Boy Question--No Parenting Experience Here....

[emotionallybankrupt]

I'd like to know if you think it's "ok" for circumcision to be sort of "overlooked," "forgotten," or whatever before the child leaves the hospital. I never had a boy, but my initial reaction is anger and feeling so sorry for this little 3 month old boy, who had to go in for an office procedure just because they never got around to it the week he was born. I'm thinking if he's well enough to leave the hospital, he's well enough to have that handled before he leaves. I'm also thinking the DAD, of all people, should have thought about it and asked quesions. Maybe even insisted. He, after all, has the equipment to relate. It seems to have been handled with the casual attitude of a forgotten toothbrush.

Am I off? Is this not the cruelty and stupidity I'm imagining?

 

[JJJ]

Why does he need to be circumcised? That is a 100% optional medical procedure with no proven health benefits. It is odd that the parents forgot to have it done but then wanted it enough to have it done at 3 months. But it is a painful procedure whenever it is done.

(My sons' birthmoms chose and I have 1 boy 'cut' and 1 boy 'au natural' - really no difference other than looks.)

 

[emotionallybankrupt]

Yes, JJJ, I did know that the official opinion is that the procedure is not medically necessary. The only reason at all I have for an opinion on whether it should or should not be done (as, again, I have no experience in parenting a boy), is that I did at one time date a guy who had NOT been. He talked about how he had felt so uncomfortable his whole life about that--being "different" in the locker room, etc. He was actually considering having that procedure done as a 20-something year old, and he had a lot of anger toward his parents for not having that done for him when he was born. However, I know that times have changed, and more and more boys are not having the procedure. However, I'm sure my opinion would have been irrelevant on whether the procedure be done. I don't think there was ever a doubt that they were going to do it, but I do have a problem with the concept of it being simply forgotten at the time.

I am still thinking that if it's going to be done, it should be done immediately. But I also wondered if that opinion is due to misinformation or lack of information on my part. I also know that what's done is done, and my anger is unproductive. Still it takes me time to "simmer down."

 

[Mamaof5]

53% of American boys are not circ'ed. There is only a 25% circ rate in Canada. Circ is like FGM, it is wrong. There is no medical reason what so ever, it is deemed a cosmetic surgery by the AAP and CDC.

In my opinion, it should be completely banned as female genital mutilation is. I have three boys, thought never, ever crossed my mind to mess with a body part that was functional and not mine. I feel very strongly about it. nocirc.org has some really good info if you want to explore this topic more.

 

[Andy]

I don't think this post is opened as a question of how we feel about cicumcision. It is a post regarding how that option was given. The parents were not even asked if they wanted it done or not.

The hospital nurses must ALWAYS ask if the parents would like their son circumcised before leaving the hospital. I would think a letter is called for to charge nurse of the hospital. When the nurses don't even give the option to say "yes" or "no" my first impression is that they are trying to cut corners. They are too busy to add this one task to their overwhelming list of duties. Wonder how many baby boys are leaving that hospital without the option their parents would like to make?

I am glad you found out somehow about this lack of choice. If I was a parent who wanted this done and NOONE ever told me it was not then I would be upset.

I would also keep close attention to your hospital bill to be sure you are not charged with something that could be automatically placed on the bill just because you had a boy.

You are right to be upset that the nurses did not inform you of your rights in this situation. However, be relieved that you did figure it out soon after the baby went home. Don't be too upset with Dad - new dad's don't always think of the medical details either. This is strictly the nurses' responsibility.

 

[susiestar]

Was this you child or a friend or ??? Are you SURE that it was "forgotten" or could it be that the family is saying that to avoid pressure one way or the other? Sometimes there are REASONS why a baby is not circumcised even if a parent has asked for it. I know of one boy who was to be circumcised for religious reasons but couldn't be because there was a problem When the child was a bit older some reconstruction was needed which was why things were left alone.

You may not be getting the entire story or there might not have been a doctor available to do the procedure at the hospital.

 

[klmno]

I have a boy. I was asked by my dr half way thru my pregnancy (as soon as we knew it was a boy) if I wanted him circumsised. I asked why he needed to know so soon and he told me that he had to know a few months before the baby was born in order to get the paperwork that would make sure the appropriate person would arrive at the hospital upon difficult child's birth to perform it, should I choose to have it done. I have no idea what type of professional does them. I asked the dr his opinion and he said he was NOT going to give it to me. He just explained about it being a parent's choice, it is not medically necessary but pertains to religious beliefs, preference, beliefs about cleanliness, etc. Anyway, this is the ONLY decision I could get difficult child's father to make because I flat out refused to make it. LOL!

It sounds like several things could have caused the ball to be dropped in this case- the dr didn't ask during the pregnancy, the parents maybe didn't know they were having a boy, the paperwork didn't go thru to have the prof at the hospital, the parents didn't get their decision back to the dr maybe thinking they had plenty of time to decide, etc. I also wonder if the parents changed their minds and don't want to admit it. (I don't know who they are or how well you know them.)

If it was me and this happened with my son, I would let it go and not have it done at all but as Andy pointed out, that wasn't the nature of the post.

 

[emotionallybankrupt]

These questions are in regard to my grandson, difficult child's son. She says that sometimes with newborns who have an NICU stay, this just "doesn't get done" before they leave the hosptal. As if nobody thinks of it. Like what Andy said. I think that's a poor excuse and that the youth of difficult child and her hubby played a role. They aren't primed to be as assertive as I would be. I do not think they ever intended for it just not to be done though. As for my opinion on whether to circumcise at all? I've never had a reason to research it and am quite sure my opinion would have been irrelevant anyway. I do wonder if the prevalence of the practice has anything to do with regional trends. I believe that most parents in my area choose the procedure.

 

[klmno]

Not to get into too much detail, but if the baby was a premie (thinking maybe that's why he was in NICU), there might have been a reason why it wasn't feasible to try the procedure then.

 

[JJJ]

Usually elective procedures are not offered to babies in NICU -- they are too busy saving lives to do cosmetic procedures. I have one cousin whose older two sons are circed but the youngest isn't because he had to spend time in NICU and my aunt did not see the point in putting him through an elective procedure months later when he had been through so much already.

This sounds like a NICU v regular nursery procedures difference.

 

[SRL]

Usually elective procedures are not offered to babies in NICU -- they are too busy saving lives to do cosmetic procedures. I have one cousin whose older two sons are circed but the youngest isn't because he had to spend time in NICU and my aunt did not see the point in putting him through an elective procedure months later when he had been through so much already.

This sounds like a NICU v regular nursery procedures difference.

I agree.

I know we always hurt when our babies are hurting, even for a short time. Heck, last week I clipped our bunny's nail too short and hurt her and it pained me.

Really the issue here is that things are going to happen with this grandson of yours that you aren't going to agree with, just as there probably were things you did with your kids that your parents and in laws didn't agree with. I know that's certainly true with us, and we were a lot older plus I had plenty of experience with young children by then. And honestly there have been times I've have made really big mistakes and kicked myself later. For the most part family have kept quiet when those times come, and I've really appreciated that. Although my mother in law did make a rare comment about something recently. I just blew it off by telling her that I'm sure all my kids would need therapy for the parenting mistakes I'd made in their childhood. ;-)

I guess I'd be outraged at my grown kids neglecting to attend to a serious medical issue in a grandchild, but not for an elective procedure.

 

[witzend]

husband is not. M is. husband and I seem to get along fine with his situation, if you know what I mean. There is a matter of teaching your son to properly cleanse himself when he is not circumcised, and husband was instructed by his pediatrician at some point. His mother would never have done so. I agree that it's a personal choice and I felt terrible doing it to M. In those days, it was what was done most of the time and we didn't want him to feel odd. But today, at 53%, half the people in his class that a boy will be in the gym shower with will be just like him, so I wouldn't let that influence my decision.

 

[emotionallybankrupt]

In his case, I don't believe there was any medical reason to wait. He wasn't the stereotypical fragile premie. He was early, but was 6 lbs. and able to go home within the week. I do "get it," however, that NICU staff would not be putting a procedure like this at the top of the priority list. I think the two mistakes made were (1) that difficult child and hubby did not get a regular pediatrician until about a month ago and that (2) the choice of circumcision wasn't even mentioned by anybody before discharge.

The point is well taken, though, that this is not my child and these are not my decisions. Unnecessary trauma is still going to bring a rise out of me, and I think the way this was handled brought unnecessary pain. difficult child's history of irresponsibility, etc. doesn't help my perspective any. I have no faith in her likelihood to make wise parenting decisions. BUT, I'm venting here, not to her.

 

[slsh]

The difference may have been if the baby was discharged directly from NICU. When Boo was born, he was in NICU for a couple months, then stepped down to the regular nursery for about a week before he came home. They did offer circ while he was in reg. nursery. It's probably 6 one, half-dozen the other as far as when they actually do the procedure. I never intended for any of my boys to be circ'd but due to life circumstances, both Boo and difficult child got circ'd when they were older. Since they had other surgeries at the same time, I think the circ was kinda the least of their problem in terms of discomfort.

 

[GoingNorth]

husband was circed due to religious reasons (He, like me, was raised Jewish). He resented the heck out of it, especially when he had to have surgery in his Army years to correct a "bent" penis that was due to his being poorly cut and and the subsequent formation of tight scar tissue. Basically, he had to be re-circ'ed and it's a painful surgery in an adult male.

I would add that husband was not done at birth by a urologist. He was cut in the kitchen of his family's home, by a 'Mohel" (ritual circumciser), at 8 days of age.

No anesthetics were used, an uncle had the "honor" of holding him during the procedure (I'm not sure of the Hebrew for this, but the man who presents the child to the Mohel is named as a sort of "godfather" at the same time as the baby boy gets his religious name.

In later years, only ultra orthodox Jews still use non-medically trained mohels. Male converts in most branches under go a ritual "blood drawing" ritual where the foreskin is nicked just enough to draw blood.

 

[JJJ]

Unnecessary trauma is still going to bring a rise out of me, and I think the way this was handled brought unnecessary pain.

The trauma and pain aren't much different in a newborn and an infant.

 

[AnnieO]

I have to say - both that: 1. As an opinion, husband believes it makes a difference, father in law had to have it done in his late 50s, and BM tried to have Jett done at age 6 - because she said it was getting infected. Court stopped that, and come to find out she hadn't taught him to clean properly. 2. Honestly, the child won't remember it when they're older. Much past 18-24 months? Then it becomes in issue.

It really does sound like they were more interested in him being healthy, first. And my question is - after a stay in NICU - why did it take more than a month to find a pediatrician?! The heck with the circumcision!

 

[emotionallybankrupt]

And my question is - after a stay in NICU - why did it take more than a month to find a pediatrician?! The heck with the circumcision!

Yes, I was very angry with difficult child for that. She made several trips to the ER for this or that, but yet she couldn't get straight on her priority list that she needed a pediatrician now, not later. This pattern has a lot to do with my anger, I'm sure. I'm already primed to doubt her judgment.

You have all helped me put the circumcision issue in better perspective. Heck, after Going North's description, I have to be thankful!

 

[GoingNorth]

Yeah, on an uncle's lap on a kitchen chair? Nothing like clean, sanitary circumstances. husband had no memory of the actual original circ, but over time the scarring caused him to have problems both urinating and in "intimate" moments.

They did the procedure at the military hospital in West Germany, under a local anesthetic, but he was a sore camper for several days after.

 

[witzend]

GN - You're killing me here, and I'm a girl...