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Boys, boys, boys...is it ok to let her be depressed over boys???
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 278674" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>It's hormones, it's peer pressure, it's self-esteem, it's discovering new country. It's exciting. Even being depressed about a boy, is exciting because at least you're up with your peers.</p><p></p><p>All you can do is love her and comfort her. You could be feelnig sympathetic and want to strangle the young unfortunate male who made your darlnig girl cry, but in a couple of days she won't care about him, it will be someone else. Your energy will be purely a waste of your own emotion.</p><p></p><p>She needs to know that her emotions are taken seriously, because one day they WILL be real. </p><p></p><p>This is a practice run. But she's never been there before, so to her of course it is the real thing.</p><p></p><p>All you can do when she cries, "But he doesn't like me any more, you should have seen how he was looking at Julie instead!" is to pat her on the arm, say, "There there," and also say to her, "If he doesn't see in you what I see, he must be blind and any boy so short-sighted isn't worth your tears, in my view. You are a beautiful person as well as being pretty. There will be more boyfriends. Maybe many more. Every relationship teaches you a little bit more about yourself and how you manage a healthy relationship, and prepares you for the time when you meet The One. So think to yourself - what did I learn this time? Also think - what do I still need to learn?"</p><p></p><p>One important lesson she needs to learn from this - her own self-esteem needs to solidify and become a real driving force in her life. Also, how to make other people feel good too, without damaging her own self-esteem in the process. Very important, a difficult social balancing act for a young child. But a very important lesson for life in general.</p><p></p><p>She needs to know that these boyfriend relationships are valid. And of course they are. In centuries past she could already be married (and probably would have had no say in the matter). Our society has changed in many ways. Growing up and maturing emotionally is a tiresome and exhausting business for everybody. The emotional rollercoaster a kid goes through in their teens - it's appalling. </p><p></p><p>I made a pact with myself in my childhood, to never forget how it felt. I deliberately locked away memories into a vault so I can pull them out and examine them. The feelings, the emotional pain, the social circumstances that led to it all - what I resented the most at the time, was having it belittled by the adults in my life. "It's only puppy love," or the indulgent condescending smile. It doesn't matter if it's only puppy love - it hurts bad, it feels real enough and for those moments, it is the universe. You can't get around the depth of those feelings by trying to convince the person that they aren't so big after all, or that "You ain't seen nothing yet!"</p><p>I remember thinking at the time - "If real love hurts even worse than this; if growing up means I am going to experience emotional pain on a greater scale - then maybe I shouldn't allow my life to continue. I can barely cope with this, and everyone says it's not real. What on earth will I do when I'm older and have to deal with even more pain?"</p><p></p><p>So don't try to make light of it. This hurts, even if the boy was barely in her life a fortnight earlier. It hurts NOW. And even if you privately feel she is tearing her heart out for a useless idiot, it's HER choice to do this. Better to tear her heart out for a few days for a useless idiot now, than to have years of grief for making the wrong choice ten years from now.</p><p></p><p>Think of it as her learning to walk on a balance beam. The beam is currrently set six inches above the floor, but the personal shame in falling off is as bad in her mind as the physical pain of falling off sixty feet up. The more you support and encourage her now, the more skilled she will be when she has to walk the balance beem in the ceiling of the Big Top, without a safety net. YOU need to become her safety net.</p><p></p><p>I hope this helps.</p><p></p><p>Give her a hug from her cyber Aunty from Down Under. She's a gorgeous girl, any boy who doesn't stick around doesn't know what he's missing.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 278674, member: 1991"] It's hormones, it's peer pressure, it's self-esteem, it's discovering new country. It's exciting. Even being depressed about a boy, is exciting because at least you're up with your peers. All you can do is love her and comfort her. You could be feelnig sympathetic and want to strangle the young unfortunate male who made your darlnig girl cry, but in a couple of days she won't care about him, it will be someone else. Your energy will be purely a waste of your own emotion. She needs to know that her emotions are taken seriously, because one day they WILL be real. This is a practice run. But she's never been there before, so to her of course it is the real thing. All you can do when she cries, "But he doesn't like me any more, you should have seen how he was looking at Julie instead!" is to pat her on the arm, say, "There there," and also say to her, "If he doesn't see in you what I see, he must be blind and any boy so short-sighted isn't worth your tears, in my view. You are a beautiful person as well as being pretty. There will be more boyfriends. Maybe many more. Every relationship teaches you a little bit more about yourself and how you manage a healthy relationship, and prepares you for the time when you meet The One. So think to yourself - what did I learn this time? Also think - what do I still need to learn?" One important lesson she needs to learn from this - her own self-esteem needs to solidify and become a real driving force in her life. Also, how to make other people feel good too, without damaging her own self-esteem in the process. Very important, a difficult social balancing act for a young child. But a very important lesson for life in general. She needs to know that these boyfriend relationships are valid. And of course they are. In centuries past she could already be married (and probably would have had no say in the matter). Our society has changed in many ways. Growing up and maturing emotionally is a tiresome and exhausting business for everybody. The emotional rollercoaster a kid goes through in their teens - it's appalling. I made a pact with myself in my childhood, to never forget how it felt. I deliberately locked away memories into a vault so I can pull them out and examine them. The feelings, the emotional pain, the social circumstances that led to it all - what I resented the most at the time, was having it belittled by the adults in my life. "It's only puppy love," or the indulgent condescending smile. It doesn't matter if it's only puppy love - it hurts bad, it feels real enough and for those moments, it is the universe. You can't get around the depth of those feelings by trying to convince the person that they aren't so big after all, or that "You ain't seen nothing yet!" I remember thinking at the time - "If real love hurts even worse than this; if growing up means I am going to experience emotional pain on a greater scale - then maybe I shouldn't allow my life to continue. I can barely cope with this, and everyone says it's not real. What on earth will I do when I'm older and have to deal with even more pain?" So don't try to make light of it. This hurts, even if the boy was barely in her life a fortnight earlier. It hurts NOW. And even if you privately feel she is tearing her heart out for a useless idiot, it's HER choice to do this. Better to tear her heart out for a few days for a useless idiot now, than to have years of grief for making the wrong choice ten years from now. Think of it as her learning to walk on a balance beam. The beam is currrently set six inches above the floor, but the personal shame in falling off is as bad in her mind as the physical pain of falling off sixty feet up. The more you support and encourage her now, the more skilled she will be when she has to walk the balance beem in the ceiling of the Big Top, without a safety net. YOU need to become her safety net. I hope this helps. Give her a hug from her cyber Aunty from Down Under. She's a gorgeous girl, any boy who doesn't stick around doesn't know what he's missing. Marg [/QUOTE]
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