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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 634484" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hon...I know what you mean. You have to understand that detaching does not mean stop loving. I have a son we adopted from another country at age six and he left the family about seven years ago and I know for a fact I will never see him again or see his children (long story). In my heart, I still love him, even though I will never see him again. I hate what he has done to us and how he has behaved, but I still love him. I know it's not his fault that he was yanked from his country at age six and expected to know how to fit into a family and to love us. I know he can't, but I still love him, if I let myself dwell on it. I can become very sad.</p><p></p><p>It's not that we don't love them. Even at their worst, we love them, even when we don't like them. But often we can't have a relationship that is in any way normal with them. We don't choose it to be that way...they do by their behavior and then we have to decide if it is worth it to give them our life's blood and indeed have no life at all because we allow them to abuse us or pull us into their drama that they chose to involved themselves in. Love isn't the issue. It's survival and our own happiness. Most of us have other loved ones who get neglected because our difficult child suscks all the air out of our world and we have to decide if that's fair. Also, we have to decide if giving everything over to them, and neglecting ourselves, is ok with us. Most on this forum decided, after lots of thinking and experience, that we can't help our difficult children so we may as well fix ourselves, which we have control over. And we can chose to be happy.</p><p></p><p>That doesn't mean we don't have sad moments. When I think too hard about the son who left us, I remember the brilliant, toothless little eight year old who always wore a smile and lit up my world. He is my one child...a child who really isn't my child because he doesn't want to be...that can bring me to tears if I allow it. But I have a husband, four other adult children, two grandchildren and a very nice husband. I also have myself. I have to stay strong, healthy and happy for all of them and for myself too. It won't change a thing if I dwell on this one adult child. So I choose not to do it.</p><p></p><p>I love my 36 year old too, although he has been a problem since very early in his life. Even when I wish he'd just disappear for a while, I still love him. But sometimes I detach from him. And he can't live with us anymore. Ever. But it isn't because we don't love him.</p><p></p><p>It is very confusing, especially to newcomers, I'm sure, but detaching doesn't mean we stop loving them. It just means we don't buy into the drama, enable bad behavior, have unrealistic expectations...and we decide not to lay down our lives for them. We all did our best and we all deserve to have great rest-of-our-lives. To do so we often have to detach. But we still love them.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 634484, member: 1550"] Hon...I know what you mean. You have to understand that detaching does not mean stop loving. I have a son we adopted from another country at age six and he left the family about seven years ago and I know for a fact I will never see him again or see his children (long story). In my heart, I still love him, even though I will never see him again. I hate what he has done to us and how he has behaved, but I still love him. I know it's not his fault that he was yanked from his country at age six and expected to know how to fit into a family and to love us. I know he can't, but I still love him, if I let myself dwell on it. I can become very sad. It's not that we don't love them. Even at their worst, we love them, even when we don't like them. But often we can't have a relationship that is in any way normal with them. We don't choose it to be that way...they do by their behavior and then we have to decide if it is worth it to give them our life's blood and indeed have no life at all because we allow them to abuse us or pull us into their drama that they chose to involved themselves in. Love isn't the issue. It's survival and our own happiness. Most of us have other loved ones who get neglected because our difficult child suscks all the air out of our world and we have to decide if that's fair. Also, we have to decide if giving everything over to them, and neglecting ourselves, is ok with us. Most on this forum decided, after lots of thinking and experience, that we can't help our difficult children so we may as well fix ourselves, which we have control over. And we can chose to be happy. That doesn't mean we don't have sad moments. When I think too hard about the son who left us, I remember the brilliant, toothless little eight year old who always wore a smile and lit up my world. He is my one child...a child who really isn't my child because he doesn't want to be...that can bring me to tears if I allow it. But I have a husband, four other adult children, two grandchildren and a very nice husband. I also have myself. I have to stay strong, healthy and happy for all of them and for myself too. It won't change a thing if I dwell on this one adult child. So I choose not to do it. I love my 36 year old too, although he has been a problem since very early in his life. Even when I wish he'd just disappear for a while, I still love him. But sometimes I detach from him. And he can't live with us anymore. Ever. But it isn't because we don't love him. It is very confusing, especially to newcomers, I'm sure, but detaching doesn't mean we stop loving them. It just means we don't buy into the drama, enable bad behavior, have unrealistic expectations...and we decide not to lay down our lives for them. We all did our best and we all deserve to have great rest-of-our-lives. To do so we often have to detach. But we still love them. [/QUOTE]
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