Burnt out in KY

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by dstc_99, Oct 30, 2012.

  1. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I am new here and thought I would introduce myself. I am a military wife and mother of two beautiful girls. The oldest suffers from ODD and the youngest from ADD and anxiety. My husband is currently deployed and I am working full time while attending college and supporting the girls afterschool activities.

    All in all I am exhausted. I spend my days trying to fade into the background and not upset the oldest who is 17 and determined to make me pay for everything that goes on in her life. On the oposite side of that I spend the rest of my time reassuring my youngest that she is loved and trying to be a part of her life. The youngest is very needy! I swear she hugs me 10 times a day and wants to lay all over me all the time and she is almost 13 at this point.

    I just cant seem to find a balance and feel like I am failing both of them. We are all in therapy to help with it but honestly I don't feel much is changing. Any advice on how to parent without getting emotionally beaten by an angry teen who gets irrational and harms herself? Oh year and on how to show the younger one all the attention she needs without causing further drama with the oldest?

  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Welcome to t he board, although I'm very sorry that you had a need to find us. I do have some questions and concerns about your situation and hope you can shed more light.

    Have either of them ever been evaluated by a neuropsychologist? I'm thinking that perhaps those diagnosis. are not correct. ODD is considered by many of us as a not very useful diagnosis and it is rarely given to a teenager of seventeen years old! ADD alone can be a lot of other things too. The fact that she likes to lay on you, more like a younger child, makes me wonder about sensory issues. I just think they should be evaluated again by somebody with more expertise than whomever diagnosed them the last time they were evaluated. You may be able to get more insight with a neuropsychologist. Honestly, I had no idea somebody as old as seventeen could even get a diagnosis. of ODD. Can you tell us more about their lives and behaviors? Do they have friends? What are their strengths and weaknesses? How did they behave as babies and young children? Any quirky behavior? Drug abuse?

    I am no t convinced you have the entire picture of your girls...others will come along :)
  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Hello and welcome!

    It's hard when you have two very different kids with two very different sets of needs. What helped for me was to take a step back and look at the big picture: was the difficult child going to be upset with me regardless of anything I did or didn't do? Yes. So why, then, was I trying so hard to make decisions based upon what would make her upset???

    Since your eldest is 17 - are you already hinting, pushing, shoving her out of the nest? What kinds of plans does she have for life after high school?

    And if your 13 year old still wants a lot of hugs? I don't see anything wrong with giving them.

    Here's one for you - (((hug)))
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome to the board. Not sure which branch you are but have you tried to access the family assistance services for help from them?
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi Sara,
    So sorry so many of us haven't been here to greet you; some of us are on the E. coast and recovering from Sandy. And Halloween. Kinda the same thing ...

    Do you have a diagnosis for either of your kids?

    One word of advice, just based on the little you have told us, I would NOT tiptoe around your 17-yr-old. She is manipulating by exploding. My thinking is, if my difficult child is going to hate me and blame me no matter what, I may as well do the right thing. Period. So we have had a LOT of explosions but in the end, I usually get him to do what I want. So take a deep breath and pretend you are a warrior. Our therapist, and the people on this board, call it Happy Warrior (still not sure about the happy part!). IOW, be prepared to do battle as a strong, capable person, but not vindictive or angry. It is very, very, very hard and takes practice.

    Many hugs. (P.S. you can tell your little one that Mom is going to do battle with-older sister and just to go plug her ears and read a book.)

  6. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    We are Army and honestly we try to avoid the military doctors as much as possible. When the kids were younger we tried it but they seemed to just keep flip flopping medications and doctors so we stopped dealing with them.
  7. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    We have not seen a neuropsychologist. Both children were diagnosis'd years ago around age 6 for each. The older one has refused treatment for years and when forced has refused to participate actively. The youngest has been on and off medication for ADD for a long time but has recently begun treatment for anxiety.

    Being military we move every 3 years or so which has made normal friendships difficult for all of us. The oldest is very attached to her grandfather and a friend she had in 6th grade who she is still in contact with. Other than that she does not have many friends and does not like people coming over to the house. She tends to fall head over heals for guys and twist herself around to meet their expectations. This has happened on multiple occasions since 7th grade and includes an abusive guy, a uber christian, and the current guy. Since meeting the current guy she has started self harming by attempting to choke herself with a cord and relieve her pain. She says she has no intention of killing herself she just want to relieve her pain. Pain from what we don't know but she constantly feels overwhelmed by her life of cheerleading and doing minimal chores like dishes and her own laundry. She has always been difficult. Even simple tasks like homework could end in head banging meltdowns when she was younger. Now she manages most things on her own but when she has to ask me for approval for her actions it all goes down hill when the answer is no.

    The youngest was difficult as a child. Poor eater, poor sleeper, difficult pregnancy, hyper, and just plain difficult to manage. However now she is easy except when she gets hyper which mostly consists of her mouth running non stop. She makes friends pretty easily but tends to gravitate towards the odd kids. I swear she can find the only nearly homeless kid in the classroom and adopt them. LOL She is very sensitive and wants to help everyone. She likes to be hugged and loved on constantly and would prefer to sleep with me every night of the week. She is not a mouthy child or a fighter but she is very needy. She is sensitive to noises but mostly to things like dogs barking constantly and or yelling/fighting. She still has problems with eating well, sleeping, and controlling her hyper activity.
  8. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I never thought I would be pushing her out but at this time I have looked it up and she graduates on May 22nd. I have informed her grandparents that she can move there on May 23rd if this keeps up. She plans to attend college which is part of the reason I am finally pushing her to learn to deal with her anger. If she gets a college roomate who wont put up with her $hit then it could get physical and cause major issues. Mom and Dad wont be there to talk her down or put an end to it.

    As for the 13 year old I give her plenty of hugs she just wants to be on me all the time. It is to the point where I am having to push her off because she weighs as much as a grown woman and wants to lay on my lap! LOL
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Youngest... sounds like some sensory issues going on. Has she ever had an Occupational Therapist (OT) evaluation? OTs have therapies and interventions and accommodations that help with sensory issues - and it may give her other answers rather than "you". Weighted blanket/vest for example.

    She's attracted to the "odd" kids (not the ODD kids... huge diff). Any chance she has some Aspie traits?