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Both sons in prison/baby mama arrested
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<blockquote data-quote="tishthedish" data-source="post: 659794" data-attributes="member: 17103"><p>I have been so dreading writing this as I am still feeling like a raw nerve. Grandson has been with us full time since 6/7 and I am exhausted beyond measure. Because of his special needs, this is not a rote repeat of parenting a 4 year old.</p><p></p><p>For instance, he only wants to go in our front door because that's what door he always came into when he and his dad came to visit. He would be peeking in the window and ringing the doorbell. husband and I would make a big deal of answering and seeing him with "Hi's" and hugs. Well, even now when he comes home with either of us to an empty house he wants to go in that door. It is double bolted from the inside because he is an escape artist. It cannot be opened with just a key. If both of us are with him, one of us has to run into the house through the garage and answer that door. Yesterday I was with him alone and he went to the favored door. I couldn't leave him alone on the front step to run into the house as he could run into the street or into the lake behind our house. He is too fast for me to catch. At school his teachers and aide call him "the Flash". He refused to budge after my gentle and then stern cajoling. He threw himself on the ground, kicked, pinched and bit me hard enough to bring tears to my eyes. He is a big boy...almost 50lbs. I finally was able to lift him and get him to the garage door. My goodness, stuff like this is happening all the time, in the parking lot at the daycare, in the parking lot at the grocery store. MY BODY IS KILLING ME. I hurt all over. And then my heart hurts for him. He is an innocent and doesn't understand what is happening or why. He's in meltdown mode and I'm wrestling with a tiger and usually simultaneously having a hot flash. This is not my 35 year old self raising 2 rambunctious boys. I could do that with one hand tied behind my back. No, at 58, this is a different experience altogether.</p><p></p><p>He is doing well at school, but is raising hell at daycare. He scratched a little girl yesterday. We have upped his medication through his pediatric neurologist just last week but to no avail. I am on the phone to Dr.s' offices and pharmacies a lot. This is the last daycare in the school district that he hasn't been bounced from yet. We will work hard to make this work. We so need this service.</p><p></p><p>He is medicated to help him sleep and wets the bed at night. We double diaper him and I bought him what I call "astronaut diapers" a super absorbent specialized brand for bedridden, handicapped children and adults. Even they don't hold him. I am doing laundry constantly. All the jammies, all the bedding, all the blankets and pillows. Anything that touches him as he moves around the twin bed that husband attached to the end of our king for him to sleep in and our king bed that he sometimes squirms into during the night. He is unable to sleep in a room alone. He tears down curtains and breaks closet doors and climbs dressers. We lock ourselves into our stripped-down room with him at night.</p><p></p><p>I don't know what my son was contending with, something similar I suppose, but he was numbing himself with liquor. I don't have that proclivity and just am raw with fatigue, sadness and anger. And then GS is sleeping and I am overcome with love and a resolve to protect him forever. And then I realize I can't. Difficult Child 2 has joined AA. He seems to like it/appreciate it, but that could be a show for my benefit. I am too tired to parse it.</p><p></p><p>We have had a parade of DCFS workers calling, sending reams of forms to fill out and coming through the house. There is no end in sight as they are going to hand off the case to an agency that has a higher level of services for our GS's special needs.</p><p></p><p>So remember I said we would foster him up to one year? According to what I read, his parents have up to 9 months to get their sh#t together. If they don't, then at that time he goes to permanent foster or adoption. Here's the catch, husband talks like we are keeping him forever...like his special needs will evaporate in the sunshine of our love and we will be going through all the regular accomplishments and milestones with him as he ages. Like we did with our own Difficult Child's. That worked out so well. That scenario is so unrealistic. And I had just started to taste the nectar of freedom from the FOG of raising and finally releasing to my higher power and the universe my 2 Difficult Child's.</p><p></p><p>husband and I have been married 34 years, but if it comes down to me living with both of them or me living without both of them the latter wins.</p><p></p><p>I never told you this, and it might be edited out by the moderators (I understand if it is) but I had a terrible incident when I was in the depths of despair. Both sons were symptomatic and sucking the very life out of me and when I told husband that I could feel the world folding in on me and I felt the need to get out of there, to get away from home, not for fun or a vacation but for survival, he said, "I'm sick of this. I am just going to take half my money and leave you." In all our years together, we have never threatened that or said the word divorce. We both were from FOO homes that were rife with anger, fights and bitter words. That comment broke something in me and I reacted impulsively. My next conscious moment was when I woke up in the hospital on life support. husband was in tears at my side. I had just wanted the pain to stop, there was just so much pain. When I came to my senses, I swore to myself and my God that I would never let anyone break me down to that level again. There has been a lot of rebuilding since then. Thanks to my therapist, my parish priest, my forgiving God, Al-Anon and myself. husband is scaring me now as he seems to be dismissive of my insistence that we cannot raise our GS. Maybe I should say I cannot. I will not. I don't know what is going to happen. If his parents don't get better what am I going to be faced with? If I refuse to continue this journey, will my marriage survive? If it does, will my husband resent me for not making this sacrifice? If necessary I will leave them all, and not by the methods I had employed before. I will take half of everything (or more damn it, for combat pay) and go live a peaceful existence out of this crazy hurricane of a household. Just thinking about this overwhelms me. So I am STOPPING NOW to focus on today.</p><p></p><p>Ok. That's the long, long update I was putting off. The good news is I won't have to rewrite it if I decide to include it in a novel. Lord knows I have the material. If it comes to pass, I will put in the acknowledgments a thanks to the CD Warrior Moms and the Kilted Jabber. Over and out.</p><p></p><p>p.s.</p><p>DC1 is still in prison. His parole hearing was delayed and he has called a couple of times. He sounds good. Back on medications. World of difference.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="tishthedish, post: 659794, member: 17103"] I have been so dreading writing this as I am still feeling like a raw nerve. Grandson has been with us full time since 6/7 and I am exhausted beyond measure. Because of his special needs, this is not a rote repeat of parenting a 4 year old. For instance, he only wants to go in our front door because that's what door he always came into when he and his dad came to visit. He would be peeking in the window and ringing the doorbell. husband and I would make a big deal of answering and seeing him with "Hi's" and hugs. Well, even now when he comes home with either of us to an empty house he wants to go in that door. It is double bolted from the inside because he is an escape artist. It cannot be opened with just a key. If both of us are with him, one of us has to run into the house through the garage and answer that door. Yesterday I was with him alone and he went to the favored door. I couldn't leave him alone on the front step to run into the house as he could run into the street or into the lake behind our house. He is too fast for me to catch. At school his teachers and aide call him "the Flash". He refused to budge after my gentle and then stern cajoling. He threw himself on the ground, kicked, pinched and bit me hard enough to bring tears to my eyes. He is a big boy...almost 50lbs. I finally was able to lift him and get him to the garage door. My goodness, stuff like this is happening all the time, in the parking lot at the daycare, in the parking lot at the grocery store. MY BODY IS KILLING ME. I hurt all over. And then my heart hurts for him. He is an innocent and doesn't understand what is happening or why. He's in meltdown mode and I'm wrestling with a tiger and usually simultaneously having a hot flash. This is not my 35 year old self raising 2 rambunctious boys. I could do that with one hand tied behind my back. No, at 58, this is a different experience altogether. He is doing well at school, but is raising hell at daycare. He scratched a little girl yesterday. We have upped his medication through his pediatric neurologist just last week but to no avail. I am on the phone to Dr.s' offices and pharmacies a lot. This is the last daycare in the school district that he hasn't been bounced from yet. We will work hard to make this work. We so need this service. He is medicated to help him sleep and wets the bed at night. We double diaper him and I bought him what I call "astronaut diapers" a super absorbent specialized brand for bedridden, handicapped children and adults. Even they don't hold him. I am doing laundry constantly. All the jammies, all the bedding, all the blankets and pillows. Anything that touches him as he moves around the twin bed that husband attached to the end of our king for him to sleep in and our king bed that he sometimes squirms into during the night. He is unable to sleep in a room alone. He tears down curtains and breaks closet doors and climbs dressers. We lock ourselves into our stripped-down room with him at night. I don't know what my son was contending with, something similar I suppose, but he was numbing himself with liquor. I don't have that proclivity and just am raw with fatigue, sadness and anger. And then GS is sleeping and I am overcome with love and a resolve to protect him forever. And then I realize I can't. Difficult Child 2 has joined AA. He seems to like it/appreciate it, but that could be a show for my benefit. I am too tired to parse it. We have had a parade of DCFS workers calling, sending reams of forms to fill out and coming through the house. There is no end in sight as they are going to hand off the case to an agency that has a higher level of services for our GS's special needs. So remember I said we would foster him up to one year? According to what I read, his parents have up to 9 months to get their sh#t together. If they don't, then at that time he goes to permanent foster or adoption. Here's the catch, husband talks like we are keeping him forever...like his special needs will evaporate in the sunshine of our love and we will be going through all the regular accomplishments and milestones with him as he ages. Like we did with our own Difficult Child's. That worked out so well. That scenario is so unrealistic. And I had just started to taste the nectar of freedom from the FOG of raising and finally releasing to my higher power and the universe my 2 Difficult Child's. husband and I have been married 34 years, but if it comes down to me living with both of them or me living without both of them the latter wins. I never told you this, and it might be edited out by the moderators (I understand if it is) but I had a terrible incident when I was in the depths of despair. Both sons were symptomatic and sucking the very life out of me and when I told husband that I could feel the world folding in on me and I felt the need to get out of there, to get away from home, not for fun or a vacation but for survival, he said, "I'm sick of this. I am just going to take half my money and leave you." In all our years together, we have never threatened that or said the word divorce. We both were from FOO homes that were rife with anger, fights and bitter words. That comment broke something in me and I reacted impulsively. My next conscious moment was when I woke up in the hospital on life support. husband was in tears at my side. I had just wanted the pain to stop, there was just so much pain. When I came to my senses, I swore to myself and my God that I would never let anyone break me down to that level again. There has been a lot of rebuilding since then. Thanks to my therapist, my parish priest, my forgiving God, Al-Anon and myself. husband is scaring me now as he seems to be dismissive of my insistence that we cannot raise our GS. Maybe I should say I cannot. I will not. I don't know what is going to happen. If his parents don't get better what am I going to be faced with? If I refuse to continue this journey, will my marriage survive? If it does, will my husband resent me for not making this sacrifice? If necessary I will leave them all, and not by the methods I had employed before. I will take half of everything (or more damn it, for combat pay) and go live a peaceful existence out of this crazy hurricane of a household. Just thinking about this overwhelms me. So I am STOPPING NOW to focus on today. Ok. That's the long, long update I was putting off. The good news is I won't have to rewrite it if I decide to include it in a novel. Lord knows I have the material. If it comes to pass, I will put in the acknowledgments a thanks to the CD Warrior Moms and the Kilted Jabber. Over and out. p.s. DC1 is still in prison. His parole hearing was delayed and he has called a couple of times. He sounds good. Back on medications. World of difference. [/QUOTE]
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