Bully

[crazymama30]

difficult child is getting bullied on the way to and from school, but not on school grounds. This boy bullied difficult child last year, and difficult child was in day care with him and they fought there too. I have talked to difficult child and I THINK he understands how important it is to tell an adult at school. He says why, it's not on school grounds. I said they can talk to the boy, he needs to tell someone. I will call the principal tommorrow on the qt tommorrow and let him know what I know, and ask him to please not tell difficult child I called him.


This is so frustrating. Finally difficult child decides not to be a bully, thats not cool, and now this again? I do know that the bully is also a major difficult child, which makes me feel compassionate towards the parents.

 

[klmno]

Do you know anything about the other kid's parents? Do you think you could call and discuss the situation with them and get cooperation on working something out- like sitting down with the kids and talking about what is going on or even the other parents just dealing with their difficult child?

 

[crazymama30]

Nope, I know nothing about his parents. I really do not feel comfortable doing that as I just do not know them. I heard, thru the grapevine, that he has ADHD, but we all know there could be more than that going on. I know that the boy was on medications last year, but the medications did not seem to do much. I have been there too.

 

[BusynMember]

The school is probably not (but not 100% sure) responsible for what happens to and from school. If they can't do anything, I WOULD contact the parents, even if you don't know them. You can be perfectly nice and feel them out to see if they'll help you.
Otherwise, can you drive him and pick him up?

 

[crazymama30]

I realize the school is not responsible for what happens off school grounds, but difficult child has been suspended before for incidents at his old bus stop? that must be different. I just want it documented somewhere that he is not the cause of this problem and I want the fact we/he complained about it documented as well.

I do not condone fighting, however I do not think my child should be victimized. I think if no one can defend him, he should be able to defend himself. Whether he will or not is another matter, and hopefully it will not come to that. I am leery about approaching the parents, because so many view that as tattling and then difficult child could have more repurcussions. There is also the fact that his parents could encourage this type of behavior as "manly" .


I cannot pick him up from school every day, I could on some days. but I do not know if he would want me to.

 

[klmno]

The way it is here- if it's at bus stop or on bus, then school can get involved. If they are walking through neighborhood, it is not a school issue. If you aren't comfortable speaking with the parents, you might be able to file a police report in order to get it documented. However, if they are reasonable, unaware parents, this could obviously prevent future cooperation.

 

[jenn4anthony]

so the school is not responsible for what happens to your difficult child...okay we all get that...in my opinion, they should care because this is happening to one of their students regardless, and, first and foremost your child is a person.

i think you should contact the parents whether you know when well enough or not. they should be aware as to what their child is doing to your child and to other children. the principal should also be made aware as to what is going on.

your difficult child should be protected. if need be, you may want to consider getting the other child's teacher and your child's teacher involved. something has to give here, and, you cannot be the only one that cares.

i think you should let the parents, prinicipal and the teachers know what is going on, and, the bus driver if they take a bus. While I understand that you cannot be every single place your difficult child is, you can protect him and should be able to protect him to the best of your ability.

I wish you nothing but luck, and, wish you and your child much success with getting this resolved. Many hugs!

 

[daralex]

So sorry to hear of your difficulties. we went through this for many years - it's heartbreaking! Is there another adult/friend/older kid who could be a bus stop "monitor"? I wish i had a quick and easy answer but we still haven't found one. I had to pick my difficult child up to and from school until I finally pulled her out. Sometimes the bus stop was more traumatic than school. I feel your pain and sending big ((hugs)) your way!!!

 

[gcvmom]

I am leery about approaching the parents, because so many view that as tattling and then difficult child could have more repurcussions. There is also the fact that his parents could encourage this type of behavior as "manly" .

I understand your apprehension, however, I have to say that bullying is abuse, and abuse is simply NEVER O.K. and should NEVER be tolerated. I think you risk sending a message to difficult child that it's okay to put up with this if you don't act on it. It may take some creative thinking, but there's got to be a way to address this constructively. I'd definitely consult the school admin on the q.t. and find out if they can help in any way. Your difficult child may not be the only victim here, either.

 

[BusynMember]

I don't think the school doesn't care (and I"m no cheerleader of how school districts treat our difficult children), but I don't know if they CAN get involved if it doesn't happen at school (or on the bus/bus stop). I know if it were my kid, I would contact the parents OR the police (I like that idea).

 

[crazymama30]

I am contacting the school this morning, as soon as I drop difficult child off. Just for clarity, there is no bus stop here. We live close enough that he walks. I did not say that the school does not care, I said that when he walks to school if someone bullies him, they are not responsible for that. I do think they care, and I am hoping that the principal talking to the other boy will help. They are only in fourth and fifth grade.

I balk at contacting the police, because right now difficult child is easily embarassed, and I am trying to help him build self esteem and become aware of how people view him and he is!! I am really trying to get him to take some of these steps. I would love him to go to the principal today, and I will encourage it even though I will still call.

 

[Coookie]

My thoughts are with you and your difficult child. It is so hard to watch this happen. Good luck with whatever you decide to do and I hope whatever it is will put a stop to this.

Hugs

 

[crazymama30]

I talked to difficult child on the way to school about why he should tell the principal, and about an 1hr later I got a msg from the acting principal (principal is out for the day) that difficult child had gone and talked to him about the bully. While the problem is not solved, he did the right thing. I wanted to give him a chance to and he did. I did call the school and let them know there was a bully problem and I wanted to let difficult child have a chance to tell them himselves. That way if he did not tell them they would call me and ask for details.

They talked about ways to avoid the other boy, staying at school a few more minutes before walking home, etc. While this is not perfect, I am glad they are aware of the problem.

 

[DazedandConfused]

Please double check the laws of your state about whether, or not, the school can be held accountable for behavior that happens off school grounds.

In California, the school can met out consequences for behavior that violates school rules and policies, even if done off campus. That would include bullying after school, or on the way to, or from school.

Here's how the actual code reads:

A pupil may be suspended or expelled for
acts that are enumerated in this section and related to school
activity or attendance that occur at any time, including, but not
limited to, any of the following:
(1) While on school grounds.
(2) While going to or coming from school.
(3) During the lunch period whether on or off the campus.
(4) During, or while going to or coming from, a school sponsored

It also allows the principal to use other forms of discipline that aren't quite so severe. The point is, it doesn't have to actually happen on school campus. Plus, find out for yourself, don't automatically take the principal's word that he, or she, cannot do anything about it.

 

['Chelle]

Here, as well, behaviors between home and school can be dealt with in the school. Your child wouldn't be there if he didn't have to go to school, being bullied by a child in the same school can affect his school life, it is up to the school to see your child is safe, so it becomes a school responsibility as well even if it happens off school grounds. I'm glad your difficult child was able to go to the principal and tell him. I would also say that you should tell him if it continues you WILL become involved such as talking to principal and other parents It's lets your child know that it's up to you as his parent to see him safe and happy and you will act on his behalf.

 

[nvts]

Hi! I'm pretty sure that if it's a school bus, they're supposed to be involved. If it's a city bus, it's still sort of a grey area.

Either way, you need to let difficult child know how proud you are that he's not reacted to the bullying.

In the meantime, I'd make sure that the school was aware of the situation so that if difficult child DOES react in a weak moment, the harrassment has been documented. When you speak to the school, make it clear that difficult child didn't want you to call. If you're comfortable with the person you're speaking with, you could suggest that they say that someone called the school and described the child doing the bullying and the route being taken. They can then "interview" all of the kids on the bus stop or who walk along the same route and discern who the guilty part is.

Two things here: 1. difficult child isn't being "perceived" as being a big baby and 2. all of the kids will "know" that someone (an adult) sees what they're up to and doesn't mind calling the school.

It's a win/win situation!

Beth

 

[susiestar]

In this state, and in one other we lived in, it certainly IS considered the school's problem to deal with bullying behaviors. If you want the absolute truth on this, call and report it to the Superintendent's secretary. That is how I found out about it here. It may be in the student conduct policy, but not alway. Our principal told me flat out that he could not control behaviors on the bus, nor would he even try because he didn't know all the other kids.

My oldest child DID know the other kids. So after unsuccessful calls to transportation, I called the Superintendent's office. His secretary took a report, asked questions (I did NOT rat out the principal - just said I assumed it was a district issue, not a school issue) and let her handle it.

There sure was a fire burning under the principal when he called me!! Wanted to know WHY I called, I told him and did get results.

If the other child goes to school with your son, or in the same district, chances are it IS a school problem. If he attends a different school in the district, the principals should owrk together. Sometimes it takes effort to get this to happen.

Hugs for him, it is HARD to report this to an adult at many ages.

Susie

 

[crazymama30]

I did not hear from the principal today, but I work a 12 hr shift Fridays, and they know that. I have a meeting on Wednesday with IEP team that includes the principal re some testing the school psychiatric did with difficult child, so I will bring it up there if necessary. I am sure the school psychiatric will be supportive of difficult child's actions as he has done the right thing. I am sure the school will do something, I am just not sure yet. The bully may also have threatened to "kill" difficult child (something difficult child has done to others in the past.) so I know from experience that will result in a suspension. Or it had better, as difficult child was suspended. And most importantly, it is all documentated.

 

[pepperidge]

Another thought. I am sure you have a school resource officer (police). I would ask to the talk to him. He should be able to talk to the kid. The school resource officers can deal with things that happen off school grounds. The resource officer could also go and talk to the other parents and perhaps give you son some ideas on how to handle things.

 

[Marguerite]

In Australia, the school is responsible for bullying by a student outside school, if the student was on the way to school or on the way home. They also have discretion - difficult child 3 was bullied by a kid who had already arrived home but had gone out again, but was still in school uniform. difficult child 3 was not even a student at the school when the incident happened - he enrolled two days later.

You can also get the police involved. We've been told (now) that we should have called the police for every incident of physical attack. The police may not come out to see us each time, they told us, but by calling them we are leaving a very important paper trail. If I HAD called the police in past attacks, then when I finally DID call the cops when they drew blood by throwing a log at his head, the police would not have treated it as an isolated attack.

Now I call the police. I also have told the local school who don't HAVE to do anything (by then the kids have arrived home and are out of uniform) but because it's a small village and the bullies bring that behaviour into the school grounds, it is in the school's interests to resolve it all.

We have been advised to NOT take matters into our own hands. I wanted to go talk to the other parents - I was advised not to, so I didn't. It leaves things too wide open for retribution without a paper trail. A nasty bullying parent can make false accusations on you (for trespass, for attacking their child etc) and you're stuck like a shag on a rock.
I've spoken to attacker's parents TWICE. Once, the problems stopped (but only because I said, "from here we all make a fresh start.") The other time, the parent refused to accept that his son was the aggressor, and the kid is now a real thorn in our sides, vandalising our place whenever he thinks he can get away with it. I've tried to make friends with the kid, but to no avail. I'm the enemy, because I know the truth about him. So how on earth could he ever believe I could be friends with him?

Bullying requires an appropriate, considered response. Failure to respond only teaches the bullies that this is allowable behaviour. Also, some bullies are victims themselves, at some level and at some time. If this goes untended, a child can continue to be in danger. Appropriate intervention can help both bully and victim.

Marg