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Calling psychiatrist about husband
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<blockquote data-quote="seriously" data-source="post: 450599" data-attributes="member: 11920"><p>Ah yes. Money.</p><p></p><p>When we wed (the first time = and that's another story) my wife had some small debts that went back a long ways and were in collection. Small because her income was small and no one would lend her anything.</p><p></p><p>She is of the "there's a check left in my check book so I must have money in my account" variety of ostrich. Now you would substitute "ATM" for check.</p><p></p><p>Our arrangement is simple.</p><p></p><p>She gives me everything she earns through direct deposit to a joint account.</p><p></p><p>She gets an allowance. Until recently it was $20 a month - that's how strapped we have been. Now she gets $100 until she runs out and then, if we can afford it, she gets another $100.</p><p></p><p>We have worked our way up over 18 years to her having an ATM card and credit cards to joint accounts but she always ****** always****** checks with me to decide if the purchase is OK before spending more than $20 out of the joint accounts or incurring any credit card debt at all. It's largely unspoken that if she doesn't and she bought something that was a non-essential item there could be disastrous financial consequences for our family because I keep us balanced on the head of a pin. Without having credit card debt, which I absolutely refuse to incur except in truly desperate circumstances because I do not know how we would be able to pay it back.</p><p></p><p>We recently set up a separate account for her and she gets her allowance put in there along with gifts she gets from family for birthdays etc.</p><p></p><p>When she has an exact and small amount to manage - she is as frugal as frugal can be.</p><p></p><p>When she has "unlimited" funds - frugality goes out the window and we're back to "I have a check therefore I have money."</p><p></p><p>I sometimes get really angry about this otherwise smart person who can manage a multi-million dollar unit budget yet still insists she can't understand or do the math needed to manage anything more than $100. It doesn't do any good of course and I remind myself to be grateful for her willingness to not fight me about managing our private finances.</p><p></p><p>Separating your finances so he cannot take money out without your express agreement and active cooperation seems not only sensible but the only responsible thing for you to do.</p><p></p><p>I get that you are struggling to walk a tightrope - balancing holding marriage and family together against protecting yourself and your children from the consequences of husband's instability and shortcomings. I can easily see that taking such a step might be interpreted by him as a rejection etc. and provoke a crisis that would be very difficult to resolve without serious damage to your marriage.</p><p></p><p>on the other hand he may be relieved to know he no longer has the power to destroy his family financially.</p><p></p><p>And if he did provoke financial disaster - what would you do then? Not only would it be likely you would have to take these same actions, you would be in a much worse position to protect your children and yourself.</p><p></p><p>I am so very sorry you have to bear this and I hope you will take this as just my 2 cents. You know best how to care for your family and set your priorities.</p><p></p><p>Peace</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="seriously, post: 450599, member: 11920"] Ah yes. Money. When we wed (the first time = and that's another story) my wife had some small debts that went back a long ways and were in collection. Small because her income was small and no one would lend her anything. She is of the "there's a check left in my check book so I must have money in my account" variety of ostrich. Now you would substitute "ATM" for check. Our arrangement is simple. She gives me everything she earns through direct deposit to a joint account. She gets an allowance. Until recently it was $20 a month - that's how strapped we have been. Now she gets $100 until she runs out and then, if we can afford it, she gets another $100. We have worked our way up over 18 years to her having an ATM card and credit cards to joint accounts but she always ****** always****** checks with me to decide if the purchase is OK before spending more than $20 out of the joint accounts or incurring any credit card debt at all. It's largely unspoken that if she doesn't and she bought something that was a non-essential item there could be disastrous financial consequences for our family because I keep us balanced on the head of a pin. Without having credit card debt, which I absolutely refuse to incur except in truly desperate circumstances because I do not know how we would be able to pay it back. We recently set up a separate account for her and she gets her allowance put in there along with gifts she gets from family for birthdays etc. When she has an exact and small amount to manage - she is as frugal as frugal can be. When she has "unlimited" funds - frugality goes out the window and we're back to "I have a check therefore I have money." I sometimes get really angry about this otherwise smart person who can manage a multi-million dollar unit budget yet still insists she can't understand or do the math needed to manage anything more than $100. It doesn't do any good of course and I remind myself to be grateful for her willingness to not fight me about managing our private finances. Separating your finances so he cannot take money out without your express agreement and active cooperation seems not only sensible but the only responsible thing for you to do. I get that you are struggling to walk a tightrope - balancing holding marriage and family together against protecting yourself and your children from the consequences of husband's instability and shortcomings. I can easily see that taking such a step might be interpreted by him as a rejection etc. and provoke a crisis that would be very difficult to resolve without serious damage to your marriage. on the other hand he may be relieved to know he no longer has the power to destroy his family financially. And if he did provoke financial disaster - what would you do then? Not only would it be likely you would have to take these same actions, you would be in a much worse position to protect your children and yourself. I am so very sorry you have to bear this and I hope you will take this as just my 2 cents. You know best how to care for your family and set your priorities. Peace [/QUOTE]
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