Blunt conversation with Kanga tonight

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by JJJ, Jun 28, 2011.

  1. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Kanga was in her poor me mood. She asked when she was going to get to see her siblings. We have explained -- including during family therapy sessions -- that she is not going to see or even speak to them again. She declared that she was going to contact them when she turned 18. I told her she would not do so or we'd get a restraining order against her.

    Eeyore and Piglet (who are also biological sibs to her) have no desire to see her. About 6 months ago, they asked if we would please take her pictures off the walls and start telling people that we have 3 kids. They want to move on with their lives without her. Eeyore's therapist said that she supported his request to end the relationship. We did not share that with Kanga.

    There is a big part of me that hopes that at 18 she refuses to sign the paperwork that would allow us to continue to speak with her treatment and educational teams. I'm so ready to be done with her.
  2. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    As much of a PITA as she's been, those statements from the other kids almost make me feel sorry for her.
  3. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    One can only attempt to kill/injure and make serious false allegations against someone so many times before they are done with you for their own safety. She is reaping what she has sown.
  4. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    That's the "almost" part. *hugs*
  5. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I sound like a broken record...the fact that you continue to be there for her in any fashion just speaks volumes about you.

    I cant even imagine.

  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am with Shari. I don't know that I could continue to have contact with her if I were in your shoes, other than to make sure her placement kept her safely away from others. She is blessed to have you in her life.

    I totally support the other kids in not wanting her photos around or to have her for a sibling. Part of me wishes I could even "almost" feel bad for her. I just don't. Maybe too much on the receiving end makes me hard, but ALL of my sympathies go to the rest of the family.

    in my opinion she should NEVER have contact with the rest of the kids. Just too much damage coming their way from her in the past.
  7. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Reading this, without knowing any of the history, does indeed make me feel sad for Kanga.
  8. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Knowing the background story still allows me to feel some sorrow. Kanga didn't ask to have these issues and the fact that her siblings want to forget her existence is sad to me. It doesn't excuse what she has done or the impact that it has had on her sibs, but I also question erasing her because I venture to guess that her existence will rear it's head in those children's life as they grow older. Taking her pictures down is almost like sweeping the dirt under the rug - it's still there, you just don't have to face it until you move the carpet. In ten years, the kids may have to face reality again and if they have pretended it doesn't exist, it might be harder when it resurfaces.

    Just my random thoughts, no desire to make judgements about the decisions you make for your family. I admire and respect you as a mother.

  9. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    JJJ, kt wanted to forget wm. Insisted that she wasn't a twin & didn't know who that "weird boy's pictures" photos came from & questioned why we would have them displayed.

    Unfortunately, kt does have a twin ~ they survived he!! together. It's part of her history.

    I truly understand your feelings, your pain in severing all ties with Kanga. When it becomes too much for a soul you just want to shut that person out of your life. That isn't going to make her go away.

    kt has spent 5 plus years dealing with "the loss" of her twin, so to speak. She's incredibly conflicted.

    I agree with the no contact order, don't get me wrong. However, your other children know they have an incredibly ill & violent sibling & must make peace with it. They need to find ways to protect themselves if Kanga ever decides she will contact her siblings after they are adults.

    I'm offering to you what we are dealing with here. Know that I understand your & your children's feelings toward Kanga.
  10. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Thanks everyone. They know that she is still out there and I do make sure they know that we still advocate for her and talk to her a couple of times a week. I think it is important that they know that we are still trying to help her.

    If someone who knew Kanga mentions her, they just say she's still at the special school. They don't pretend she never existed. Well, Tigger tells people we traded her for the dog - lol.
  11. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    JJJ, I hope you understand I know there is no simple solution to this situation. (((hugs)))
  12. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    I hope that you make the best decision for you and your're family, and that you have peace with your decision. Hang in there. I just don't know why things have to be so hard sometimes. Many hugs.
  13. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I would do what the professionals recommended. It is too big to take on the shoulders of a parent. Maybe I am a chicken or weak. It seems to be the most logical me.

    I do feel sad that she has lost her family. But, I know her illness did this to her. And I am sure it will take many other things from her the rest of her life. Unfortunately.
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Traded her for the dog! lol! I'd forgotten that line.

    Is she 17 now?

    I would keep pics in my bedroom, but maybe not have them all over the fridge, fwiw. Something that is still there, but a bit more discreet.
    It really is sad. But you know you have done your best and are still doing your best. You are so strong.
  15. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Just wanted to send hugs.........I have absolutely no thoughts or advice as I have not walked in your shoes.

    But I wanted to share the only perspective I have. Matt has a friend from his program that has said many violent things to his dad and sisters, and they have completed alienated him, their choice. He is SO mentally ill, that it makes me beyond nervous that Matt and him are really good friends - yet - he explains his feelings to Matt so succinctly. He explains the mom who gave him pcp at 4 and sexually abused him - the mom that locked him in a closet for long periods of time - the mom that reaped inordinate amounts of damage on such a young kid.

    It brings tears to my eyes when Matt explains Mike's life....yet I also know that this kid can be psychotic. He had many psychotic episodes before he went into the program, including killing many animals, and I am sure making threats to his family. I can see why his family does not want any part of him - yet his dad pays a ton for him to stay in the program and to get help until he is 21 - so it is obvious he still cares.

    I guess his story reminded me of Kangas. I watch it all from far away - so I can remain completely objective. Truthfully my main concern has been that Matt is so close to him - and how will this friendship negatively influence Matt. Yet I can't help but to also see Mike's life from Mike's perspective and it is so heart wrenching. I only know the Mike that always wants to try and talk to me when Matt calls, and how funny he is, and how evident it is that he is dying for love. That is the only side I know - the rest of his life has not been part of my experiences or I know I would feel totally different.

    Not sure where I am going with all this - except that I know there are not any "right" answers. Everyone has to stay safe - and hopefully somehow Kanga will find a group that she can bond with, find acceptance with, and accept love from - sorta like Mike has found with Matt.

    Again - sending strength.
  16. BeachPeace

    BeachPeace Guest

    I get it.
    Blue has older 1/2 bio siblings that have a no-contact order (they were victims themselves, but also abusers)
    I just pretend that they do not exist - when Blue has asked me I tell him they are "in jail forever"
    I think for the other siblings it may be a part of a grief process.
    For me it is easier to cope with the loss/anger/resentment/grief to just move forward.....
    {{Hugs for your Mama Heart}}
  17. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Steely, I know bad things can happen to totally innocent kids, but we also know on this site that some very disturbed kids can tell the most atrocious whoppers. I also feel nervous about Matt's friendship with this guy - Matt is basically a decent kid from a good home, he doesn't have the necessary guile. Just tell him to keep his eyes open and his cards close to his chest. This young man may simply need a friend, or this young man may be exploiting Matt too, as he has learned to exploit so many others before him.

    Just be there for Matt, because the time will come when there are problems. Matt will need to know that there was probably nothing he could have done to help.

  18. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    My first reaction was concern for Matt as well. To hear Kanga talk, our home was horribly abusive/neglectful. She plays the poor victim very, very well. When she finds someone "that she can bond with, find acceptance with, and accept love from - sorta like Mike has found with Matt." she sucks them dry and moves on when they begin to catch onto her.
  19. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Sadly, that happens far more than we often realise.

    People who show genuine compassion are often ripe for exploitation. And the damage that is done, is to overlay the compassion from then on with a veneer of suspicion.

    My best friend keeps falling for this sort of thing. She befriended a woman who hurt her badly (and stalked me online rather scarily). My friend finally realised that this woman was deceitful and damaging, and cut off ties. But by then, the woman had inveigled herself in to other friendships and family relationships, and used her knowledge to sabotage my friend's relationships with these people. The woman eventually left town (one step in front of the lynch mob). But even to this day, occasionally my friend will repeat a story to me as fact, that doesn't ring true. "Where did you hear that?" I ask, and she tells me it was her former psychotic friend. And again I have to remind her, "And you still believe that story when you know how much that woman lied about everything? Including lying to others about you?"

    My friend does a double-take, shakes herself and says, "Of course. I had forgotten." But sometimes it is difficult to go back and identify where you heard this story or that tale, and work out after the liar is gone, where truth really lies. Meanwhile my friend has acted on some of this misinformation, burning her bridges of friendship permanently in some cases.

    It's been ten years now since this woman spun her lies, and still my friend is trying to sort out the pieces.