bringing up the rear

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by CookieMomster, Feb 25, 2008.

  1. last psychiatric visit... after horrid rages from my daughter... i take my son too so he can help me tell how this is affecting us... appointment sucked. Doctor talked to her, she minimized the problems into "moms mean" he askes me..I tell him a brief version of the truth...he looks back to her says "hows school" she says fine. So he says "i am writing script for 5 months see you then". WTH? so on the way out she opens the goes first, then my son, then me and daughter is last. I said.. "she is bringing up the rear". We get to the front and the doctor tells the kids to go outside..and he reemes my butt...about how horrible that statment was...I am thinking this man thinks i said something like "she takes it up the rear" or repeat it "she is bringing up the rear" meaning she is ..the caboose of the train... He proceeds to telling me how horrible i am for making that statment...etc.... Thats a statement teachers make in school..etc.. I dont get it... I get to the son says mom he is a glorified drug pusher....
    So...we are not going back to this man. He has been no help... just increases the medications when I tell him they are not working...she has gained 30lbs in 2 months ....yes she is good at school... but the school isnt paying for this ..I AM..i would like some help at home please?????????? Problem is..there are not shrinks around here with "openings"...they are full and not taking any new patients....
    Meanwhile..I deal with almost daily rages if I dont do what she wants..or I say NO...i walk on eggshells for any form of peace. Why? because I cannot physically make her do or not do anything..she is much stronger than me..and she has hit me, thrown things at me..etc. She goes to school and tells her friends and the councelor that she is innocent... she comes home ..i call her a B and slap her...and they tell her since she has no bruises they wont call dhs.... but... that she needs to make me talk to her and explain to her what she is doing wrong...WHAT?????????????? I have NEVER hit my child...other than the time I had to restrain her and while reaching in to grab her I hit her.... She was hitting me..punching and kicking me...and I came across her shoulder trying to get my hand on her pony tail to hold her off till my son could get in the house to get her off of me. Regardless there was no HIT. My ex husband (her father) says she needs her butt beat..and at times I would agree, but I physically cant do that. Any attempt I ever made to spank her resulted in her rolling over or pulling away and there was no way to beat her butt.
    She is on Depakote and Abilify. I think the Abilify works..the Depakote has not..there is absolutely no improvement and she has gained weight.... Her father is finally seeing some of this as she always wants to call him becasue in the past he has taken her side and bashed me to her. In the past two months he has actaully come to our home during her fits and seen it firsthand. Is he on the boat? no...but he sees it now. I think he might regret alot of the bad things he said about me to her as she has rehashed his words in her attacks on me ...out of anger toward him for not taking her side. sometims you think..gosh this is a normal child with sort of behavior problems that are in her lets put her somewhere where she will see what she has at home. But..if she is bipolar that would make it worse. She needs to be AWAY from me... I need a freaking break.....she needs to miss me and the things she takes for granted. But she needs to be somewhere that she cant manipulate things and will show her true colors as she does at home. No her father wont take her. (good thought..but he wont). I get advice to call the cops when she is hitting me... good idea too... but then she will have a will be all over town...and right now I guess I am the only one that gets this treatment. I am trying to do this ..without letting the rest of the world know... so she wont have a reputation for being crazy...but meanwhile she is spreading around that I abuse her...GOOD LORD.
    Really folks..I can ground phone... right..well if i am not paying attention to her she will get the phone and use it..then what? lock the phones in my room??? should i have to do that with a 13 year old? Stay in your room? wrong..she has to use the bathroom, get a drink etc.... and is out and at my feet badgering me. I walk away to get a break from her attacks and she follows my room and lock the door she is banging on it..having a fit ....throwing things in the house..etc.
    but..I must tell you..she is a beautiful child... she can be sweet and lovable... (which will be used against me later when she wants something)....her grades were great, but are now falling and her teachers make comments to her like "i know you are having problems at home but"....(see they know there are problems)...
    venting complete for now... hit me with what you think.
  2. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I cannot stand psychiatrists like that. We had one and because Eeyore was a foster child at the time I was required to go to him but I was finally able to get permission to go to another psychiatrist. Wow, what a difference a COMPETENT psychiatrist can make.

    Could you expand your geographic region? It would be worth driving 60-90 minutes if you got the help you needed.
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    He's a waste of time.
    End of story.
    So sorry you had to go through that.
  4. pearlofgrace

    pearlofgrace New Member

    You definitely should drop that doctor. Have you read the book The Explosive Child by Dr. Ross W. Greene? It's a good book. It's helps us, first, understand why our children are so "explosive" and, second, how to handle it with CPS (Collaborative Problem Solving). CPS is what we use when solving other problems in our lives, it's just more difficult and has to be done differently with our explosive children.

    I will tell you it it's right on for how to deal with your child but it will not be an overnight fix; it will not be easy. You've got to prepare yourself for swallowing your pride while being screamed at, raged at, etc. and continue to talk calmly no matter what...and, of course, recognizing when YOU need to walk away to calm down. That has been very hard for me and my husband. We get screamed at so much I just want to smack her but that would serve no useful purpose other than releasing steam. (I have been so stressed out lately even my dentist noticed because I clench my teeth.)

    Hope this helps.

  5. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sounds like the doctor is an idiot.

    Sounds like you need to beg, borrow, and steal to get into another psychiatrist. In the meantime, avoid as many confrontations as possible. Basket your lives together so that there is clear line between what you can let slide until she is stable, and what is an absolute "no go" item. You will probably have to bite your tongue and walk away as much as possible.

    The biggest thing is being safe. If she truly becomes violent again, call the police. It's not a matter of her getting a record, it may be a matter of her getting a bed in the pward or phospital so she can trully get some help.


  6. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I would definitely be finding a new psychiatrist.
  7. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    I agree -- you need a new psychiatrist. Can you ask your pediatrician to help you locate a competent one who has openings? When we were recently looking for a psychiatrist for my daughter, our pediatrician made phone calls to his psychiatrist colleagues who gave recommendations for the kind of psychiatrist we wanted (in our case, a young female who could work well with a young teen). We ended up with a wonderful psychiatrist, and I owe it all to our pediatrician.
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911

    (laughing to myself bcause) once upon a time - we had a 1st year graduate student come to the house for wrap services. (What a jerk) started off by ordering Dude to SIT, and then said he's not there to "waste his time" and if I didn't entertain this moron - I got no further services bcause it is a "chain" that you have to endure to stay in the loop.

    The second visit - the wrap guy made some statement about how I was handling a particular situation and with that - DF got up, said "Ut oh, now you've done it" and I let goofy have it with BOTH barrels. And no - I am not "misdirecting my anger" or "having a bad day". What I am seeing however is a man who is not married, does not have children, didn't want to be a therapist, but wanted to be an automechanic but because your step dad is a cardiologist that wouldn't do - and you can't make money at playing a guitar on the street corner - SO do NOT even pretend to sit there and preach how to be a good parent to me in August when you JUST graduated from college in May - and THAT Cookie - shut him up and unfortunately - he had to come back.

    I received a bill for his services through mental health - I wrote his bosses boss a SCATHING letter - and said that if driving around looking at Christmas lights to "take up" our therapy time since from day one - your employee blew his chances by being bossy with our son - then I'll pay the bill - but I want reimbursed for the Krispy Kreme doughnuts and coffee - I paid every week.

    I never got an apology - and I never got another bill - I did get a snit of a message on my answering machine from the former therapist - and I say former because he had decided after a year that kids weren't for him - OH great -

    So don't EVER feel bad - the man is oblivious to modern day lingo and a twit. Know what I mean? ???

    I think I would find a hospital to take her to and see if you can get a new complete psychiatric evaluation from a new set of eyes and ears and if she is an emerging BiPolar (BP) - then go from there - the weight gain is not good and in my humble opinion if the medications aren't helping due to daily rages - then WHAT is being 30 lbs overweight at 13 accomplishing? - (IMVVVHO) nothing -

    Hugs for your day - Here I knitted you slippers for walking on eggshells, and I'm sending a mojo bag full of dove chocolate.
  9. uncheerleader

    uncheerleader Pollyanna

    Uuuugggh!!! GET A NEW psychiatrist!!!

    What about video tapping a rage episode?
    1. You'd have proof.
    2. (when she's calm) You could show her what she looks like during these episodes.

    Hide the camera if you have to.

    ???? it might work

    Good luck.
    Sorry you had to go through this ((((((hug))))))

  10. the "use the calm tone/voice" thing..ugh..i did that daughter couldnt read we made an agreement I would raise my voice so she could tell when I was getting mad... of course that didnt work either. Its to a point where she ALWAYS wants to fight with me about one thing or another. If I ignore it, she yells at me MOM I AM TALKING TO YOU... If i say anything even if its to change the subject she tells me i am stupid... THIS IS NOT THE CHILD I GAVE BIRTH she has always been bipolar...and we knew it...just now it seems she is stuck in the B*tch phase and one of us aint going to live long in this phase. UGH...I have a friend who wants her to come stay with her and her children a few days. Daughter likes them but hates staying the night... Daughter is Baptist..this family is Pentacostal. They are verrrrrrrry straight... and I think this might be a good deal... but.. will this cause her issues with feeling abandoned? I just..worry and fret about things...I think it would help her to see what she has here... but then ..with mental illness you never know how she will react. What if she gets mad and runs away from her house? she is in town and i am in the country...

    I am searching for a new doctor...our regular doctor referred us to the last quack...that was the ONLY one they could find. Yes, I would consider driving to the ends of the earth to find a good doctor, who accepts our insurance etc.

    I am fine all day...about 2pm I start getting a shoulders get tense...and ..I dread her arrival home. I really wish I could find some joy with her...this truely *****.

    She knows some of what she is doing...she told me tonight ..that if I make her quit cheer the rule is that you cant join another sport if you quit one...well ..she said..I will just tell them that you made me do it and you are crazy....and they will let me do whatever. SEE? she has those idiots at the school convinced I hit her and stuff.... ugh..

    so... more directions??? i value all that you have told me so far... I could use that chocolate..could you send me a baileys irish creame coffee with it?