Brokenhearted

[BusynMember]

She said " The only way I got clean was when my parents finally kicked me out."

As hard as this is to believe and I'm sure it is not the case for every person, my daughter basically told me the same thing, adding that drug life is hard and the people turn on one another and she was so sick and tired of it that she was done. Although she did not end up homeless because her very strict brother allowed her his basement for rent, chores and she had to have a job even with no car, she did not feel comfortable there. He helped too by forcing her to be responsible or be gone. So thanks to Goneboy...at one time he and Princess were close and he was willing to let her in, but any drugs, cigarettes or booze and this very religious young man would have thrown her out with no regret and she knew it. She quit there. I am grateful. I will never think coddling is right for most addicts. It gives them a warm comfy place to self--destruct and does not encourage them to change. My own opinion, of course. And there are always exceptions.

 

[New Leaf]

The lack of empathy seems characteristic of our children. I do not know if it is drugs or what. But it is typical. Do not take it personally.

If he speaks about suicide, call the police. He must learn that he cannot go there, without your taking it seriously.

COPA

Hopeful this is so correct. I am sorry I missed this part, for sure, suicide talk warrants a call to 911.

I was thinking too, he is violating your TRO. You have this for a very good reason. I know it is tough to call police to aid where our own are concerned. I have had to do this, and also CPS, for my grands.

It ended up putting my d c's in the system, social workers got involved. They had to go to rehab.

What you may be hesitant to do, just might be an answer......
Leafy

 

[Hopeful97]

Thank you all for your wisdom and support. I went to the police station and told them what happened. They know who Difficult Child is and about what has happened. I do take talk of suicide very seriously as I lost my brother to suicide and almost myself. So a while ago Difficult Child leaves message on answering machine "why the **** did you call the ******* cops on me?" I wanted to text him "talk of killing yourself is taken seriously" but I agree with my sister no response and call police if he shows up. Wow what an emotional roller coaster this day has been thus far. This may sound weird I am no longer the mess I was this morning I have a peace about me, it has to be God carrying me

Hugs, Hopeful

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Hopeful I am glad you went to the police station. Your posts have shown your son getting more and more brazen. You do not need to be subjected to this. He has been disrespectful to you and hubby to the point where I think you have grown used to it. So has he.
Who does this to their mothers, texting f words, it is despicable behavior.
You have stood up for yourself in this, good for you. I am glad you have found peacefulness. You have every right to expect respect from your children, nothing less.
Stand firm Hopeful.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[Hopeful97]

Leafy, You know you are right I think we have grown used to this behavior and it is despicable. I am going to try ,and I do not think I will have to try very hard, and call police if he shows up, well not if but when. Hopefully I won't have to get another restraining order. Standing firm as a warrior mom.

Hopeful

 

[New Leaf]

Good for you Hopeful. This is not easy. I think as time passes and we worry for our d c's, we forget the unacceptable behavior because we feel badly for them. I know what kept me enabling was wanting better for my grands. The crazy chaos and drama eventually enveloped our house. I didn't even want to go home after work, it wasn't home. I do not ever want to feel like that again.
Keep strong Hopeful you are doing this.
(((Hugs)))
leafy

 

[Kalahou]

Dear Hopeful,
I have been keeping up with your post and been lifting you folks.

This may sound weird I am no longer the mess I was this morning I have a peace about me,

I don't think this feeling is weird. It is a good sign. It shows progress in your detachment from emotional fear and acceptance of the situation and what you need to do about it. "When you accept the moment as it is, you can feel a sense of spaciousness within you that is deeply peaceful." (Eckhart Tolle)

You have done the right things. You are going to be alright. Kalahou

 

[Hopeful97]

Good for you Hopeful. This is not easy. I think as time passes and we worry for our d c's, we forget the unacceptable behavior because we feel badly for them. I know what kept me enabling was wanting better for my grands. The crazy chaos and drama eventually enveloped our house. I didn't even want to go home after work, it wasn't home. I do not ever want to feel like that again.
Keep strong Hopeful you are doing this.
(((Hugs)))
leafy

Leafy, I know exactly what you mean, I do not want to ever feel like my home isn't my home again either, that I believe at this point is my driving force I want to feel safe again because it is good. You stay strong too. Hugs, Hopeful

 

[Hopeful97]

Dear Hopeful,
I have been keeping up with your post and been lifting you folks.

I don't think this feeling is weird. It is a good sign. It shows progress in your detachment from emotional fear and acceptance of the situation and what you need to do about it. "When you accept the moment as it is, you can feel a sense of spaciousness within you that is deeply peaceful." (Eckhart Tolle)

You have done the right things. You are going to be alright. Kalahou

Kalahou, Thank you for your encouraging words and the wonderful quote.

 

[Childofmine]

Hopeful, hang in there. Call the police if the thought even crosses your mind.

Why in the world would we let people (our DCs) who are living their unbelievable lives, tell us what to do or what not to do?

If someone threatens suicide, the only thing to do is call the police in my mind. In our state, threatening suicide is against the law. So, anytime my Difficult Child said it, I called the police. To my mind, it was a first step on perhaps getting him help again.

Hopeful, he doesn't get to set the rules.

We're here for you!

 

[Hopeful97]

Have not been here for a few days. It's been a roller coaster of emotion. Today especially. Difficult Child tried to call home phone this morning, we did not answer, tried to call hubby several times he did not answer. Getting into vehicle to leave Difficult Child calls hubby, he answers Difficult Child is standing down street it is raining hubby waits for Difficult Child and gives him some cigarettes. Difficult Child and I do not speak. We are driving Difficult Child calls hubby wants to talk to me I am hesitant I have not talked to him for several days. I talk to him he starts crying saying he is sorry he didn't say he loved me then said I love you and how his self esteem is really low and howner bad of a time he is having I start crying too I tell him the only thing I can do for him is me and hubby can take him to a homeless shelter for teens and they will help him with education and getting a job. He can stay there for 2 years and then they have programs that help to get them on their own. HDC doesn't want to do that. We said I love you and hung up.

Difficult Child called hubby later hubby answered Difficult Child asked if we were going to give him a Christmas present, he wanted to know because allegedly can have somewhere to stay for a month for 50 dollars. Hubby told Difficult Child couldn't get present until Christmas. Difficult Child started telling hubby how he was going to have to sleep outside and that hubby was ********. Hubby wanted me to talk to Difficult Child I told hubby I could not that I am trying to lovingly detach and have set a boundary that I cannot cross right now. Feeling all kinds of feelings, sad empty, upset, frustrated, sorry that life is so hard, sorry for my Difficult Child. Thanks for listening. Worn out warrior mom, Hopeful

 

[Hopeful97]

My sister also very upset she turned her phone off my Difficult Child kept calling. This definitely affects whole family. I want to let him in to take a shower but know I cannot at least not yet don't know when. Wow such tremendous guilt.

 

[New Leaf]

My sister also very upset she turned her phone off my Difficult Child kept calling. This definitely affects whole family. I want to let him in to take a shower but know I cannot at least not yet don't know when. Wow such tremendous guilt.

Hopeful, you have nothing to feel guilty about. I know how hard this is. You have done everything you can to help your son, including researching and finding a teen shelter for him. This would be the best place for him, he would have to follow rules and tow the line, plus getting an education and job? WOW!
I would definitely think not even twice, a thousand times before giving him any cash.
Many people will tell you our d cs lie and manipulate us to get money.
If your son is so desperate and cold, he would jump at the chance to go to this shelter.
He does not want to WHY?

Most of our D cs do not want to go to shelters because they do not want to change.

Difficult Child started telling hubby how he was going to have to sleep outside and that hubby was ********.

This, here tells me that your son is trying to manipulate you both.
Crying and begging for what he wants, on his terms, then swearing and getting nasty, when he doesn't get what he is demanding.
So Hopeful, you are going to have to put the crying out of your mind, and put the nasty swearing in the forefront. When people show you who they are.....believe them.

I know how this feels, when Rain came home looking totally disheveled and beat up, I was besides myself with grief and sadness. Then, Hopeful, she came again, high as a kite, babbling on about this and that. I felt like I had lost two weeks of my life with excruciating worry for her, she is out there, trying to find any way she can to get high.

Our poor, poor mama hearts.......

I feel for you Hopeful. Talk with your sister. Go to a counselor or a group like al-anon, to help you with your stance. You are doing the absolute right thing for your son. It does not seem like it, with the crying and manipulating, but you are. I wish I had stood my ground a long time ago, Hopeful. Can you see 18 more years of this?
Rain is 36.

The sooner you stand up and say no more, the better for you and your son.
It is hard, it hurts, it goes contrary to our desire to see our children do well.
You have done the best thing you can for him.
Believe it from someone who took way too many years to realize that we just cannot fix our kids.
They have to want it.
If your son was so uncomfortable and in such dire straits Hopeful, don't you think he would jump at the chance to be in this shelter?
You are doing the right thing, dear. It doesn't feel good now. Take some deep breaths and pray.
I gave my two to God, their problems are way over my head. He can do miracles.

Deep breaths Hopeful, you can do this. For your son, and for true peace in your heart and home.

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Nancy]

I have no words right now hopeful, just a caring hug.

 

[BusynMember]

Most of our D cs do not want to go to shelters because they do not want to change.

They also don't go because shelters have rules. You can't be high or drunk there. There are sets of behaviors.

I volunteered at a shelter in a rather posh area in Illinois. I was shocked at all the homeless people who came in!! They had to leave if they fought, were obviously high, were obviously drunk...and they had to be there by a certain time or the shelter locked it's doors and they had to leave at the same time in the morning. They did get to wash up (not shower) and got a church lady home cooked meal every night and a lunch sack every day. We had extra warm coats and boots and gloves (donated). There are places to go during the day, like the library and laundromats.

I got off track. I'm trying to say, shelters don't offer rehab, but they did help those who wanted to get jobs and could use our phone number for employment. Most did not show up for job interviews or to see our social worker because they were too into whatever they did (mostly drugs). But it was a safe haven for the night with a wonderful dinner and people like me to talk to (although few talked) if they got upset.

Rules. Drug users hate rules. And that's a big part of it.

 

[Hopeful97]

Thank you all. You are right if he really was as bad off as he is trying to make us think he would take the opportunity that I found at the shelter for teens. I have been going to 2 Ala non meetings a week it helps. There are a couple of books that help to Co dependent no more and AL anon works. Adding as much as I can to my tool box. My faith is growing that's for sure.

HUGS, Hopeful

 

[New Leaf]

. Adding as much as I can to my tool box. My faith is growing that's for sure.

Atta way Hopeful, you got this. Keep the faith, and keep strong.
Tomorrow is a new day.....
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[blackgnat]

I just wanted to say how fantastically strong you are being and I know how painful this all is.

Despite all I have been and am going through with my Difficult Child, I don't believe I would have the courage to do what you are doing. The thing that has helped me the most is that he is 1,000 miles away in Colorado (though they have a winter storm alert right now and I am in HELL, wondering what is happening with him).

Just wanted to give you BIG KUDOS!!!

 

[Hopeful97]

I just wanted to say how fantastically strong you are being and I know how painful this all is.

Despite all I have been and am going through with my Difficult Child, I don't believe I would have the courage to do what you are doing. The thing that has helped me the most is that he is 1,000 miles away in Colorado (though they have a winter storm alert right now and I am in HELL, wondering what is happening with him).

Just wanted to give you BIG KUDOS!!!

Blackgnat, Thank you for the encouragement! I don't look at myself as strong, but thank you. I don't want to take a chance of being afraid in my own home again.

Praying for you, Hopeful

 

[Hopeful97]

Wow! Manipulation, mental illness something else or a combination of things not sure. Got me thinking then found out more and now feeling sad, empty, numb and more resolved that I am doing the right thing. Here is what happened. Encounter with Difficult Child yesterday. Difficult Child walking past house yesterday I was outside with 1st born. I was not going to say anything, Difficult Child looks our way I we wave, Difficult Child stops asks 1st born for a ride and asks me for food. I get him a can of fruit, I try 1 more time. I tell Difficult Child all about place I found for teens where he could live for up to 2 years get GED job training. They help find a job and have program to help get apartment, etc. Difficult Child responds I am not going to a shelter. Difficult Child tells me that local police stopped him told him we and all department know that your parents have restraining order and if they see him within 500 feet of house whether order is in affect or not they will arrest him. THIS IS A GOODS THING, YES! Thank you local police.

Difficult Child had asked hubby if we were getting him Christmas present hubby said yes. Difficult Child tells me he needs present because he needs 50 to be able to stay with friend for 1 month (I am thinking yeah whatever) I tell Difficult Child we were giving him 25 he starts you are not going to see me for Christmas..... you won't help me......I go inside. Christmas present is compromise between me amd hubby. Difficult Child calls later, we do not answer he pleading on answering machine to please pick up. I answer he wants a ride I say sorry no. He starts in with if you cared etc....I hang up.

Later that night 1st born shows me and hubby post Difficult Child put on Facebook here it is:
" I failed to realize I had a loveing family till I pushed them away or scared them off I regreat every bad thing I said or did too them .. I would still die just to see them happy or smile if I had to it's a hard time for all of us and I gotta stay strong and make my family proud and my grandpa.. I'd do anything just to have another week with my grandpa he taught me so much and it's time I used it. And I hope one day to be able to sit down wit him and talk about good things time I got my life on track ‼‼‼‼‼ "

I think we'll this could be manipulation, mental illness, beginnings of change or something else. Hubby thinks maybe he is starting to get it.

I then go to Difficult Child s page and see post from 1 hour before: it's a picture that says "the realist on your team is your mom. She been there through everything. No matter who left she was and always will be there 100". Then Difficult Child comments above that picture of the saying "Ha... if only this were true"

Wow, I see no change. Maybe it is mental illness maybe manipulation. Well regardless Difficult Child needs help refuses there is nothing more to do. I am not giving up hope there is nothing more I can do. It seems like the closer Christmas gets the harder it is getting. Maybe it's just me. I am thankful for the callous that has formed over my heart because it is somewhat protected. Normally all of this would have set everything spinning. Hubby and 1st born said maybe he is changing, he thought about things and posted about messing up. I just say those are just words and look at what he posted just an hour before - Difficult Child can do something about his situation put action to those words and show me you are trying and making progress. That is not happening which shows me there is no change.

Continuing to stand strong. I have a sponsor in ALA Non, another blessing from this site. Thank you for encouragement to go to Ala non, I have been going 2 times a week and it helps to, my toolbox is growing.

You all on this site help me stay a strong warrior mom. Thank you for your feedback, listening, caring and prayers.

Well off to mom's for our annual baking frenzy for Christmas goodies. 2 days of baking. I am going to have a blast.

Hugs, Hopeful