Calling on adoptive parents.....

[lovelyboy]

Ok....so last night for the first time my son verbalized his emotions regarding his adoption.....
It was so painfull for me to watch! He said that he felt he was stolen and cried about how unfair it is that his bioparents loved him so much to make an adoption plan but that he just wants to meet them... the biodad got married in the mean time and stays in the same town as we do.....very nice person, biomom moved to another country....but they both signed a contract that they prefer semi open, more closed adoption......
I really dont know how to tell him he cant meet them....I sensed his terrible sadness and build up anger regarding this and was even wondering if this wasnt part of the underlying problem causing so much anger inside of him that causes him to lash out at us and also his self hatred and depressive moods?

I got hold of a councellor who specializes in adoption and Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) with kids using trauma counselling and playtherapy.....she said she will call me back on Monday.....do you think this is a good road to choose?

 

[buddy]

YES. Q actually has talked about his feelings little by little over the years about adoption. Our adoption therapist said his feelings were developmentally appropriate (they kind of go through stages) but his ability to deal with it all was affected by his developmental delays and communication issues. I bet that is true to a degree for your difficult child. Have you ever made a life book for him? A book that tells his story and you can add to it and morph it to his developmental level answering questions as they come up. It is kind of like a life social story.

I bet adults here who are adopted could also give you lots of information on what statements are useful and which ones are not. I have told Q that when he is 21 I would help him search to see where his bio parents are if he wanted me to. But that until that time it is the law that I cant (not especially true, I could just do it, I know their names and birthdates). He is just not developmentally or emotionally in a place to add that to his plate.

 

[lovelyboy]

Buddy....I do have some kind of journal yes....I thought I might update it with info...
The thing is it seems so normal and easy to connect with them, because I showed him pics of them on their facebookprofile.....maybe not the best thing to do, because the computer makes it feel as if they are close and aproachable....I told him by law he can only get to know them around 21 yr of age....its the case because they asked for semi closed adoption.....this caused him to burst out in tears and just saying its unfair! But I guess this is his pain of rejection feelings he needs to work through! It just brakes our hearts to see him go through this!

 

[buddy]

I can't imagine how there can't be some level of feeling rejected even when it is the opposite for many. It sounds like in his case they truly did love him so much that they wanted a better life for him. You are so understanding and accepting of his feelings, what a beautiful thing. I think taking to an adoption sensitive counselor sounds really like a good idea.

 

[lovelyboy]

Buddy thanx for your kind and reassuring words!

 

[TerryJ2]

Lovelyboy,
I think those feelings lessen with-age and maturity, but I would tell him something rather than nothing. Just be aware that no matter what you say, it won't be enough. My son is only beginning to realize what a hard and wise decision it was because he is a teenager now, and learning about sex and pregnancies among peers in HS.
Since the bio parents said they wanted a semi-open adoption, I would think FB may be a useful tool, at least to ask them what they would like to tell him. Didn't they write letters that he could open later in life? Ours did.
Best of luck.

 

[Malika]

Hi lovelyboy
Of course for a child (or anyone, really), the idea of loving you so much that they give you away is hard if not impossible to embrace. I do think it is very healthy, if painful, for your son to be exploring this now and for you to be validating him in his feelings. Without being over-indulged, obviously, I think the sorrow of an adopted child for his or her lost parents is inevitable. How could it be otherwise? Have you read "The Primal Wound", seminal reading for adopting parents?
I think you can't jump to a quick and easy resolution of his pain, though I understand it is heart-wrenching to witness. Just allowing him to speak about his sadness and anger is tremendously valuable.

 

[HaoZi]

As an adoptee, I can tell you it would have been MUCH harder on me to have a semi-open adoption like what you have. It would have tough to know, to see their faces online and know they were close but that I was not allowed to approach, and the temptation for answers would have been overwhelming. I'd always be searching the faces of the crowd for them when I was out in public, hoping for a chance to bump into them, to see if I was recognized, or to make that chance happen if I knew enough.

 

[lovelyboy]

HoaZi....I agree......even I search crouds and hope to bump into them!
I would like for them to maybe have some kind of connection, like writing or something, but I know this is risky because we never know what stuff they might say to upset him, especially if they dont know how to handle a difficult child.....and like my husband said....our son gets fixated and obsessed about stuff, and he might get stuck in this prosess of wanting to see them everyday, phone them, what ever.....It might just be an add on complication for now, while he is so young.....