husband about the letter, I'd show it to him. difficult child has NO business deciding (thinking he can decide) what the hades you two discuss/share. Who the heck does this kid think he is anyway??

    You're hurt, and I understand that, Nichole pulled something similar on me just a short while ago. But I'm mad as hades for you because you know it's not the truth, I know it's not the truth, and personally it makes me want to smack the snot out of the kid.

    And after difficult child gets to stick the knife in and twist it you're just supposed to ly down and take it?? OMG!!!

    OK. So I don't know the background behind his "coming out" or this "letter".

    I freely admit that. When Nichole did it to me she was striking out meaning to hurt and hurt bad because I'd just laid down the blunt hard facts of what her behavior was doing to other people. So when she came back with hers......I let it roll off my back cuz I knew it wasn't true. It told me I'd struck a nerve.

    So what is difficult child's supposed reason? Is it possible he's lashing out and pushing you away before you have a chance of rejecting him because of his coming out?? Kids can do the dangest things for the oddest reasons.

    It's not true Katya. difficult child is trying to hurt you, period. I'd look at what it behind this attack instead of the words and see if you can't figure it out. But I'd most definitely reply, even if it is to tell him you'd figured it out a long time ago and was waiting until he was comfortable enough to tell you.

    I think I came off sounding harsher than I meant to. Cuz really I didn't mean to. Just think of it as me getting mad for you, my friend.

    ((((hugs))))
     
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    First of all, the child is wrong. If he truly felt unloved and unsupported he would not write a letter and send it because he would figure it wouldn't be read and if it was he would be at best laughed at or ignored. He clearly KNOWS you love him because he knows that this accusation will hurt you terribly. He wants to hurt you for some reason of his own - NOT because of anything of your doing. I assume he is not living at home and he may be angry over that or over some other limit that was imposed or because his own delusions tell him things that are not true. Isn't this the difficult child that there was some question of schizoaffective disorder and/or being out of touch with reality?

    If your son feels unloved and unsupported it can ONLY be because he is delusional and has rewritten his past. I know you well enough to know he wasn't abused, wasn't left out of the love your other kids clearly received. Some difficult children send letters like this or say things like this when limits or boundaries are imposed. Sometimes it is because they fall in with other disturbed difficult children and decide that their parents were the worst and they want to prove it even if it isn't true.

    Tell your husband about it and show him the letter. The "news" of his coming out is problem not news to your husband. Either way, this is your husband's child and he has a right to know what is going on. Your husband also has a right to know what his son is saying to his wife.

    Son is WAY out of line here, stabbing you in the heart with the most hurtful things any parent can hear. Son knew what he was doing when he wrote this. He clearly knew he was loved because if he didn't know you loved him he would strike somewhere else if he wanted to hurt you in the most effective way. The fact that he even THOUGHT about writing this is proof he knows he was loved and supported. Writing and sending the letter means he knows he was loved and supported more than almost anyone else in your life.

    He is blatantly showing his disrespect, and contempt for you and your husband and your marriage. Mostly he is problem feeling awful about himself and striking out, but he clearly wants to drive a wedge between you and your husband. PLEASE don't let him. He wants you to feel all alone and in abject misery and pain, cut off from everyone. He can want that, but to write the letter and send it is abuse and you do NOT have to do what he tells you to.

    If a stranger sent you a letter and told you not to tell your husband, would you? Why would you let someone abusive dictate the state of your marriage? I know he is your son and you want to show him respect, but what he is asking is not respect. He is asking you to sabotage your marriage. He has NO RIGHT to ask that and you have every right to tell your husband. Your husband probably knows you are upset and will want to know why. TELL HIM!!!

    You would NOT let your child walk up and hit or stab or punch you in person. This is an emotional assault that is probably more devastating than a physical assault from your child. By doing this your child loses every right to ask you to keep things between you and him. It is time to let husband and even sibs know what he has said. At the very least husband. I would contact the other kids and ask if they received hurtful letters from your son. He may send them to his sibs also. I would give them a head's up so they can choose to read the letter or not if one arrives. It also will let them feel less alone if they receive a letter.

    Your son is very abusive and has no right to ask you for anything. Be prepared for him to ask for something, possibly very large/expensive. The letter may be the first part of his plan - tell you he feels totally unloved and you are horrible and awful. Then, to make it up he will ask for some huge thing - an opportunity to "make it up to me" or to "prove you really love me". in my humble opinion this is strictly manipulation and triangulation. He is cutting you out of the herd, making you weak, so you will do what he wants.

    Prove that you are strong enough to not fall for this. Talk to your husband. You wouldn't let a teenage difficult child destroy your marriage, don't let an adult difficult child do the same thing. You know your husband loves you, and you love him. Protect your husband from the future blows of a letter like this by preparing him for it.

    We tell children who are abused to talk about it, to tell someone. We tell women who are abused to get away, to talk to someone. I am telling you, an abused mother, to avoid your abusive son. To talk to your husband. To cut yourself off from your abuser no matter what he says.

    Sending hugs to a mom who's son clearly was and is loved. Clear as the zit on the nose on my face (which right now is letting me do a killer Rudolph the reindeer imitation.) your son knows you love him and that this love is the best way to strike at you.
     
  8. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I am so sorry. If he is gay and you are not holding judgment on this, than what is the problem? Sounds like this some sort of problem for him and not for you. However, he is TRYING to create a problem for you.
    Can you hold onto the idea that this is HIS maladaptive perspective? Also, it serves him well because it allows him to move away from accountability and toward entitlement. When I mention accountability, I mean in terms of being a responsible person in life (has nothing to do with- orientation).

    How can he be expected to be a responsible young adult, when after all, he didn't have a loving mother? You tell me? Perhaps others have fallen for this trap. Why should you? He has hit you where it hurts. AND he is manipulating the hexk out of you and your husband by trying to triangulate you. You can't talk to your husband about your letter? What's up with that? Is he in therapy? Is this part of some therapeutic treatment? If not, perhaps consider going for family therapy...the three of you. CAll his bluff. If mom was so unloving, how about some group sessions to get it all out in the open and on the table. However, bottom line is he is an adult. Too bad, so sad if he misinterpreted something along the way. You did your best and my guess is chances are REAL good that not only was he loved, but he had it MUCH better than many many out there. Take note of this...my difficult child got into a rip roaring argument with- her boyfriend recently who grew up with a drug addicted mother, was very poor and was kicked out of the house at age 18, that she had it WORSE by far than he did. Say what? Well, take out the violins. Katya.....in my humble opinion you need to drop kick this guilt trip fire bomb asap. AND I would seriously consider talking with- your husband about your difficult child upsetting you (perhaps leave out the revelation for now). I wouldn't hold it in for too long and I definately would NOT take his cruel comments seriously. Hand the guilt back to him and say "so sorry....mamma don't play this." Re-read Suz's link re: detachment...it's awesome! Set up some boundaries. Don't take direction from someone trying to separate you from your husband, acusing you of falsehoods and making you feel like CRXP!
     
    Lasted edited by : Apr 16, 2010
  9. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    I need to preface this by saying I had a really intense response - a wave of anger - when I read your post. That letter is something I could easily see getting from my difficult child, and I think I would waste about a nanosecond on it. It is far easier to blame parents than take responsibility for one's own actions. What on earth more could you have possibly done to show your son "unconditional love"?

    First off, Katya, in my humble opinion, difficult child doesn't get to dictate where you can and cannot get support from. I know that if/when I receive hurtful messages from my difficult child, husband is the absolute first place I go. Let's face it, our partners are sometimes the only ones who really get it. They've been there. They've seen it, lived it. What strikes me is how incredibly manipulative it is for your difficult child to dump on you, but then tell you you have no rights to comment or seek support, must only feel pain, because you don't have the "privilege" of sharing the info with- husband??? You have got to be kidding me. That is such divide-and-conquer kind of behavior, manipulative to the very core, and quite frankly nothing but abusive to you if you allow him to dictate what you can/can't feel and who you can/can't commiserate with.

    Needless to say, I'd share with- husband in a heartbeat, out of self-preservation. The trust between you and husband is *far* more important in my book that respecting difficult child's wishes. You are going to have to keep on living with- husband. And truly, I really feel that difficult child's "wishes" have more to do with power and control than anything kinder or more genuine.

    As far as his harsh words for you... do you believe them? Do they even remotely ring true?

    Our kids have distorted perceptions of reality, some more so than others. For some of them, nothing would be enough. Maybe I've gotten too hard, after years of listening to snippets of your son's letter come out of my son's mouth. We do the very best that we can. Perfect? Not by a long shot. But to this day, I don't know what more I could have done. And on those days when my difficult child decides it's time to blame me for all that is wrong in his world, I just tell him I'm truly sorry he feels that way and I hope that he will be able to fix it.

    I'm so very sorry, Katya. I simply cannot comprehend the intention infliction of pain on someone else - it's so utterly pointless. And really, from what you've said, that was the sole purpose of his letter - to cause you pain.

    Tear the letter up, go let your husband console you, and go hug/talk with- your other kids.
     
  10. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Thank you so, so much for all of your loving replies. I am in tears again - feel like such a wreck - and it will be hard for husband not to notice that something's wrong, although when he comes home exhausted from a 12 hour ER shift sometimes his eyes are virtually crossed with fatigue and he just can't deal with anything else. This letter did not actually come from difficult child. It came from easy child 2, who has had depression/anxiety problems for years but no trouble with reality as far as I could tell. He has shown traits at times that seemed to me unmistakeably borderline, and he is a master at twisting my words and making me feel miserable, and then at other times being the most sensitive, wonderful, helping person. But very high maintenance. I have thought he was probably borderline but he wouldn't welcome a suggestion that he be evaluated.

    easy child 2 has been angry and resentful for many years; he received a lot of abuse from difficult child when they were younger, plus there was resentment from difficult child getting so much attention and taking so much energy out of husband and me. easy child 2 has always stressed how 'good' he has been in relation to difficult child and how unappreciated he feels. He despises difficult child. I had thought his chronic anger had its source in difficult child's effect on the family; now I know that that was only part of the source.

    easy child 2 is furious with me about the fact that we have attended church all the children's lives (we are Russian Orthodox); he told me in his letter that he 'was forced to worship' a God who, he feels, hates him. He says I caused him inexpressible pain by telling him, years ago, that love for God comes first and is the source of our ability to love other people, because he felt I was telling him that I love God, who he thinks hates him, more than him. Of course when we had that conversation many years ago, we were talking in generalities about the nature and source of love. Orthodox theology does not focus on homosexuality; I can honestly say that, in twenty years, I have not heard one sermon on that topic. There is a focus on self-examination and humility. While it is true that a gay lifestyle isn't approved in Orthodox teaching, neither are adultery or basically any relations outside of marriage. The emphasis is on what we strive for. Love is the biggest focus, and each person is seen as both a struggler on a journey and as an image of God. I'm sorry to bring religious discussion into this, I may be violating guidelines - I only do it to explain that growing up in the Orthodox faith did not mean that my son lived in an atmosphere of condemnation. But it is easy child 2's perception that that was so.

    easy child 2 has told me he intends to send letters to husband and to his siblings, but they will each be different. He focused on faith in my letter; I don't know what he will focus on with the others. If he is determined to lash out and hurt, I think I had better prepare them.

    I'm not sure if I can separate the issue of easy child 2's statements about not feeling loved from the main issue, in terms of sharing with husband. Discussing the first inevitably leads to the second, because the first question is "what would lead him to say this? Why does he feel he's never had unconditional love?'. I just don't know what to do about sharing the letter. Maybe I should give easy child 2 a short deadline, like 48 hours, to say what he wants to say to husband, after which I will share my own letter; or maybe I should just share. I do resent that easy child 2 is triangulating and putting a wedge between husband and me.

    easy child 2 is due to come home from college in two weeks. I have no idea what he's thinking - how will we relate after a letter like this? He usually stays in touch daily to discuss my cattery (which was his project originally and which he loves intensely). He told me that if we have any emotion of grieving he will never forgive us; that we are not to show any negative emotion or say anything around him in terms of being upset. He said that he had thought of waiting until he finished his degree, having a huge rant at both of us, and then never speaking to us again; but he decided to 'reach out to us'. He sees himself as the magnanimous victim and this is all about him, for sure. We are not permitted emotions because we are not the ones who have suffered for years.

    I would never turn my back on him, any more than I have ever turned my back on difficult child. difficult child, at the moment, lives with his girlfriend and they have just found out she's pregnant. I don't agree with difficult child's choices but it's his life and his responsibility. He knows I love him. I tell him, and I show him, often. The same goes for all my children. I don't run their lives as adults and I don't make their choices for them. I love them, period. No conditions. But I feel like easy child 2 has now put all sorts of conditions on our relationship.
     
  11. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    There is soooooooooooooo much I could say about the letter and what was in it but I think I will focus on your last post. You've been told you are not "to show any negative emotion or say anything around him in terms of being upset".

    Seriously?

    And he thinks he can just waltz back home after writing such ugly things to you and there will be no negativity and things will just be hunkey dorey?

    I'm with Hound dog. BULLPUCKEY!!!!!!

    Do it calmly, rip into him....whatever works. But....I would have my boot so far up his backside for, at the very LEAST, the total lack of respect for you and your feelings that he'd be tasting it for a month. I honestly don't think his sexuality is an issue here. For me, what IS an issue is the way he presented his feelings and opinions. To do it is one thing....to do it in such an ugly way is totally different.

    HUGS
     
  12. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    No, Katya, he doesn't get to dictate how you react. You are entitled to your feelings and entitled to express them - especially in your own home. Period. If he doesn't like it, then he can find somewhere else to stay. At his age, staying at home is a privilege, not a right.

    I don't mean to sound harsh or abrupt, but I was already angry over what he said to you and that last "rule" pushed me over the edge.

    My easy child is 18 and just a month or so ago when he decided to be really nasty to me, I told him that if he really felt that way, he needed to leave. He said "No, I'm not. I don't have anywhere to go." And I let him know that I could evict him. That shocked the socks off him, to say the least. I will not be treated like that by my child (or anyone else, for that matter) in my home after everything I have done for him/her. It would be different if I had deserved it. I had not. And neither have you. I would lay my life down for my children, but I will not stand by and be treated badly them. (My easy child has struggled with depression/anxiety, too, since he was 10 - his is the kind that comes out as anger, and it sounds the same with your son.)

    As an aside, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) 8 years ago when I was going through a severe depression bordering on psychosis. Once I got through that, I no longer fit the criteria. So, it is possible that it is depression that is looking like Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) as much as it's possible that he has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). In fact my daughter who has severe anxiety/panic disorder has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) (among other PD's), but now that she's been stable the last couple of weeks since her hospitalization and on new medications, I'm not seeing Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) traits. I'm not ready to say yet that she isn't Borderline, but I'm starting to wonder how much was the other stuff which was causing her to lash out, Know what I mean??
     
  13. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Katya, I think easy child 2's status needs to be changed to a difficult child status. Seriously, he has some big time issues. And honestly, while he is laying the blame at your feet and everyone elses, they are HIS issues, not yours.

    I understand religion, especially religion with firm beliefs. (actually yours sounds pleasant, I sort of like how it is based) My mother is a religious fanatic, seriously, to the Nth degree and then some. I don't mean she is faithful or devout. Fanatic. There is a difference.

    And it wasn't a pleasant environment to grow up in, let me assure you. So much so that it has turned me away from organized religion completely.

    BUT it did not turn me away from my mother. Even though my mother is fanatical, the two things aren't meshed together. She is my mother. Religion is religion. Yes, growing up I was forced to follow her beliefs. Guess what? That's what parents do. As an adult she has continued to attempt to cram her brand of religion down my throat. It doesn't work because I choose not to live my life that way. Simple. My choice. She doesn't like it. She has learned to accept it. (and now only bugs me about it once in a while which I respectfully ignore lol)

    My children weren't raised with organized religion, however they were exposed to it from time to time. I have nothing against it really, I just can't be comfortable with it. They were raised with different beliefs. Nichole has started attending a local church. She's reading the bible. Her choice. I don't have a problem with it, unless she would go to the extreme, but even then....that would be HER choice.

    Obviously easy child has issues with the church he was raised in. Fine. He needs to deal with that himself. It has nothing to do with you or husband. That is between him, the church, and God.

    My point is.......easy child is trying to make you feel guilty over something you've no reason to feel guilty over. He needs to get over himself in a big way. And if you allow yourself to feel guilt over something you've no reason to feel guilty for.....you're going to feed into this notion of his, whatever the heck it is and it's just going to get uglier. Because if your NOT guilty.....then why do you feel so bad? (a difficult child's logic, I've spent 20 yrs with Nichole)

    You parented your kids the best you knew how. You were given one with special needs and you did the best you could. Period. No excuses. That's just the way it is. If he's so traumatized by the abuse suffered by difficult child then he needs to stop whining about it and go work it out with a therapist. It is not your problem, you can't fix it. That is between him and difficult child. Period. If he feels neglected because you had to spend more time with difficult child......well sorry bud my violin is broken and in the shop.:mad:

    I don't know how this boy got such an over inflated EGO, but his needs someone to pop his balloon. Life is not fair. Life is not always what we want it to be. He might as well get used to it, because he's got a loooong way to go yet.

    My easy child was in her teens when she pulled the Poor pity me I'm living with difficult children and get no attention routine. She found out fast that it doesn't wash with me. She snapped out of it fast and I've never heard even a hint of that attitude again.

    Your easy child is grown and acting like a spoiled 10 yr old having a major temper tantrum. Like I tell Nichole, he obviously has some serious anger issues going on. HE needs to deal with them, not try to throw them onto to other people to make himself feel better. And if he is borderline.......if you play into these behaviors and manipulations.....oh Nelly are you in for one heck of a ride!! Experience talking.

    My guess, from his saying he was just going to drop this on you like a bomb after graduation and then walk away forever.............He thinks you're going to attack him because of his homosexually. In his mind (for whatever reason) he firmly believes you'll never accept it or him. And his doing his utter best to reject YOU before you get the chance to do it to him first.

    Wow. I have lived with Nichole too long. sigh. This sort of thinking is starting to make sense to me. ugh

    (((hugs)))
     
  14. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Honestly, Katya... boy oh boy. Lots of thoughts running thru my head.

    Sigh... He's really made a mess of this. *He's* really made a mess of this, Katya. None of this is on you or how you raised him or the choices you made as a parent. How arrogant (but if I recall correctly, fairly age appropriate) that he would presume to gauge who suffered more. I believe the quote in my signature with all my heart. There's no absolute measure of who suffers more or worse - it's all relative. Something he'll figure out someday.

    Parenthood is not for the faint of heart. ;)

    So, after all is said and done, I think you've got a kiddo who is hurting badly and who has unfortunately adopted a strategy of the best defense is a good offense and who really knows how to go for the jugular. I have to wonder if he's anticipated the family response and built it to such a negative thing in his mind that he's just completely forgotten who you all really are. Because I'm not picking up vibes of "not my son" from you.

    So... can you reach out to him, with love and forgiveness and good counsel? It sounds like there are so many issues here, really. First and foremost, I would allay his fears of rejection (again, assuming I'm picking up your response correctly) and reinforce that unconditional love, in spite of the fact that he just hit you with an emotional nuclear bomb (and I'd tell him that, too).

    I would caution him against going after his siblings in the same tone - just my experience watching my own kids, but they seem to be less able to deal with- this type of emotional warfare and far less willing to forgive. I think sibling bridges are much easier to burn. And really there's no point in it.

    I would ask how I could help him. What does he want, truly want, after you get thru all this barbed wire that he's thrown up?

    And I would let him know, as gently as I could manage, that he does not have the experience nor the right to dictate your emotional response to his diatribe. It would be like you telling *him* he can't be angry because he has a difficult child sibling, or he's gay, or he had to go to church, or whatever else is fueling his fire. It's a 2-way street and quite frankly, he needs to grow up a bit.

    My heart is with you.
     
  15. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Dear Katya, I wish I could take your pain away. Your son really went for the jugular didn't he? That is the type of letter which my mother would have written to me, I have a sense of the depth of pain it has inflicted on your nurturing heart. You were not blind sided, you were ambushed!

    Something tells me that he is terrified his father will reject him so he lashed out at you. Maybe your RELIGION would hate the sin while still loving the sinner but your CULTURE of origin would not.

    He has no right to dictate to you. If this were my son, I would tell him he is no longer welcome until he gets some therapy. It's obvious that he needs professional help. Holding him at arm's length while still loving him may not be unconditional love but it is self love.

    I wish you and I could get together over a cup of tea.
     
  16. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Will he be mailing his letters to his siblings? If so, is there any way you can intercept their receiving these letters? I would be inclined to intercept the letters so that you can preface them...let them know that if they want to talk about the content of the letters, you can be there to discuss...perhaps even say how alarmed you are by this 'assault' by easy child.

    I bounced this off my H and his first words were, "So what? He disagrees with his religious upbringing...find me a person who doesn't! Her son needs to get over it. His life is his life - how he chooses to live it, authentically, is up to him. There is no one to take any blame for his own shortcomings. We all have a cross to bear and we all have issues from our upbringing that we need to deal (or not deal) with in our adult lives. How we choose to deal (or not deal) with them is up to us."

    I will admit, at first I thought it sounded like a form of denial, but I have to agree. Your son has issues that he feels he is struggling with. What goal is he working towards in blaming you or H or the rest of the family? How is lashing out at any one of you going to help his ultimate goal of being a better person?

    This is difficult, I know, but you really need to to try and put this into a perspective that it's HIM not you, not H, not difficult child or your not being available to easy child during difficult times in his life. My God, what parent is able to be everything to every child at every moment?

    It's unfortunate that your easy child has decided to express his disappointments in this manner. I still feel that you need to lean on your H, even if it means a breach of confidence with easy child. Your H is your confidante. He's your person - the one you go to. Someone said something about easy child being a stranger and what would you do? You would go to H with this hurt and pain. This is no different. And I also agree that easy child can now be classified as a difficult child for now. He has issues he needs to work out and as a young adult, it's his job to do so.
     
  17. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I can't add anything to what everyone else has said, but I CAN send you a lot of hugs. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{LOTS OF HUGS.}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

    I agree that you should tell husband, let him read the letter. "easy child" can NOT tell you how to live your life. Including what you do and do not tell husband. If he'd said, "I'm getting Dad a t-shirt for Father's Day, please don't tell him" I can see holding that back. But this?!

    Also agree that it's not about coming out, being gay or straight or having a fetish for ceiling tiles. THAT's not the issue here. Honestly he does sound terrified. Wounded animal. I would imagine some 'friend' laughed. Or he had a bad relationship. Any way it happened, YOU are awesome. It's not YOUR issue here.
     
  18. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Thank you all again .... lots to think about. I have assured difficult child 2 (I've changed my signature; I agree with that status) that I love him, have always loved him, will always love him. I've told him he can't dictate the feelings of others. I think he is indeed terrified that his father will reject him and has lashed out at me pre-emptively. I believe that husband will not reject difficult child 2 over his sexual orientation but will not stand for the 'approach' that was used with me; if difficult child 2 does that to husband in his letter I think husband will tell him to find somewhere else to live. The comment that the CULTURE may be the biggest problem was like a light going on for me. The culture that husband comes from is an issue, but husband is not an integral part of it. We don't have extended family around to offer their opinions or to judge. It really is stupid of difficult child 2 to use the 'best defense is a good offense' tactic; he may bring his fears to reality needlessly. I could never turn my back on my son and husband won't, either. But difficult child 2 may be working himself up to turn his back on us.
     
  19. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I have been a bit busy this afternoon and didnt get a chance to answer this and the ladies have given you some fine advice.

    I do think he is slinging arrows at you because he is completely frightened by how you will accept him with his news. Sort of like the horrible tantrums they had when they were young with only us because they knew we really loved them. In this day and age, having a gay child is not the end of the world. There are so many worse things that can happen that as long as the child is happy, healthy and a productive member of society, I would be happy.
     
  20. Hugs for you (((((((((((((Katya)))))))))))))

    I've told people for years the ONE person I WILL NOT keep secrets from is the man I married.
    (You would be amazed at how many people feel they are entitled to that privilege!)

    I encourage you to not allow your son's bullying guilt you into keeping his letter a secret from your husband!!!!!!!

    Regarding our difficult child's we've been encouraged by many professionals that most "children" hold their parents on such a high pedestal and believe they know everything and can do no wrong.

    "adolescence/early adulthood" Is where they realize the perfect parent's aren't so perfect after all and don't know everything. This is a stage of development where in some young people the pendulum can swing the complete opposite direction and where letters or outbursts with messages similar to what you have received are sent with much venom.

    Sharing the advice that was passed on to us... "don't take it personally!"

    I'm trusting in the proverb that when we train our children right when they are small, they will do what is right when they are old.
    The whole middle section is not mentioned in that proverb.... In the meantime, I'm waiting eagerly for our kids to get old!!!!!!!!

    I have heard from one source whose family is on the victory side of a letter like you have received, that they all genuinely laugh about it now!!!!

    Hang in there momma!!!! You and your sweetheart are supposed to ride off into the sunset together.

    You will need each others support during this difficult time of letting your little birds fly and make a life for themselves.
     
Loading...