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Boyfriend stood her up/she got high again/I hate my life!!!
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 187642" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Bran, you need to take control back. She is being disruptive and is out of control. To come in at 1 am and make a lot of noise - she MAY have been simply not thinking, but she needed a short, clear reminder to be quiet because other people in the house need consideration.</p><p></p><p>It's YOUR home. You are entitled to set the rules AND enforce them. This shouldn't require you to raise your voice - you need to keep your own volume down. If she gets noisy and aggressive - that's her. YOU need to be able to say, in clear conscience, "I did not raise my voice. I did not use bad language. I have not been inappropriate. THEREFORE only ONE person here has done the wrong thing. And THAT person is not the person who makes the rules here."</p><p></p><p>House rules - these are vital. If her/your aim is for her to move out as soon as she's 18, then she needs to be working towards this in terms of basic skills. Those basic skills involve learning to live communally with other people. It doesn't matter whether she's going to live under a bridge somewhere, or sharing a dorm in college - she is going to have to get on with people. This boy who stood her up - why did he do this? Was he reacting to her poor social skills and dumping her? If so, she hasn't got the message to clean up her act - far from it.</p><p></p><p>We found that at a certain age (it varies form kid to kid) we had to change how we 'got on' with them, from "you are my child, you do what you're told" to "we live in the same space, we will show consideration of each other and cooperation to manage our living spaces as a team." This not only made a big difference in how we all got on, it also gave them some advance skills tat they turned out to desperately need when they left home. Sure, they still had a lot to learn and made a lot of mistakes. But because they had already learned SOME things, it wasn't such a rude awakening.</p><p>And while there is some quiet but vicious satisfaction in seeing our child (who never learnt consideration in the bathroom and who would ALWAYS spend 90 minutes in there, washing her hair, shaving her legs, having a luxurious bath and using ALL the hot water in a very large tank) having to deal with a very small quick recovery hot water tank that is empty after one ten minute shower, I am very glad she has at least got SOME skills and isn't going to get evicted within six weeks. Because if she gets evicted, she will want to move back home! Noooooo!!!!</p><p></p><p>Our house rules apply equally to everyone unless otherwise specified. The stuff inside square brackets [...] is to clarify for you, here. If you choose to use these, do not print out the stuff in square brackets.</p><p></p><p>1) You must let others know where you are going and when you will be home. You should also be contactable wherever possible. In other words, take your mobile phone and/or leave the phone number of where you will be.</p><p>[This applies to parents also - you leave your work number, or the number of the friend's place you are going to. You tell the kids if you are going to the shops and when you expect to return. As you do this, they learn to expect it and it should also make it easier to require them to do likewise, since this goes way beyond 'checking up' on them.]</p><p></p><p>2) Always let the cook know whether you will be home for dinner. Preferably give at least 6 hours' notice. Also let the cook know if you want to bring anyone else home for dinner. The more notice you give, the easier it is to plan for it.</p><p></p><p>3) Share tasks like food preparation, shopping, other household chores. Alternatively, make mutually satisfactory arrangements with other house mates so that if one person does most of the cooking, for example, the other does most of the laundry. But everyone must be capable of all tasks.</p><p></p><p>4) Keep a shopping list. When something is opened, put it on the list. When you use something, put it on the list. Immediately. If you want something purchased for you, put it on the list but be prepared to have to pay for it yourself if you are the only person who is likely to use it.</p><p></p><p>5) Pay your board and bills on time. Failure to do so can result in eviction.</p><p></p><p>6) Keep personal possessions out of communal spaces. Keep communal spaces tidy.</p><p></p><p>7) Take turns cleaning communal areas such as bathrooms, vacuuming the floors, washing windows, dusting etc. [these can be done as a team to make it more enjoyable - put on some music and dance as you all work. If you're just breaking in this new concept, keep the work sessions short, stop before it becomes too onerous so you can finish on a good note.]</p><p></p><p>8) Respect other people's possessions and personal space.</p><p></p><p></p><p>There are probably things I've forgotten to list here, but all these rules are ones you need to follow, if you want to be someone people are prepared to live with. The people you may want to live with could be family, friends, total strangers who are looking for someone to help share expenses, a future life partner... and so on.</p><p></p><p>What I told my kids was this - to be a successful person in life, you need to be someone who people can at the very least, tolerate. If you are so unpleasant to be around that nobody wants to live with you, then not only will you always have to live alone (which is generally also more expensive) then you are likely to not even be able to find anywhere to live. And if you are so unpleasant to be around that you end up on the streets, you could find yourself not even being permitted to share the most squalid, flea-infested squat but instead constantly being moved on. Lonely, depressing, miserable - and nobody else to blame but yourself. So use the time now, while you still live under this roof, to gain the skills that will not only make you someone tolerable to live with but someone who could even be sought after as a good person to share accommodation with. And regardless of gender, being able to cook like Nigella Lawson could be a good start. Being able to pay your own bills promptly is also invaluable.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter is a very long way from this. It's quite likely that she is going to be very resistant to following any rules at all. But you need to find out just what rights you have so you can determine what leverage you can use.</p><p></p><p>Example of leverage - if she fails to let you know if she will be home for dinner, then don't cater for her. She will have to forage for herself when she gets home. Similarly, if she isn't home by curfew then call her, wherever she is, find out what other arrangements she has made. Allow a little leeway depending on how much goodwill she has stored up (if any) but be prepared to tell her that unless she has her own key and can let herself in quietly without disturbing anyone and can be trusted to lock the house up again after her, then she will have to stay somewhere overnight.</p><p></p><p>You will need to be consistent in enforcing the rules - consistent with everyone. Responsibilities and privileges can vary for individuals depending on how reliable and how community-minded that have shown themselves to be, but the rules MUST be followed.</p><p></p><p>It's your home. You are the ultimate person responsible for the overall management. In terms of a business, you're the CEO and she is a junior executive. You have to manage the administration of the business but she has to also do her part or she is out of a job. </p><p></p><p>The rules of course will have to also apply to husband and also easy child. Since easy child is probably too young to be expected to prepare an entire meal on his own, then you have to modify the rules accordingly, for him. He can help prepare the meal sometimes. He can help with laundry, sometimes. All house members help with the laundry to the extent of ensuring that they have put washing in the right place in the laundry, with pockets already emptied and stains soaped. Any mending needing to be done should be dealt with before the clothing is washed; so depending on the age and capability of the house member, they either mend it themselves or ask someone to help.</p><p></p><p>Quid pro quo - you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. If you want people to do you favours, you have to make it worth their while. So if you want your mother (or your sister) to patch your jeans, then you can do her a favour to help out. Peel the vegetables for dinner perhaps. Or feed the dog. Do the washing up (although everyone should be taking turns with that). Make an arrangement. Because while someone is spending time to help you, their other tasks are not getting done.</p><p></p><p>It pays the individual in so many ways, to work with someone in cooperation. If a boy wants to play games with his mother, but she is too busy, then if he helps her complete her tasks more quickly she may have more time to spend with him.</p><p></p><p>A kid who expects these 'treats' as a right, is a kid who has never got the message about the value of other people's time. If you want to be driven places, you need to earn the privilege. Nobody owes the kid the drive. She should never be able to bully you into driving her anywhere (I'm not saying she has ever succeeded - just using this as an example).</p><p></p><p>I've used the example before, of Aesop's fable of the competition between the sun and the wind. They are talking to each other about who is the strongest - the wind says that he is strongest because you can see the trees bend in the wind, leaves blow along the street and a gale can do a lot of visible damage. What force can the sun exert?</p><p>Then they see a man walking along the road. The wind declares, "Whoever can remove the coat form that man is the strongest of us!" </p><p>And the wind begins to blow. At first the man holds his coat tighter around him, but as the wind blows even more, the coat begins to flap. However, the man just gathers his coat around him even tighter, ties his belt tighter and bends lower into the wind. As the wind blows stronger, the man turns his coat collar up, tucks his chin in, bends over more and trudges determinedly. Finally the wind has to pause and take a break.</p><p>The sun takes a turn. The clouds part and the sun comes out, shining. Because the wind has stopped the man relaxes his grip on the coat, finally letting it fall open. The sun continues to shine - the man begins to sweat. Finally, really feeling the heat, the man takes off his coat. The sun declares himself the winner.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter needs to learn that force is not going to get her what she wants. She has to learn more appropriate ways to persuade people.</p><p></p><p>I have one last thought about the boyfriend standing her up - how do you know exactly what the status of this relationship is? Or what the arrangement was? Did the boyfriend tell you? Or did you only hear it from difficult child? Because it may be that she wasn't really stood up; he may have simply told her, "I'll try and meet up with you but I don't know if I'll be able to do this." Or it might have been difficult child saying to him, "I won't take no for an answer - I'll be waiting for you, I know you'll find a way to meet me."</p><p>If all you know about this guy is what difficult child has told you, I would be taking it with a grain of salt. Because your description of him in your other thread just doesn't sound like the kind of guy who would stand anyone up.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 187642, member: 1991"] Bran, you need to take control back. She is being disruptive and is out of control. To come in at 1 am and make a lot of noise - she MAY have been simply not thinking, but she needed a short, clear reminder to be quiet because other people in the house need consideration. It's YOUR home. You are entitled to set the rules AND enforce them. This shouldn't require you to raise your voice - you need to keep your own volume down. If she gets noisy and aggressive - that's her. YOU need to be able to say, in clear conscience, "I did not raise my voice. I did not use bad language. I have not been inappropriate. THEREFORE only ONE person here has done the wrong thing. And THAT person is not the person who makes the rules here." House rules - these are vital. If her/your aim is for her to move out as soon as she's 18, then she needs to be working towards this in terms of basic skills. Those basic skills involve learning to live communally with other people. It doesn't matter whether she's going to live under a bridge somewhere, or sharing a dorm in college - she is going to have to get on with people. This boy who stood her up - why did he do this? Was he reacting to her poor social skills and dumping her? If so, she hasn't got the message to clean up her act - far from it. We found that at a certain age (it varies form kid to kid) we had to change how we 'got on' with them, from "you are my child, you do what you're told" to "we live in the same space, we will show consideration of each other and cooperation to manage our living spaces as a team." This not only made a big difference in how we all got on, it also gave them some advance skills tat they turned out to desperately need when they left home. Sure, they still had a lot to learn and made a lot of mistakes. But because they had already learned SOME things, it wasn't such a rude awakening. And while there is some quiet but vicious satisfaction in seeing our child (who never learnt consideration in the bathroom and who would ALWAYS spend 90 minutes in there, washing her hair, shaving her legs, having a luxurious bath and using ALL the hot water in a very large tank) having to deal with a very small quick recovery hot water tank that is empty after one ten minute shower, I am very glad she has at least got SOME skills and isn't going to get evicted within six weeks. Because if she gets evicted, she will want to move back home! Noooooo!!!! Our house rules apply equally to everyone unless otherwise specified. The stuff inside square brackets [...] is to clarify for you, here. If you choose to use these, do not print out the stuff in square brackets. 1) You must let others know where you are going and when you will be home. You should also be contactable wherever possible. In other words, take your mobile phone and/or leave the phone number of where you will be. [This applies to parents also - you leave your work number, or the number of the friend's place you are going to. You tell the kids if you are going to the shops and when you expect to return. As you do this, they learn to expect it and it should also make it easier to require them to do likewise, since this goes way beyond 'checking up' on them.] 2) Always let the cook know whether you will be home for dinner. Preferably give at least 6 hours' notice. Also let the cook know if you want to bring anyone else home for dinner. The more notice you give, the easier it is to plan for it. 3) Share tasks like food preparation, shopping, other household chores. Alternatively, make mutually satisfactory arrangements with other house mates so that if one person does most of the cooking, for example, the other does most of the laundry. But everyone must be capable of all tasks. 4) Keep a shopping list. When something is opened, put it on the list. When you use something, put it on the list. Immediately. If you want something purchased for you, put it on the list but be prepared to have to pay for it yourself if you are the only person who is likely to use it. 5) Pay your board and bills on time. Failure to do so can result in eviction. 6) Keep personal possessions out of communal spaces. Keep communal spaces tidy. 7) Take turns cleaning communal areas such as bathrooms, vacuuming the floors, washing windows, dusting etc. [these can be done as a team to make it more enjoyable - put on some music and dance as you all work. If you're just breaking in this new concept, keep the work sessions short, stop before it becomes too onerous so you can finish on a good note.] 8) Respect other people's possessions and personal space. There are probably things I've forgotten to list here, but all these rules are ones you need to follow, if you want to be someone people are prepared to live with. The people you may want to live with could be family, friends, total strangers who are looking for someone to help share expenses, a future life partner... and so on. What I told my kids was this - to be a successful person in life, you need to be someone who people can at the very least, tolerate. If you are so unpleasant to be around that nobody wants to live with you, then not only will you always have to live alone (which is generally also more expensive) then you are likely to not even be able to find anywhere to live. And if you are so unpleasant to be around that you end up on the streets, you could find yourself not even being permitted to share the most squalid, flea-infested squat but instead constantly being moved on. Lonely, depressing, miserable - and nobody else to blame but yourself. So use the time now, while you still live under this roof, to gain the skills that will not only make you someone tolerable to live with but someone who could even be sought after as a good person to share accommodation with. And regardless of gender, being able to cook like Nigella Lawson could be a good start. Being able to pay your own bills promptly is also invaluable. Your daughter is a very long way from this. It's quite likely that she is going to be very resistant to following any rules at all. But you need to find out just what rights you have so you can determine what leverage you can use. Example of leverage - if she fails to let you know if she will be home for dinner, then don't cater for her. She will have to forage for herself when she gets home. Similarly, if she isn't home by curfew then call her, wherever she is, find out what other arrangements she has made. Allow a little leeway depending on how much goodwill she has stored up (if any) but be prepared to tell her that unless she has her own key and can let herself in quietly without disturbing anyone and can be trusted to lock the house up again after her, then she will have to stay somewhere overnight. You will need to be consistent in enforcing the rules - consistent with everyone. Responsibilities and privileges can vary for individuals depending on how reliable and how community-minded that have shown themselves to be, but the rules MUST be followed. It's your home. You are the ultimate person responsible for the overall management. In terms of a business, you're the CEO and she is a junior executive. You have to manage the administration of the business but she has to also do her part or she is out of a job. The rules of course will have to also apply to husband and also easy child. Since easy child is probably too young to be expected to prepare an entire meal on his own, then you have to modify the rules accordingly, for him. He can help prepare the meal sometimes. He can help with laundry, sometimes. All house members help with the laundry to the extent of ensuring that they have put washing in the right place in the laundry, with pockets already emptied and stains soaped. Any mending needing to be done should be dealt with before the clothing is washed; so depending on the age and capability of the house member, they either mend it themselves or ask someone to help. Quid pro quo - you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. If you want people to do you favours, you have to make it worth their while. So if you want your mother (or your sister) to patch your jeans, then you can do her a favour to help out. Peel the vegetables for dinner perhaps. Or feed the dog. Do the washing up (although everyone should be taking turns with that). Make an arrangement. Because while someone is spending time to help you, their other tasks are not getting done. It pays the individual in so many ways, to work with someone in cooperation. If a boy wants to play games with his mother, but she is too busy, then if he helps her complete her tasks more quickly she may have more time to spend with him. A kid who expects these 'treats' as a right, is a kid who has never got the message about the value of other people's time. If you want to be driven places, you need to earn the privilege. Nobody owes the kid the drive. She should never be able to bully you into driving her anywhere (I'm not saying she has ever succeeded - just using this as an example). I've used the example before, of Aesop's fable of the competition between the sun and the wind. They are talking to each other about who is the strongest - the wind says that he is strongest because you can see the trees bend in the wind, leaves blow along the street and a gale can do a lot of visible damage. What force can the sun exert? Then they see a man walking along the road. The wind declares, "Whoever can remove the coat form that man is the strongest of us!" And the wind begins to blow. At first the man holds his coat tighter around him, but as the wind blows even more, the coat begins to flap. However, the man just gathers his coat around him even tighter, ties his belt tighter and bends lower into the wind. As the wind blows stronger, the man turns his coat collar up, tucks his chin in, bends over more and trudges determinedly. Finally the wind has to pause and take a break. The sun takes a turn. The clouds part and the sun comes out, shining. Because the wind has stopped the man relaxes his grip on the coat, finally letting it fall open. The sun continues to shine - the man begins to sweat. Finally, really feeling the heat, the man takes off his coat. The sun declares himself the winner. Your daughter needs to learn that force is not going to get her what she wants. She has to learn more appropriate ways to persuade people. I have one last thought about the boyfriend standing her up - how do you know exactly what the status of this relationship is? Or what the arrangement was? Did the boyfriend tell you? Or did you only hear it from difficult child? Because it may be that she wasn't really stood up; he may have simply told her, "I'll try and meet up with you but I don't know if I'll be able to do this." Or it might have been difficult child saying to him, "I won't take no for an answer - I'll be waiting for you, I know you'll find a way to meet me." If all you know about this guy is what difficult child has told you, I would be taking it with a grain of salt. Because your description of him in your other thread just doesn't sound like the kind of guy who would stand anyone up. Marg [/QUOTE]
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