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Bye bye birdie!
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 98961" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>With mother in law when things were bad, we took her away from her wallowing place and got her out and about (and distracted). Her sister died, so we brought her to stay with us (this was before she moved - it helped her decide to move close to us) and also husband's cousins, daughters of another sister who had died some years earlier, came to visit and also commiserate. We all went out for coffee and had a hilarious "remember when?" time.</p><p></p><p>My mother also used to get maudlin round anniversary time. As a result, the anniversaries built up and up, until September became the time of year when she remembered her sister; her parents; her aunt (who was like a sister) and her husband (my father). She died within a day or two of the anniversary of his death. She had just given up (with some very good reasons piled on top of it all). But anniversaries can be very distressing, if you allow yourself to wallow. And think - would those loved ones want the day of their death to be a constant reminder to be sad? Surely they would want their lives celebrated with joy and fun memories!</p><p></p><p>It's easy to wallow. You can also milk sympathy, which justifies the maudlin episode. But you can also celebrate and not feel guilty.</p><p></p><p>If you can, nag him to visit. Tell him you need him with you. And because you ARE doing things differently, this extra break with tradition should help him enjoy the day more, than he would otherwise. You can set a place for your mother if you want, or simply put a happy photo somewhere or pass round the photo album full of happy memories (note - if you do, take notes of what he says, such stuff is gold).</p><p></p><p>A friend of ours came to our place for Christmas, a few months after his marriage broke up. His wife (who was one of my best friends) was very selfish and always got what she wanted, so she had the kids for the whole of Christmas and New Year.</p><p>So he came to stay with us for a week. He did very little other than sit in a corner doing things on his computer (long before the Internet; he had set up his computer on our dining table, we just celebrated around him). I poked food at him every so often; we opened gifts around him, shoved a few in his direction - he just wanted to be near people but to not have to participate. So we left him alone except at feeding time. Friends dropped in, said hello, he said hello back and went back to the computer. He was not so alone and therefore happier; we could see he was still eating and breathing, so we were happier. It worked out for all of us. It may have seemed odd, but to be surrounded by a certain amount of normality without actually having to do anything - it was what he needed.</p><p></p><p>So do try and get your dad to visit. And if he feels like crying a bit, then let him. Or join him. Then do what we did - go out for coffee. It's what your mother would want, I'm sure.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 98961, member: 1991"] With mother in law when things were bad, we took her away from her wallowing place and got her out and about (and distracted). Her sister died, so we brought her to stay with us (this was before she moved - it helped her decide to move close to us) and also husband's cousins, daughters of another sister who had died some years earlier, came to visit and also commiserate. We all went out for coffee and had a hilarious "remember when?" time. My mother also used to get maudlin round anniversary time. As a result, the anniversaries built up and up, until September became the time of year when she remembered her sister; her parents; her aunt (who was like a sister) and her husband (my father). She died within a day or two of the anniversary of his death. She had just given up (with some very good reasons piled on top of it all). But anniversaries can be very distressing, if you allow yourself to wallow. And think - would those loved ones want the day of their death to be a constant reminder to be sad? Surely they would want their lives celebrated with joy and fun memories! It's easy to wallow. You can also milk sympathy, which justifies the maudlin episode. But you can also celebrate and not feel guilty. If you can, nag him to visit. Tell him you need him with you. And because you ARE doing things differently, this extra break with tradition should help him enjoy the day more, than he would otherwise. You can set a place for your mother if you want, or simply put a happy photo somewhere or pass round the photo album full of happy memories (note - if you do, take notes of what he says, such stuff is gold). A friend of ours came to our place for Christmas, a few months after his marriage broke up. His wife (who was one of my best friends) was very selfish and always got what she wanted, so she had the kids for the whole of Christmas and New Year. So he came to stay with us for a week. He did very little other than sit in a corner doing things on his computer (long before the Internet; he had set up his computer on our dining table, we just celebrated around him). I poked food at him every so often; we opened gifts around him, shoved a few in his direction - he just wanted to be near people but to not have to participate. So we left him alone except at feeding time. Friends dropped in, said hello, he said hello back and went back to the computer. He was not so alone and therefore happier; we could see he was still eating and breathing, so we were happier. It worked out for all of us. It may have seemed odd, but to be surrounded by a certain amount of normality without actually having to do anything - it was what he needed. So do try and get your dad to visit. And if he feels like crying a bit, then let him. Or join him. Then do what we did - go out for coffee. It's what your mother would want, I'm sure. Marg [/QUOTE]
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