bout to lose my mind

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by cassidy, Jan 24, 2010.

  1. cassidy

    cassidy New Member

    i have a 5 year old son that is in kindergarden. he is always telling me he hates me when i get on to him for something he has done. he will not listen to me when i tell him to do anything. he almost always says NO, i dont have to. or he tries to bargain with me by saying something like "if you dont make me i will be good". when he gets really mad he will throw toys or whatever he has within his reach. he will scream at me and alot of times he will clench his teeth and growl. its kinda scary. when i spank or something, it does not seem to phase him one bit. he just goes right back to doing what he got in trouble for. eventually i just give up because it becomes so exhausting. he does very sporatic things. for instance: he was a at birthday party sitting there being very good, when all of a sudden he gets up and walks up to the birthday boy and takes his card out of his hands and goes and throws it in a mud puddle. i asked myself why on earth would he do something crazy like that. and i can not find an answer. sometimes it gets to be so much between the both of my kids and i feel like i just may very well lose my mind if thangs do not change. if someone could help me with some ideas/tips on what to do. i would greatly and forever be thankful.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi, there. Welcome to the board.

    Actually, you help you out, we need a lot more information. I have a few questions that will help us help you. We really have so little to go by.

    1/Has this child ever been evaluated at all or by a neuropsychologist?

    2/Is your child getting any interventions? What is the family makeup? Is there any psychiatric problems or substance abuse on either side of the genetic family tree (including bio. Dad even if he doesn't see the child).

    3/How was your son's early development? Did he always make strong eye contact with you and strangers? Did he talk on time? Any strange quirks? Does he know how to socialize appropriately with his same age peers. Does he seem clueless about life? Does he have any strange repetitious movements?

    You may want to do a signature like I did below. It gives us an overview and helps us. Tell us more about the behavior that worries you and how long it has occurred.
  3. Autismkids

    Autismkids Member

    Cassidy- My son's recent behavior tactic is giving ME 2 choices on something. "Can I play wii sports, or indiana jones?" I'll tell him no, and he'll say "no is not a choice!" It usually ends in a fit.
  4. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    If the issue is at all linked to autism (and don't panic at the thought of that possibility - it can be GOOD news) then you could well be observing your child's behaviour having been modelled (possibly inexpertly) on your own behaviour toward him. These kids often treat everybody the way they are treated. So if you are a teacher who uses sarcasm, for example, you will find your Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) student trying (and possibly failing) to use the same techniques back. So if you tend to shout at your kids, they will shout back at you (often using the same phrases). If you use pressure and choices, they will do the same to you. When your child says to you, "If you're a good Mummy, I will go to bed tonnight when I am told," you can hear the child using your own phrases.

    Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids especially do this, because they are really bad at modelling their behaviour on other kids. They don't learn by being told, so much as by observing. So you can say to the child, "Don't hit other children, it is wrong to do so," but if the child himself experiences other kids hitting him (especially if they get away with it) then what the child actually LEARNS is not "Don't hit other children, it is wrong," but instead, "Other children can hit me, that is socially acceptable. But if I hit them back I will be caught and get into trouble."

    These kids may seem very bright and so people often don't credit these difficulties. But there is a big difference between a bright child who can recite the alphabet at 2 and who can wire up an electric circuit at 4 years old, and the child who just doesn't understand that when the teacher says it's time to sit down and listen, that it is what he has to try to do.

    A Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kid (for example) will need to have the right behaviour modelled for him as well as be frequently rehearsed with it. He also needs to NOT have the WRONG behaviour modelled for him because tat confuses him. Unfortunately, we are generally surrounded by all sorts of behaviours.

    A child who models his behaviour on the parent will resemble a miniature authority figure and also will not necessarily understand the 'place' of child vs adult. That's when you hear the child say, hands on hips, "Because I said so!"

    They see that this works for you; so why shouldn't it work for them?

    I don't know why your son took the card from the birthday boy and threw it in the puddle. Maybe he was trying to instigate a game. Maybe he wanted the boy's attention. Maybe he was frustrated at the boy being the centre of attention, and all that attention seemed to connect to the presence of those birthday cards. What did your son say when you asked him? What was his mood when he did this? Before? After?

    Keep this sort of thing diarised, it is important both now, and in years to come. It also helps in years to come, for you to realise how far he has come. You need it to buck up your spirits.

    Sorry you need us, but glad you are here. Welcome.