Brief update on difficult child

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Childofmine, Oct 9, 2014.

  1. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    I haven't posted a lot in a while so wanted to share a brief update about difficult child and me.

    He's still working. He's about 8 to 10 weeks into this job. He's still homeless. His girlfriend who may/may not have stabbed him is out of jail (out a week now) and they are back together.

    Gfriend got the stabbing charge reduced to a misdemeanor and all of her charges bundled together into 11 months, 29 days probation on diversion, which means if she doesn't get into trouble for that long, her record will be expunged. difficult child said he "tried to tell the DA she didn't do it, but they wouldn't erase the charge."

    It doesn't really matter if she did it or if he did it to himself accidentally. They were both drunk at the time. The whole thing is not good.

    I am trying to relax into this as the "new normal." I don't understand it, and it's often surreal and bewildering, but it is reality. It's good that he is working (I guess) but that doesn't seem to have changed much for him so far, except he is buying a lot of motel rooms for himself and girlfriend.

    difficult child's dad and I have told him we will pay his rent for the first month. The other day, in a rush, I blurted out that I would buy a tank of gas, after he said he was thinking of getting his car fixed. I also told the mechanic to cap the charges at $350, without difficult child knowing, and I will pay the rest.

    So....I have offered and done a few things to make the way a little easier, but difficult child still has to do the heavy lifting and have his skin in the game. That hasn't happened.

    I'm thankful that I am so super-busy right now that my down moments about difficult child are few. Mostly when I'm really tired. Or when it's storming outside. Or when it's cold outside. Then I start thinking about where is difficult child? Is he okay? And then I just start praying. That is really all there is to do.

    My birthday was Sunday. On Saturday I FB-messaged difficult child to ask if he would like to go with me, SO, easy child and fiancee to the movie the next day. No response. I drove by the places he goes Saturday and Sunday and didn't see him. On Tuesday afternoon he left me a vm saying he was sorry he forgot my birthday, and then a FB message saying the same thing yesterday. You know, that is really not an issue, although it would have been nice for him to join us.

    He is going to be off the grid with girlfriend until who knows?

    Yesterday I went by the day shelter to talk with the social worker there about difficult child. I asked her if she's seen him or if he's been in with the apartment information (they are going to help him with deposits). She said she saw him once but he hasn't been in to talk with her anymore about the apartment.

    She told me more about the girlfriend---all not good. She is a very troubled girl and has been in a lot of trouble already for just being 19. The social worker said "we all love difficult child here, he's kind, quiet and doesn't cause trouble. I hate to see him with her." Then she said girlfriend has been banned from the day shelter.

    So....it's like RE's post about her daughter, and it's like life is for everybody. People take a few steps forward, and then they take a few steps back. I do that too. With my life, and with my work on myself. It's impossible to sustain a totally forward movement all the time.

    As so for difficult child. He is with this girl for now. I wish he wasn't, but he is. I just have to accept it, and let it all go. He is a 25-year-old man and he is living his life. I have offered help and he doesn't want it right now for whatever reason.

    I just want to be free of judgment, accept him, love him and be encouraging. I'm working on it.
     
  2. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Well I am glad to hear he is working. Sounds like the girlfriend is nothing but trouble waiting to happen again. Hopefully he will wake up sooner rather than later and get rid of her. It was nice of you to help him out behind the scenes. Having a car will help him greatly with the job and with having somewhere safe to stay if needed.
     
  3. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    We are their mothers (and dads). We find ourselves doing what we do, for them and for ourselves.

    And sometimes, that is all there is to say, and somehow, that has to be enough, because that is all there is.

    Prayers going up in celebration of your strength and courage, COM.

    Believe it or not, there are parents who would have used any one of these incidents to justify hatred and blaming and turning away.

    You are facing everything so well, Child.

    We need to hear that, sometimes.

    Wishing a Happy Birthday, and hoping your birthday dinner was a beautiful, intentional celebration overflowing with joy, which is a deeper, more meaningful thing than happiness ever was.

    Cedar
     
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Happy belated Birthday COM. I hope your celebration was a good one. I wish you love, peace and joy in the coming year. You deserve that in spades.

    In spite of how this often feels, you are doing such a good job of walking through this crazy landscape we find ourselves on. You do that with dignity and grace.

    You addressed the situation clearly and made choices of where you would help, which sounds good and also sounds like you felt good about it, which is the most important thing anyway.

    You received information from the shelter which verified how you were already feeling.

    Perhaps this relationship with the troubled girl will bring about something positive for your son. We just don't know. "Our greatest adversaries are our greatest teachers" comes to mind about your sons girlfriend........she may, in all her own problems, show him a different way.

    My daughters recent choices have lead her to a warrant for her arrest...........I originally judged that as being stupid, however, in short order, her gratitude and appreciation for me, for life, for a lot grew in ways I had not seen before. And when I saw that, it humbled me, it made me think, "wow, I have no idea how it will turn out so why am I judging this as not okay, I don't know enough to do that." The big picture is very different then the little slices we get to see daily.

    Seems to me like your doing a very good job of it COM. Celebrate how far you've come. I'll do that too. We'll have a celebration of our wins, our successes............hallelujah.
     
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  5. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    I like that sentence COM. I hope you get there.

    My son's fallen out with all the other squatters and says he's been invited to Portugal to join a group of hippies there who are setting up a self-sufficient commune. He'll probably want help to get a new passport (he destroyed his old one), then he'll take off and live there for a while until he argues with them all and decides he can't live with them any more. I'll worry less because the weather's better so that's better than a British Winter. I'll worry more because he's further away and I'll probably have to go a long time with no contact.

    That's life.
    I can't see any stable future for mine. I think it's going to be a repeated cycle of trying to find an alternative lifestyle that he can cope with, falling out with whoever he's with, moving on, etc, etc. Maybe he'll end up in a hermit's cave somewhere, with or without a girlfriend. The GFs come and go, he always seems to have a woman in his bed but I can't keep up with their names. I'm sure your son's current girlfriend will become the ex-girlfriend sooner or later, they always do.

    Hear hear!

    x
     
  6. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I have been wondering how you and he were doing, COM. I so admire the way you always find the middle way with your son.

    It is good that he is still working, that he has something in his life he cares enough about to show up for. The rest will play itself out, one way or another.
     
  7. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Happy Birthday Child! How nice it must have felt to have the shelter lady say such nice things about your son.
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Adding my happy birthday to you. Hope your son dumps the girlfriend soon. Hoping that will make a difference. Your son sounds like a nice young man who could turn this around. He isn't that old and he is taking baby steps, like the job. Actually, I think that's a big step.

    Hugs!!!!
     
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