Blindsided

katya02

Solace
JJJ, thank you - that letter says a great deal without getting sidetracked. Although difficult child 2 says he grew up 'knowing' that God hates him and that we love a God who hates him, and therefore he can't be sure of our love, there is nothing in Orthodox teaching that preaches hate against homosexuals. To the contrary, as in (I believe) Roman Catholic teaching, every person is loved and honored as an image of Christ.

I like the idea of sending a letter from both husband and me. I want difficult child 2 to be clear that he isn't going to isolate and triangulate us.
 
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N

Nomad

Guest
Well, no doubt there can be conflict in the church's teachings and this topic. And, no doubt, he has heard about this conflict. Perhaps he was taught this at church.
But if you have a different view on it, it seems like a good idea to talk with him about it. And also very important is the idea that you don't feel any differently about him.
If he has personal conflict of a religious nature, perhaps he should see a therapist. He might also want to visit any number of Christian churches who welcome gay members in an effort to assuage this conflict.
However, he does not have the right to project his anger onto you. He is being unfair and causing undue pain/anguish.
 

katya02

Solace
He specifically addressed his conflict with religious teaching in his letter, saying that he refuses to become a 'bitter shell' of himself just to be approved. He thinks that churches that welcome gay members are distorting the nature of God in their teachings - i.e. he is determined to reject God. That gives me great pain, but of course is his decision. I have talked with him about my view and emphasized that I love him unconditionally. I don't know if his increased cheerfulness and return to 'normal' in his text messages over the past day or two mean that he's accepted my assurances and is feeling better, or if he's just gone on from his rage now that he feels better.

I'm torn about whether to give him a time limit for telling husband. husband is not feeling well; he tires easily and it takes all his strength to complete his 12 hour shifts in the ER. He tells me he feels he's getting old; he certainly doesn't have the reserves he once had, nor that 'alpha' personality. His MI really took a lot from him. So I fear a huge upset for him, such as would happen if difficult child 2 sends a deliberately hurtful letter as he did to me; I'm afraid it might cause the second and final MI. I wonder if giving difficult child 2 time to absorb my message and hopefully gain some reassurance so that he feels able to approach husband without aggression might be best. husband might still feel hurt that I knew sooner but he would cope better without being personally attacked. I think husband will have a hard time with the news that difficult child 2 is gay, but I also think he will work through it and accept it. It's the initial time he'll need to just think and do the Tevye thing, i.e. 'this is not what I imagined for my son .... on the other hand, he is my son and I love him' (daughter's school produced 'Fiddler on the Roof recently so it's in my mind) that difficult child 2 doesn't seem willing to give him.
 
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