Blowing off steam!!!!!!!!!

[davey327]

I think that's all I need to do. It's been a rough couple of days around here. There's been no school, so both kids have been home with me. One is homeschooled so she's always home and while she takes up most of my time, it's not too difficult to handle just her, but put them both together, when it's cold and you can't go outside or anywhere really, so it's just them and me, and before long it turns into something of a nightmare. I don't think they're that bad, just noisy, argumentative, and rambunctious. It's not like the entire day is horrible. It comes in waves, but when the waves come in I feel like I'm crashing against the rodks. And then their mother comes to pick the boy up for her biweekly overnight visit.Girl doesn't go overnight, she just goes for the Saturday. Mom just picked her up a minute ago. And this is what has set me off. Mom has her hair done, her nails done, she's taking the kids to big sisters ballgame; there are four kids, two with us and two with another family, then they're going to Pizza Hut, and then they're going skating. Fun and Games! She has them two days out of the month and when they're with her it's fun and games. They're with us the rest of the time, and it's baths, and teeth brushing, and school, and schoolwork, and schedules, and routines. I do all the hard stuff, and don't get my hair and nails done, although girl did put my hair up in pigtails this morning. My husband and I deal with their problems and she has fun. Where's the fairness in that?

 

[TerryJ2]

There isn't any. Except that when they're middle aged, they'll look back on it and thank you.

Right now, you have to find a way to take care of yourself. Don't compare yourself to her mom. Just do something YOU like to do, regardless whether she's in the picture. Do you have a special day once a wk or once every 2 wks when you can go out for lunch or coffee?

I try to take a day off or a night off, overnight, once a mo. or once every few wks. It makes a huge difference.

Also, what do you do with-the kids that's fun? It doesn't have to cost money. Or, it can be inexpensive ... maybe ice skating when it warms up to above zero, or creating a beach scene in the living room, with-beach towels, swim suits, umbrellas, and exotic, colorful videos on TV, and a picnic lunch.

Just throwing things out ...

 

[skeeter]

my oldest said it best when his father and I first divorced.

I told him I didn't care what address he used for things (his father and I have shared parenting, and while legally I'm the custodial parent, I didn't have a problem with the kids keeping their father's address on things).

My son asked "Is this the address that important things like school papers will come to?" I said "yes". He said "then you better put down YOUR address".

They both know that when it's really important, I'm the one they can trust and talk things over with. Not through anything I've necessarily done, other than all the nitty gritty stuff of raising them. It now drives their father nuts that they DON'T ask him for things, but come straight to me or my husband. Well, they know who will do things FOR them!

 

[navineja]

I can relate to your frustrations. As I mentioned before (I think), we have guardianship of my niece's 2 girls. We struggle day to day like most of us to put food on the table and clothe the ever-growing children. But when my niece calls (as infrequently as that is) she is always talking about whatever new gadget she has (bluetooth, blue ray player, ipod, etc) or whatever new thing that her other two kids are into (and never is that an inexpensive hobby). But does she ever send any money or clothes for these two? Of course not! She will spend $75-$100 to buy dumb little toys or boxes of stickers to ship to the girls (boxes we got today cost almost $75 to ship!), but never wants to provide for them! AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!
We get to deal with the temper tantrums and the daily problems of life and with the fallout when she does stupid things like tell them that she is coming to visit (which they don't even believe anymore, but still makes them sad) or when she tells them that they can't speak to their siblings b'c the siblings are at Disneyland!
BUT then I tell myself that we also get all the hugs and kisses and "I love you"s that she has chosen to give up.
I think that we come out with the better deal! (Usually- though in the midst of a 5 hour tantrum, I do wonder!)

 

[davey327]

It does sound llike we're coming from the same place. Their mom does do her every other weekend thing, but please, two days a month compared to the other 28? Big deal.

 

[Nancy423]

you can do fun things too! We would picnic up at the small airport a few miles away. take bike rides on the path. go to the river downtown and play on the playground. ice skate & sledding in the winter at the park district. for a couple bucks, we roller skate (both kids LOVE it). We used to have a pool pass and would go several times a week. We play the Wii together and have so much fun! (ok, that might be a bit out of the budget )

sorry you're feeling like this. all the kids of divorced parents I know have grown up truly appreciating the "non-fun" parent because they were always there. (((HUGS)))

 

[Sheila]

Blow as much as you like.

I used to swear I was going to have a sound proof screaming room built into the house. A punching bag would have been nice too.

 

[davey327]

We do do, sorry for the do do, fun things, we go out to eat, we play games, we watch movies, we do normal family things. It's just that we do all the nitty gritty things too, then every other weekend, 2 days a month mom comes and they do nothing but have fun with her. And don't take me wrong, mom and I generally get along well, we always have. It's just that sometimes the fact that we have ALL the responsibility for the kids that her and her ex damaged takes its toll.

 

[DDD]

I completely...thoroughly...without a doubt understand your frustration as the boys biomom (referred to as GFGmom here on the board) has never ever taken responsibility for their care. She has never bought school supplies, school clothes or new shoes. on the other hand...she has chinese or pizza or a trip to Chili's or Outback weekly. GRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Not only that, she loves to "share secrets" with the boys (since they were toddlers) which obviously teaches manipulation and coniving ways. Ugh.

I use the Serenity Prayer to survive contact with her. It's healthy to have some way to vent. Without the CD family I think I would have imploded years ago. We've got your back and send caring hugs. DDD