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Substance Abuse
Boundaries/Detachment, etc. Need advice for a friend
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 422820"><p>OK I will see if I can give some thoughts on this.... she is enabling both of her kids big time... as adults it is time for them to live their own lives and figure out a way to be self supporting rather than depending on mom. I think it is really hard to stop enabling your kids because as we have said elsewhere it is really hard to see your kids hurting and we so much want to help them. </p><p></p><p>Yet often "helping" them just leads them to not helping themselves. So the real question to ask her is what is her goal in financially supporting her kids. What does she want for them and is what she is doing really going to help them get there? If the answer is no then she needs to do something differently.</p><p></p><p>As far as boundaries I think they work best when they are boundaries around yourself and what you will put up with, rather than an attempt to control someone elses behavior. So I think requiing an adult child to go to AA or therapy is an attempt to control what they do (albeit with good intentions). That adult child needs to decide for themselves that they are going to do this. However I think it is totally reasonable for her to reqire that no drugs be in the house or around the house, or that he not be in the house if he is high or drunk. Especially with grandchildren involved as this affects them. And drugs in her home, or him being drunk in her home directly affects her.</p><p></p><p>It is a hard line to decide upon and I am not sure I have done it very well myself. My son sees me as very controlling and to some extent he is right.... what I have figured out is that doesn't work at least not any more. It works much better if I just set limits on those things that affect me diectly.</p><p></p><p>Of course take all of this with a grain of salt because I do not have it all figured out and my 19 year old son is a mess.....or I think he is anyways but at least he is not living at home.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 422820"] OK I will see if I can give some thoughts on this.... she is enabling both of her kids big time... as adults it is time for them to live their own lives and figure out a way to be self supporting rather than depending on mom. I think it is really hard to stop enabling your kids because as we have said elsewhere it is really hard to see your kids hurting and we so much want to help them. Yet often "helping" them just leads them to not helping themselves. So the real question to ask her is what is her goal in financially supporting her kids. What does she want for them and is what she is doing really going to help them get there? If the answer is no then she needs to do something differently. As far as boundaries I think they work best when they are boundaries around yourself and what you will put up with, rather than an attempt to control someone elses behavior. So I think requiing an adult child to go to AA or therapy is an attempt to control what they do (albeit with good intentions). That adult child needs to decide for themselves that they are going to do this. However I think it is totally reasonable for her to reqire that no drugs be in the house or around the house, or that he not be in the house if he is high or drunk. Especially with grandchildren involved as this affects them. And drugs in her home, or him being drunk in her home directly affects her. It is a hard line to decide upon and I am not sure I have done it very well myself. My son sees me as very controlling and to some extent he is right.... what I have figured out is that doesn't work at least not any more. It works much better if I just set limits on those things that affect me diectly. Of course take all of this with a grain of salt because I do not have it all figured out and my 19 year old son is a mess.....or I think he is anyways but at least he is not living at home. [/QUOTE]
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