difficult child refused to go to summer school yesterday, and then went into a rage attacking husband while demanding computer time. A scratched up and brused husband called me from his car while i was a a dr. appointment. I called 911 and police paid a visit & talked to him. husband & I are separated, so I can leave when it gets too abusive, but he can't. He just doesn't know what do do anymore with difficult child. it never gets better, and is so sad. difficult child later in the day became abusive again, but not as extreme. He's contrite and police when the officers are there, but it's all for show. I don't know what the options are for getting difficult child out of the house living in some kind of group home or residential. he is 16. I am out of hope. I used to always have some glimmer of hope... now i don't. I am glad though, and almost surprised at myself, for moving out 4 months ago. I'm still close by, but my address to difficult child is a secret, and will stay that way as I need my own psychological/physical space.
Called Police
- Thread starter MICHL
- Start date
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Unfortunately, for any group home, the child has to follow the rules. I'm not sure they even have group homes for children that young. You may do better trying for a residential treatment center.
Is this your biological son?
Is this your biological son?
mstang67chic
Going Green
Can't you or husband get him to the Er and admitted for 72 hours? If husband has bruises, I would think that would be enough. Have him tell the police that he wants difficult child transported to the ER as a danger to others.
Hugs.
Hugs.
JJJ
Active Member
Definitely have him transported to ER as a "danger to others". I would attempt to get help through the mental health system first. If you have private insurance, call them and ask what is covered and get a list of providers. Some plans cover a set number of days of inpatient/Residential Treatment Center (RTC). If you are uninsured or on Medicaid, call your local county mental health clinic.
There are also a large number of summer programs for teens. Google "struggling teens" or "wilderness programs for boys" or something similiar. You can also contact Boys Town and they are pretty good about steering people to resources in their area.
If you cannot access services through mental health, then you may need to have him arrested for battery and try and access some services through the juvenile justice system (not as good as mental health but can provide some respite for you).
If you have a local NAMI chapter, they should be able to tell you how 'the systems work' in your area.
There are also a large number of summer programs for teens. Google "struggling teens" or "wilderness programs for boys" or something similiar. You can also contact Boys Town and they are pretty good about steering people to resources in their area.
If you cannot access services through mental health, then you may need to have him arrested for battery and try and access some services through the juvenile justice system (not as good as mental health but can provide some respite for you).
If you have a local NAMI chapter, they should be able to tell you how 'the systems work' in your area.
TerryJ2
Well-Known Member
So sorry! He sounds like our difficult child. Computer, computer, computer.
We used to have that violence but our difficult child is now less violent, with-therapy, medications, maturity and oh, yeah--knowing that I have keys and can lock up his precious computer when ever I have to, and call the police if I need to.
Now he's "just" surly, demanding and mean.
I don't see a profile/signature for you so I don't know what medications he's on or what else you are doing with-him. Glad you have your own space though. That can save your sanity. (The police, can, too. They have a "calming" effect--or scared straight effect--on my difficult child.)
We used to have that violence but our difficult child is now less violent, with-therapy, medications, maturity and oh, yeah--knowing that I have keys and can lock up his precious computer when ever I have to, and call the police if I need to.
Now he's "just" surly, demanding and mean.
I don't see a profile/signature for you so I don't know what medications he's on or what else you are doing with-him. Glad you have your own space though. That can save your sanity. (The police, can, too. They have a "calming" effect--or scared straight effect--on my difficult child.)
ready2run
New Member
good for you, calling the police. you did the right thing. i'm glad you have a space to go to get away from it, i'm a bit jealous in a way. i'd love to be able to chose when i deal with difficult child and pass him off to husband when i can't deal with anymore and go on my way. 16 is def old enough to send somewhere. i don't know what programs are available to you where you are. here there is a program for cases when there is a threat of family breakdown because of a difficult child where the child is placed in foster care and the parents are given visitation for a period of time to let them gain back their sanity away from the child, but the child is eventually returned. wish i could remember what that is called. our difficult child was almost the youngest person to enter that program 2 years ago @ age 4 when the doctor finally agreed to medicate him. good luck, and dont put up with him hurting you or let him get away with hurting husband, seperated or not. your difficult child needs to learn his lesson before it's too late and he's off on his own.
Star*
call 911........call 911
Okay here's the thing......
IF he CAN (can being the operative word in this sentence) BEHAVE or (as you say be contrite) control himself when police are there? Then he CAN behave. This is not any pearl of wisdom from your Auntie Star. This is a fact from a very well -rounded, expensive, helpful, authored therapist we saw for years. Your son is NOT a child. He's 16 years old. So the potential IS there for him to KNOW when to control himself and HOW to control himself, it's just that he DOES NOT KNOW how to do it ALL.THE.TIME. This is where behavior modification therapy would be EXTREMELY helpful.
Refusing to do things? Part of being a kid, a teen, an angry child. It's the ONLY way he has right now to control a situation that HE otherwise? Has NO control over. HE IS ******. He's angry about a lot of things in his life and you, and your X have just gone on your merry way and left a wake of **** for him to sift out figuring that once the arguing and trouble between YOU and X calmed down the problems for your son would calm down too. IT DIDN'T. For him? It left him with MORE questions and MORE anger and a lot of it? He may not even be consciously aware of. It's just THERE. HE is 16, probably functioning with the emotions of about a 12 year old and added to that are the fact that he's falling behind in school, hates school, his parents are split up, he's a teenager and that alone in todays times are tough. The economy is tanking.....and he's angry. REALLY REALLY angry like you can NOT imagine and has NO PLACE to just GET ANGRY - and how to deal WITH what he's feeling. Sometimes you have to just get to thearpy or have a big brother person step in and be a mentor. At 16 - they really do NOT want to talk to and confide in US - but a total stranger MAY get them or get their attention or even their loyalties. Weird - but true.
He needs help-----and he's a bright kid. He's not a loss, he's just really frustrated...and YOU? You can't go to him and say ARE YOU MAD? Because it will make him shut you out even more. IF HE will not go to therapy (and he won't) THEN YOU and your X - need to put the BS aside for a while - and GET INTO THERAPY for HIS sake. Find out how to at least come together and Get on the same page and be a UNITED FRONT FOR YOUR KID - otherwise? You probably WILL loose him. Sad as it is to say that - he's living with Dad, angry at the world....and you two need to find middle ground and help fast. Help for your son. Eventually maybe there can be some resources - because at 16? The stakes and the consequences are NOW - ADULT consequences. Life in prison is now a reality - 30 years for burglary is NOW a reality. And these kids don't think. They react.
I sound harsh - but I've already lived it. I'm living it now. And we went to therapy.....and it DID help - not right then for our son, but now - and he's 20.
And if your X doesn't want to do this? THEN YOU GO. YOU GO and get some answers and ask questions to a professional that you are asking US - other parents. See if what I say is true. Because it may not be just such a truth as your circumstances may be a little different....all I can advise you on is how OUR life was - and go from my experiences...but between the lines what you wrote? This is what I see.
Glad you found us - It takes a lot of courage to step out of your comfort zone and call the police - and especially on your son. While it does make a paper trail? It's not the best answer all the time - And an out of home placement doesn't necessarily come unless you have a LOT OF PAPER TRAILS......and a LOT OF hospital visits. True - you both may need a respite - but I think your son needs a respite from his anger and needs to learn some Anger management techniques FIRST - before he can function ANYWHERE. THAT would help him in my humble opinion more than anything.
Hugs -
IF he CAN (can being the operative word in this sentence) BEHAVE or (as you say be contrite) control himself when police are there? Then he CAN behave. This is not any pearl of wisdom from your Auntie Star. This is a fact from a very well -rounded, expensive, helpful, authored therapist we saw for years. Your son is NOT a child. He's 16 years old. So the potential IS there for him to KNOW when to control himself and HOW to control himself, it's just that he DOES NOT KNOW how to do it ALL.THE.TIME. This is where behavior modification therapy would be EXTREMELY helpful.
Refusing to do things? Part of being a kid, a teen, an angry child. It's the ONLY way he has right now to control a situation that HE otherwise? Has NO control over. HE IS ******. He's angry about a lot of things in his life and you, and your X have just gone on your merry way and left a wake of **** for him to sift out figuring that once the arguing and trouble between YOU and X calmed down the problems for your son would calm down too. IT DIDN'T. For him? It left him with MORE questions and MORE anger and a lot of it? He may not even be consciously aware of. It's just THERE. HE is 16, probably functioning with the emotions of about a 12 year old and added to that are the fact that he's falling behind in school, hates school, his parents are split up, he's a teenager and that alone in todays times are tough. The economy is tanking.....and he's angry. REALLY REALLY angry like you can NOT imagine and has NO PLACE to just GET ANGRY - and how to deal WITH what he's feeling. Sometimes you have to just get to thearpy or have a big brother person step in and be a mentor. At 16 - they really do NOT want to talk to and confide in US - but a total stranger MAY get them or get their attention or even their loyalties. Weird - but true.
He needs help-----and he's a bright kid. He's not a loss, he's just really frustrated...and YOU? You can't go to him and say ARE YOU MAD? Because it will make him shut you out even more. IF HE will not go to therapy (and he won't) THEN YOU and your X - need to put the BS aside for a while - and GET INTO THERAPY for HIS sake. Find out how to at least come together and Get on the same page and be a UNITED FRONT FOR YOUR KID - otherwise? You probably WILL loose him. Sad as it is to say that - he's living with Dad, angry at the world....and you two need to find middle ground and help fast. Help for your son. Eventually maybe there can be some resources - because at 16? The stakes and the consequences are NOW - ADULT consequences. Life in prison is now a reality - 30 years for burglary is NOW a reality. And these kids don't think. They react.
I sound harsh - but I've already lived it. I'm living it now. And we went to therapy.....and it DID help - not right then for our son, but now - and he's 20.
And if your X doesn't want to do this? THEN YOU GO. YOU GO and get some answers and ask questions to a professional that you are asking US - other parents. See if what I say is true. Because it may not be just such a truth as your circumstances may be a little different....all I can advise you on is how OUR life was - and go from my experiences...but between the lines what you wrote? This is what I see.
Glad you found us - It takes a lot of courage to step out of your comfort zone and call the police - and especially on your son. While it does make a paper trail? It's not the best answer all the time - And an out of home placement doesn't necessarily come unless you have a LOT OF PAPER TRAILS......and a LOT OF hospital visits. True - you both may need a respite - but I think your son needs a respite from his anger and needs to learn some Anger management techniques FIRST - before he can function ANYWHERE. THAT would help him in my humble opinion more than anything.
Hugs -
Many hugs. If you have medicaid they OFTEN cover therapeutic foster care - which means group homes for kids his age. Still need to do what Star said, but it IS an option. I even had someone here tell me they didn't - someone who works with our state medicaid, but when I read from THEIR website the friend I was helping got her child into the placement they needed. Sometiems asking works, but you also need to read the info on the health plan because tehy will lie to you to save $$ that it would cost to provide things.
Hi Susiestar, I've been wondering if difficult child would qualify for medicaid. Currently he is on my health plan that i get through work. If they look at the parents income, he would not qualify. Does anyone know if it is possible to qualify without taking into account the parents income if he is younger than 18? Thanks
