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<blockquote data-quote="mjhawks" data-source="post: 650667" data-attributes="member: 18841"><p>I recently realized that my reactions to DQ are Pavlovian. Meaning she could come to rely on my reaction and knew exactly how to provoke them. </p><p></p><p>I began to see a pattern with her. When she <strong>didn't get what she wanted</strong>, she would chose the next best thing. A fight with me. Not physical, but badgering, screaming, name calling and so on. This article is correct, she views people for what they can do for her. And she could count on me to react to certain things, and as is natural, want to defend myself. Or worse, trying to get her to see a logical way of thinking. </p><p></p><p>When I realized I could not get her to see reason, I stopped trying to convince her. It was a waste of my energy. I've taken it further the past couple of weeks. When she asks a question, I give her my answer, yes or no. If I'm feeling generous, I'll give a brief reason why, but usually not. And I leave it at that. If she badgers me, I'll restate my answer, tell her it's the end of the discussion and walk away. I do not respond to anything she says after that. I listen to it, looking for keywords, like I'm leaving, cutting or a threat. But I act as though I don't have a care in the world, and nothing she says affects me. </p><p></p><p>DQ is most definitely not happy with this change. She would love nothing more than to fight. It took me a long time to understand that she isn't airing grievances. She IS trying to feed her own anger by fighting. This change has not solved any of our problems, and in fact probably made them worse. But there is a peace in giving myself permission not to fight back. I don't own her any explanations. I don't have to defend my choices. And it has taken a burden off of my shoulders. I no longer waste precious energy going back and forth with her.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="mjhawks, post: 650667, member: 18841"] I recently realized that my reactions to DQ are Pavlovian. Meaning she could come to rely on my reaction and knew exactly how to provoke them. I began to see a pattern with her. When she [B]didn't get what she wanted[/B], she would chose the next best thing. A fight with me. Not physical, but badgering, screaming, name calling and so on. This article is correct, she views people for what they can do for her. And she could count on me to react to certain things, and as is natural, want to defend myself. Or worse, trying to get her to see a logical way of thinking. When I realized I could not get her to see reason, I stopped trying to convince her. It was a waste of my energy. I've taken it further the past couple of weeks. When she asks a question, I give her my answer, yes or no. If I'm feeling generous, I'll give a brief reason why, but usually not. And I leave it at that. If she badgers me, I'll restate my answer, tell her it's the end of the discussion and walk away. I do not respond to anything she says after that. I listen to it, looking for keywords, like I'm leaving, cutting or a threat. But I act as though I don't have a care in the world, and nothing she says affects me. DQ is most definitely not happy with this change. She would love nothing more than to fight. It took me a long time to understand that she isn't airing grievances. She IS trying to feed her own anger by fighting. This change has not solved any of our problems, and in fact probably made them worse. But there is a peace in giving myself permission not to fight back. I don't own her any explanations. I don't have to defend my choices. And it has taken a burden off of my shoulders. I no longer waste precious energy going back and forth with her. [/QUOTE]
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