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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 174171" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Julia, if you identified so much with this thread, then even more do I stand by what I wrote to you, in your thread. And you can't force your daughter to ever see that you're the authority figure - she will never accept it that way. She needs to be shown a different way. Our difficult children CAN learn, they just need to find the way that works best for them because so often it's just that their brains are wired slightly differently. It's like how I had to learn my own way of handwriting, because I'm a left-hander. Learning to write at school with quill and ink, when you're a left-hander - you have to find the way that won't smudge the ink. Nobody taught me, because allowing left-handers to REMAIN left-handers was very new and all my teachers were right-handers. But I worked out my own way and from that point I could keep up. In contrast, my eldest sister was forced to change to using her right hand and for some time was VERY much a difficult child as a result.</p><p></p><p>It is difficult here, for us to 'hear' the nuance of a tone of voice, but I can 'hear' Heather's daughter's sense of aggrieved entitlement because it is so familiar to me, also. difficult child 3 still comes out with this sort of stuff especially with husband, but to much less extent.</p><p></p><p>Because I never saw easy child 2/difficult child 2 as having a problem, I never did what I should have with her, and really worked on this sort of problem. As a result, she is a problem NOW, and at 21 it's really a bit too late. WHen I look at how my girl is now, and look back (with the benefit of the "retrospectroscope" for using 20:20 hindsight) I CAN see the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) component in her which was so well masked by her astronomically high IQ.</p><p></p><p>The brighter they are, the better they are at SEEMING normal. But it is like the swan on the lake - it looks so peaceful and serene as it glides, but we never get to see all the furious activity beneath the surface, which is needed to make all that serenity seem so effortless.</p><p></p><p>In another thread Heather has shown how a change in her response to her daughter seems to be bringing results. Sometimes it takes less than we thought. Underneath it all, I think Heather's daughter is looking for predictability and structure, while Heather was perhaps trying to placate and give her daughter some space (which is what a lot of parents would think their child would value). But sometimes a difficult child, especially one who underneath it all is still feeling very unsure of herself) really craves conformity and predictability. It just seems out of character, for a Goth!</p><p></p><p>And Heather, on the Goth topic - I posted a song in Watercooler for you, to help you smile again at your daughter. husband found it for me, it very much applies to easy child 2/difficult child 2.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 174171, member: 1991"] Julia, if you identified so much with this thread, then even more do I stand by what I wrote to you, in your thread. And you can't force your daughter to ever see that you're the authority figure - she will never accept it that way. She needs to be shown a different way. Our difficult children CAN learn, they just need to find the way that works best for them because so often it's just that their brains are wired slightly differently. It's like how I had to learn my own way of handwriting, because I'm a left-hander. Learning to write at school with quill and ink, when you're a left-hander - you have to find the way that won't smudge the ink. Nobody taught me, because allowing left-handers to REMAIN left-handers was very new and all my teachers were right-handers. But I worked out my own way and from that point I could keep up. In contrast, my eldest sister was forced to change to using her right hand and for some time was VERY much a difficult child as a result. It is difficult here, for us to 'hear' the nuance of a tone of voice, but I can 'hear' Heather's daughter's sense of aggrieved entitlement because it is so familiar to me, also. difficult child 3 still comes out with this sort of stuff especially with husband, but to much less extent. Because I never saw easy child 2/difficult child 2 as having a problem, I never did what I should have with her, and really worked on this sort of problem. As a result, she is a problem NOW, and at 21 it's really a bit too late. WHen I look at how my girl is now, and look back (with the benefit of the "retrospectroscope" for using 20:20 hindsight) I CAN see the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) component in her which was so well masked by her astronomically high IQ. The brighter they are, the better they are at SEEMING normal. But it is like the swan on the lake - it looks so peaceful and serene as it glides, but we never get to see all the furious activity beneath the surface, which is needed to make all that serenity seem so effortless. In another thread Heather has shown how a change in her response to her daughter seems to be bringing results. Sometimes it takes less than we thought. Underneath it all, I think Heather's daughter is looking for predictability and structure, while Heather was perhaps trying to placate and give her daughter some space (which is what a lot of parents would think their child would value). But sometimes a difficult child, especially one who underneath it all is still feeling very unsure of herself) really craves conformity and predictability. It just seems out of character, for a Goth! And Heather, on the Goth topic - I posted a song in Watercooler for you, to help you smile again at your daughter. husband found it for me, it very much applies to easy child 2/difficult child 2. Marg [/QUOTE]
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