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<blockquote data-quote="Malika" data-source="post: 561639" data-attributes="member: 11227"><p>Well, you said "our kids can smell a phoney compliment a mile away" <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> And I agree, phoney compliments are insulting to the child, ultimately. </p><p>I think what I'm saying is that I need to give J a sense that he is valued and welcomed by me. As all of us here know, this is sometimes exceptionally difficult with a difficult child and, I will go out on a limb and say, for me because J is not my biological child and I do not "feel" him and connect to him in an intuitive way. But biological parents aplenty seem adrift with their children so that may be a red herring. </p><p>I think something went wrong with our attachment. When he was a baby I loved him so much but I was working all the time, the only serious breadwinner with a husband who was then profligate with money as with all other things (he has since undergone something of a transformation). He was cared for during the day by a series of Moroccan nannies. Then we went between England, Morocco, France as my marriage was breaking up. I told him from the beginning about his birth mother, as you have to, and it seems to have fractured his sense of identity and self somewhere. He constantly brings this up, constantly says to me when things are difficult between us "you're not my mummy", "I'm not your little boy". I know biological kids say these things but they don't say them as young or as frequently.</p><p>And then when things are good, they are good... but really, I realise, it's just waiting for the next wave to crash...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Malika, post: 561639, member: 11227"] Well, you said "our kids can smell a phoney compliment a mile away" :) And I agree, phoney compliments are insulting to the child, ultimately. I think what I'm saying is that I need to give J a sense that he is valued and welcomed by me. As all of us here know, this is sometimes exceptionally difficult with a difficult child and, I will go out on a limb and say, for me because J is not my biological child and I do not "feel" him and connect to him in an intuitive way. But biological parents aplenty seem adrift with their children so that may be a red herring. I think something went wrong with our attachment. When he was a baby I loved him so much but I was working all the time, the only serious breadwinner with a husband who was then profligate with money as with all other things (he has since undergone something of a transformation). He was cared for during the day by a series of Moroccan nannies. Then we went between England, Morocco, France as my marriage was breaking up. I told him from the beginning about his birth mother, as you have to, and it seems to have fractured his sense of identity and self somewhere. He constantly brings this up, constantly says to me when things are difficult between us "you're not my mummy", "I'm not your little boy". I know biological kids say these things but they don't say them as young or as frequently. And then when things are good, they are good... but really, I realise, it's just waiting for the next wave to crash... [/QUOTE]
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