bro-in-law up to old tricks

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by owendavidj, Jul 29, 2014.

  1. owendavidj

    owendavidj New Member

    fyi doing this from my smart phone, do please forgive mispellings. Just looking for some advice, encouragement, or whatever you got.

    Quick background on my brother-in-law: he is 37 years old, married to my sister. he has an old history of drug addiction from before they met. About 2 years ago he started using again. It was pretty obvious s his behavior changed, he was always moody, very anti social with family, and the biggest sign, he just couldn't hold on to money. Advised my sister to confront him about it in which he denied all. Then he started stealing from her. After she had left him, a few months go by and he called out of the blue and admitted his addiction,finally, to coke. I tried to help him, he seemed to straighten out, moved back in with my sister and within 3 months she was drained of everything cashable to her name, and slowly got her in -500 in her checking account as well, she left him again (moved in with me), and we combined him to go to rehab, which he participated in the full program of 90 days, and before allowing him to come home (to my house now) spoke with his counselors and dr's st the rehab who spoke highly of his progress, and gave some advice for his return into society. The edited version of this advice is that basically i have him on lock down. He I'd not allowed a set of house keys, he is not allowed to drive without permission (we hold his car keys), he is not allowed guests, his phone is tracked so we can see all texts and phone calls, and i monitor it daily. Etc,etc.
    This is what's going on. Within a week home he was caught red handed stealing checks from his brothers checkbook st his brothers house (he was allowed to visit under his brothers supervision). My other roommates rent money disappeared on due day. He lost 2 jobs in 2weeks (one of which was bc of money missing from a register), and has been unableto find a job in the last 6weeks, not even a minimum wage job. I've administered 2 random drug tests, once when the roommates rent disappeared, and once again 3 days later, he passed both drug tests.

    before rehab, when he would steal or use, he would always get really guilty and admit what he did soonish after. But now with all these recent shenanigans he's striking back (getting upset or "hurt" at the accusations) and denying till he's blue in the face. To the point where I've even gently confronted my other roommate about things, bc he actually had me believing for a second that maybe she stole her own rent money back so he would get blamed. It's insane.

    Now I'm finding $120 cash missing out of night table. This if the last straw, i confront him, and he tells me about 3 individual accounts where my roommate had company over and there was s brief period on time the company was home without the roommate present in the house. I mean, he's always got an answer, always an excuse, always a scape goat.

    I can't afford to keep popping random drug tests, but he did pass the 2 right after a large chunk of money went missing.

    I told him tonight that were having a house meeting tomorrow and if he admits to everything he's denied in the last couple months, in detail, including where the money went, and return what's left of it if any, that i will give him 1 more chance. I did already tell him 1 more chance after the rent money disappeared, which he still denies of course.

    I'm a recovering alcoholic, sober 5 years, so i have a soft door for trying to help him, but how many last chances can i give the guy. And it makes it so much harder that i don't really have concrete evidence of anything other than the fact he's a dead beat, i feel like an :censored2: if i put him out on the street.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This is really a forum for people dealing with their children, not other relatives. But in answer to your question, as a recovering alcoholic, don't you think you've given him enough one more chances? Why does he live with you anyway? I wouldn't let a 37 year old drug addict live in my house for any reason.

    Do you really need concrete proof to know he did it? Do you go to AA? If you don't, I think you may want to go to a meeting to learn how to focus off of him and fixing him. You know you can't fix him, just like nobody could fix you except you.

    Anyhow, good luck :)
     
  3. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Hi Owen, you know the truth. He's stealing from everybody. Bet if he gets kicked out, the stealing will stop.

    Drug addicts use drugs. Drug addicts steal. Drug addicts lie. That's what they do.

    And drug tests don't show all drugs. In fact, one shelter director told me she upgraded their test to a 10-panel, which is a lot more expensive than the old test they used to use, but it still doesn't show everything.

    It's sad that your brother in law is still in the grip of his disease. And as you know, relapse is an integral part of the disease.

    But until he wants to change more than he wants the drugs, nothing will change.

    And there will be a lot of collateral damage. I will not let my own son live in my house. I would say: Gone.

    Hope you find a way forward.
     
  4. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Yep the brother in law would need to move out now! You know the truth from experience. He has already gotten fired for possible theft.
     
  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    OK I think you know your brother in law is lying, as drug addicts do to save themselves. Always. I would worry about the affect this would have on the relationship between you and your roommates! No one wants to have someone stay with them who is probably stealing from the household. Bad all around so I think for your own sanity, your own relationship with your roommates I would tell your brother in law he cant live there any more because of the situation. You dont have to prove he is lying, it is a situation all around that is not good for anyone.

    I can understand your having a soft heart from him because of your own past, but did people enabling you help you in your recovery? My guess is not. So dont hinder his recovery by enabling him.

    Where is your sister in all of this?

    You both need to get to an alanon meeting which will focus on how to take care of yourselves...

    TL


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