Call him out?

Marcie Mac

Just Plain Ole Tired
Honestly, I don't know that there is a man cure for this - my house is 2,000 square foot, and living with three men, I see the same thing - size is all relative when it comes to men and their men stuff. No different from guys who are doing farming stuff and guys who work with a friend cleaning storage buildings LOL- I am on SO like white on rice when it comes to his stuff and where he puts it and do it when I see him comming in the house with this "stuff"- honestly, I will follow him around - what are you doing with that, where are you going with that, I KNOW you are not going to leave that here, or there. We have a closet that goes an entire length of the wall - me, I have about one forth of it-he has the rest. And I will find his stuff on one of the shelves in my part, cause he didn't have "room"- its promptly thrown on his side of the bed, where he will start to grumble about not having any space for his "stuff". Same with the boys and my dining room - they will take apart computers in there and then leave the boxes, spare computer parts, shirts cause you know its impossible to put together a computer with a shirt on. There is a closet by the front door for coats - and they are hung on the chairs instead. I have a spare bedroom but you wouldn't know it because it is a catch all for SO's and Danny's "stuff"-the garage is full of tools found at storage that are never going to be used but taken because its too good to throw away. One table saw is sufficent, the other 4 are just taking space

He has actually brought home one of those large portable sheds - we put it together and I said ok, tools for the yard go in there -made him go get all of the lawn stuff from the garage and put them in the shed. Didn't have a lot of stuff just a wheelbarrow, bags of mulch, a rake, shovel, one ladder and some misc digging tools, my spare pots - don't own a lawnmower because I have a GARDENER. This erecting of the shed gave him a green light to bring home that kind of stuff he found in storage. Ok, dude, do we need 14 shovels, really, 14?? The gardener is very happy to come to my house every week because I give him a lot of free stuff. Last week he got like 4 tree trimming tools (we have ONE tree in the front yard that doesn't need to be trimmed)

Sorry, didn't mean to go off on a vent. My system is after something is cleaned to shadow whatever person is in that room - pain in the tush, but it helps. I am told I am annoying with the "what are you doing with that, why are you putting that there, I just cleaned this room up, but it works somewhat. If I see that the boys cook, take their food to their room, come back out with dirty dishes, I meet them in the kitchen with the "I know you are not leaving that stuff for me to wash" - then stand there till dishes are started to be washed

And the only laundry I do is my own-I will, if asked, take stuff out of the washer to put in dryer, or dryer to their laundry basket and put it in their rooms if they are rushing off to work, and if I have time, occasionally fold their stuff. Everyone in the house works so I don't need to be doing anyone else's stuff cept my own - grown a**ed men can do their own laundry.

Marcie
 

AnnieO

Shooting from the Hip
The counselor is telling you to nit pick at husband. Call him out for everything he does that upsets you. Does this include hanging the toilet paper backwards? That makes me CRAZY. Fortunately, husband hangs it the same way I do. But seriously - I'll be honest... If my husband's counselor told him to tell me every.single.time. I did something that annoys him? After about 2 days I'd turn around and blast his head off. Forget passive aggressive. I'd explode.

So... To me? It seems like either 1. This counselor sees it ending and is trying to push it along or 2. The counselor meant only the huge things, but at this point? EVERYTHING is huge.
 

DaisyFace

Love me...Love me not
The counselor is telling you to nit pick at husband. Call him out for everything he does that upsets you.
So... To me? It seems like either 1. This counselor sees it ending and is trying to push it along or 2. The counselor meant only the huge things, but at this point? EVERYTHING is huge.

Yeah...I wondered about the counselor, too...

But I'm thinking maybe the counselor is starting from a "communication" problem. The counselor probably assumes that Shari is not communicating effectively - therefore husband has no idea that these things are problems because Shari doesn't say anything until she is already upset...and if poor husband only knew it was a problem, well, then , of COURSE he would fix it.

It's all about communication. Once you fix that, the problems solve themselves.

(That will be $300, please)



Yeah, the counselor has NO idea...
 

Shari

IsItFridayYet?
Oh, forgot to say I do put all off-season stuff in plastic boxes in the shed. Under bed is already used for sheets, mattress pads, Wee's waterproof pads, etc, and husband's gun cases, and his dog.
 

Shari

IsItFridayYet?
No, I dont get to call him out on everything that annoys me. I get to call him out on the things that he slacks off on that result in creating more work for me. I am to be retraining him. I am "teaching" him what his parents never did. I am teaching him to "respect" me and my boundaries. IOW, I am flippin' parenting him.

The TP thing doesn't bother me, but if it did, it wouldn't qualify as something I can call him out on, because it still "works" even if its hung backwards. We don't even have a TP holder, so that's not even an issue. And the toilet seat is never down - I live with a bunch of men, I adjusted.
 

AnnieO

Shooting from the Hip
Gun cases? Under the bed? What about the closet are for gun supplies? Don't these count as supplies?
 

Star*

call 911........call 911
AND......what Marcie said.

It's so funny because the ENTIRE den is DF's man-getter place and (not kidding in the least here) if I even leave a hair tie on the coffee table in the den? And to see the den you would just (gack) He will get up, pick up that hair tie, and take it IN THE HOUSE, and put it ONE the end of the kitchen counter and make a bid deal every single time and say (literally announce) "Oh honey bee - You left your hair tie out in the den."

It smokes me like a Christmas ham, and I swear to you - he does NOT do it on purpose it's like that ONE thing makes his entire episode of hoarders off balance. It used to smoke me - NOW? I just see it, pick it up and put it in it's neat little plastic 3 drawer (bottom one) cubicle sterelite organizer. lol.

I finally got DF's closet and armoire organized - and he did agree that he feels better with less. MAJOR accomplishment. I think men are collectors - they enjoy STUFF. It must be primal. And I take heed to that bumper sticker - He who dies with the most JUNK wins. I believe it's in their DNA. It doesn't say anything about He who dies with the most organized junk wins. If you happen to get lucky and HAVE a man that is organized and not messy? Don't ever complain about not winning at the lottery. You already have.

Daisy? If you read this your help was needed in the coupon post -
 

KTMom91

Well-Known Member
Shari, I have to agree with Step. It seems to me that your husband is putting more effort into being aggravating than into cooperating. When I divorced Useless Boy, of course he had NO IDEA why, and I was very clear once again that I was too young to raise a 35 year old child, and that if I had to do everything, I was going to do everything alone.

And then, his P/A kicked in, and he managed to delay the divorce another 6 months by signing that he had received the certified copy of the hearing papers on February 31. Sigh.

Many, many hugs.
 

Shari

IsItFridayYet?
And there-in, Step, lies a big chunk of our problem. Cause even if something HAS a home? Its highly unlikely he'll ever put it there....

A couple years after he moved in, we spent an entire weekend in Sept cleaning out and organizing ALL the sheds because he was getting so angry at the boys for never putting anything back where they found it. So I asked him, where, pray-tell, do these things go? And he had no answer. I said you can't expect them to put something away when there is no away place to put it. They find it where it was last used...they put it where they found it...where it was last used. At the time, there were 4 people using stuff..."last used" was pretty darned open to interpretation. So I said, ok, lets fix this problem. We all spent the weekend cleaning, throwing out, making piles of like items and discussing where they should "live", and creating homes for everything.

The ramps, oil drain pans, chains and booms are all to go on the east wall of the kennel barn. We spent a little money to buy those heavy duty hooks to put on the wall to hold the ramps and chains. All of the coolers and camping stuff went on the shelves in the machine shed along the back wall. We bought a metal shelving unit to add to the shelves already there for it. My scroll saw was put on a heavy table in the shop, and the skill saw, jig saw, and belt sander, etc went in the cupboards.

Jumper cables, tools, battery chargers, etc went on the north wall of the kennel barn. Tack that we use in the tack room, everything else in storage containers in the loft. easy child 1 welded hooks out of horse shoes - 2 for each horse. One set is in the tack room for each horse's bridle, and one set outside the door for each horse's halter and lead rope. Bought 7 good saddle racks and mounted in the tack room for the saddles, and built 2 harness racks for the harness. Gardening tools went in the old well house. Put hooks on the wall for hoes. Did the same in the shop for shovels, etc. fencing supplies are in a wooden box in the machine shed. Steel posts and wooden posts are in the corner on the back wall.

None of it has ever been used by husband beyond that first day. EVER. If you had to catch all of the horses at one time, you couldn't do it. Couldn't find enough lead ropes and halters. Lead ropes are tied all over the place. One is being used as the rope to an old pulley he found and put up in the kennel barn. Never used it. Don't know why its there. but it required one of our long lead ropes. Another is tying a gate shut. Another is in the garden. There's one on the sidewalk at the house, just lying there, rotting. I just found the booms that we own the other day rounding up batteries to take to the recycle place. They are thrown in with the fence posts. I am taking them, painting them, and hiding them at this point. one set of ramps is lying in the yard, where husband threw them. The others are probably at his folks. I finally gave easy child 1 the third set that was mine so husband would stop blaming him for taking the others (cause it wasn't easy child). One of husband's old wooden ramps that he can't find is blocking a hole in the chicken fence. I didn't put it there, and I highly doubt easy child 1 did, either.

he mowed the extension cord he used to charge the battery in my old car and then didn't pick up. Along with jumper cables he used to try to jump start it. And a lariat that he left in the yard. The pieces of all of these items? He cleaned out of the mower and left lying, to be mowed again.

And he decided to put a bumper on the little truck he's driving so he can "pull stuff" cause its too big of a pain to come home and get a truck. So he now has a solid steel bumper on a 1984 rusty to the point of breaking S10 that I've spent more money to get on the road than cost initially to buy. We don't own a trailer smaller than 16ft. Exactly WHAT is he going to pull with that? And why, when we have 2 3/4 ton diesel trucks? And ya know, I wouldn't have really cared, but he screwed up the lights on the truck when he put the bumper on, and it had to go to the shop to get fixed, and he had it so screwd up, they had to put a new wiring harness in the truck to fix it. And I haven't even gotten the bill, nor do I really want to. It will probably be $200+ and the mechanic told him he wouldn't pull a radio flyer little red wagon with it for fear it will pull the truck in two (its that rusty).

inside is no different. Stuff is just stuck here, there, and everywhere. I have filing boxes for important things. He has titles to his old truck and at least 2 trailers in a popcorn tin that he can't locate. A small lunch-box size igloo cooler on top of the porch fridge has trailer parts, led auto lights, 4 or 5 measuring tapes, some tax receipts, and a plastic thing to put fishing line on a reel in it. Last I looked. Its full. So now he has a fruit box up there, too, that he's started putting a similar assortment of stuff in. None of which even belongs in the house, let alone in a cooler on top of a fridge.

There's a climbing deer stand right outside the door on the ground. It was on the porch.

I just can't keep up with it unless I give up my life and just do nothing but run around and pick up the pieces behind him. Its just not humanly possible. So its either even the load, or reduce the load, and this is his chance to even the load, cause I already told him, he's not gonna like it if I start reducing it.
 
Last edited:

Shari

IsItFridayYet?
Shari--

I'm not sure this is an issue that would be 'solved' by calling him on it.

I think the best you can probably do is come up with a system that won't bother YOU so much.

Maybe ditch the shelves and get some under-the-bed containers for husband's clothing? Out of sight - out of mind.

Or create some more space by putting off-season clothing in a box in the garage.

Something whereby you don't have to look at the mess day after day after day....

Df, I'm all for it, but I'm out of ideas. I don't want the place to look trashy; I'm tired of that, but I don't even care about that if its something that works for keeping stuff up off the floor and out of my space and not rewashing stuff. I'd love to have someone come in and give me a system that works.
 

DaisyFace

Love me...Love me not
Df, I'm all for it, but I'm out of ideas.

Your husband is so extreme...I'm out of ideas myself!

In our house certain areas are for husband to keep his junk in...and certain areas are for me. And we're usually pretty good about respecting each other's space.

Your husband would drive me crazy! The disrespect he shows you is inexcusable.

Why isn't counseling focusing on basic RESPECT?
 

Star*

call 911........call 911
Is it ----that when you both are IN counseling - husband does all the nodding and uh huhing, and agreeing with the fury of a 12 mule team - and then when he gets to the house? It's like "PFT----whatever." and by the time you all roll around back to counseling- you are so worn out, and stressed you have forgotten 1/2 of the indiscretions and things he has done or NOT done because you are so busy that you just don't have time to (as it were) KEEP SCORE? So that when you are sitting there with the counselor - and he says "How's it going?" INSTEAD of really blasting out what you feel or going down a laundry list of "HOW DO I FEEL? Let me get out my list and tell you how my week with husband has gone." and let 'er rip - you maybe just sit there and say "WEll okay I guess except for (and name one or two things you CAN remember because you're so tired."

IF (and I'm guessing) but IF this is the case (because this is what happened to me with Dude) I was too tired to name all the JUNK that he did - and essentially by the time I got to therapy HE was getting away with MURDER....and KNEW it - like a kid sitting there praying I would forget this, and that and OH jheez I hope she doesn't bring THAT up -and most times I didn't. I was worn out. The therapist suggested I keep a note pad. During the week I could choose to or not to write down my pet peeves and either address them or NOT address them as I saw fit - CALL him on it - or NOT call him on it - but WRITE IT DOWN....date it - and time it and write a brief what I did. Then as I got to therapy - just RUN through it - and THAT WAS A HUGE difference to the therapist - because OTHERWISE?????? It sounds to HIM like - Meh ----things are pretty good. Except for that one thing or maybe two. When I started writing it down? HOLY HANDBAGS!!!!!! It was like - OKAY NOW we have something viable to work with - NOW we have a serious problem - but before that it was like - oneof those - "Wow - this must be the Mother not being a good Mother - issue, divorced, has new boyfriend/typical classic angry child scenario." And after the notebook? Yeah - we see ISSUES ----DEEP DEEP ISSUES and the focus went to THE CHILD and NOT the Mother. (believe me - The Mother (me) still had issues - but they were NOT the problems of the child.

Just sayin -
 

Shari

IsItFridayYet?
DF, counselor says he doesn't know HOW to respect. I get to teach him that, too. (yipee)

Star, I have started because I found that to be the case. I text myself on my phone. lol I could remember that there was 10 or 12 things, but I'd be so frustrated, I wouldn't remember what they were! So I started writing them down, and then I also found, I can prioritize, and if the list is big, I can just pick out the heavy hitters instead of the small stuff (this particular one would be, I think, small stuff - it can and has just lead to big stuff...so I'm not sure when to make the call on it).

One that really peeved me was a couple of weeks ago, he was kicking cgfg's horse because the horse doesn't know back, and I jumped all up in his business about it, 'cause I bought and paid for that horse, and I'll be you-know-what if he's gonna kick it to "teach" it to back. Not to mention what that teaches the kids. He got ticked off and stomped off and I called him on both counts right there. He said I am ALWAYS correcting him; everything he does. I asked for one other example, and, of course, he can give none, and blames his Learning Disability (LD) and memory problems. I said than you need to start either calling me out RIGHT THEN when I correct him unfairly, or writing it down to tell me later, cause I can't fix what I don't know is broken. And I have been painfully aware of my actions with him since, and not once have I caught myself "correcting" him. And as our last session approached, for the life of me, I couldn't recall that incident to save my life! The counselor had to reschedule, and I've since remembered and wrote it down, and have been writing things down since. But yeah, that was probably part of the problem, too.

And mostly, our sessions aren't even together. He goes to individual counseling with a man. The "together" counselor says we need to understand why he won't stand up to his parents before we can move forward much more than just my efforts to basically "parent" him. And that kinda/sorta makes sense. I guess. Kinda.

Doesn't make it any easier to live with him.
 

crazymama30

Active Member
Sounds like "our" bedroom. I put that in parenthesis because only in words is it "ours". My shoes get shoved under the bed as husband has stuff crammed 3ft high in the closes. There is stuff stacked on stuff. I give up. all I do is sleep in there, so I don't care. husband is the one who spends the most time there, it is just too much of a battle.
 
Top