Calm before the storm

[Scent of Cedar *]

I'm so pleased that you are feeling better.

:0)

It makes all the difference in the world to know we're not alone with everything.

As Seeking Strength tells us, stay close to the site, now.

One of us will be along sooner or later whenever you post. We have each been right where you are, now.

Wishing you such a nice day.

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

An observation: Our son used his childhood (when responsibility for him was ours) to justify bad choices he made once he was a teen.

I believed him.

As I read here on the site, I realized that no matter how we had raised our difficult child kids...we all believed it was something about the way we had raised them -- some shortcoming on our parts -- that caused the difficult child to flounder and fail.

But how could so many people, all raising their kids differently, have failed in a way that made their difficult children treat them just like mine treated me?

Shortly after that, I realized my son was parroting back to me the very things that I felt guilty about, the things I thought I'd done wrong.

And then, I realized he did that because it worked.

He had probably thrown a thousand accusations at me.

The ones that hurt were the money payoffs.

Because of my guilt, they worked, everytime.

And I realized each of the parents here was being tormented in exactly the same way by her own child.

Because that is where the money is.

Addiction is a terrible thing.

Realizing what it's doing to our kids, we need to stand up.

Cedar

 

[PennyFromTheBlock]

Short update:

Went by empty house yesterday to drop off the reloadable card (I just can't 'see' him right now- so this is the best way). Noticed that he has in fact removed ALL his belongings from the house. All his clothes, air mattress, etc. All gone. Just like that! I stressed over nothing!

(then found that my neighbor was STEALING electricity from me, but thats a story for another time).

So. Well. You know, I've always had faith and had stopped going to church a few years ago. Started back three sundays ago- because I knew I had to do SOMETHING. I gave it to God and said that I couldn't do it.

I don't know if this is God or fate or what, but I am saying that it's a huge stress reliever.

Now on to inspections and listing the house!

 

[DammitJanet]

All of our kids have good in them. Sometimes its a bit hard to see when there is so much junk flying around but if they didnt, we wouldnt be on here because they would have killed us by now. I mean really, true psychopaths who dont get their way tend to turn to drastic measures.

And be honest, dont you sometimes get upset and irritated with your so called normal kids too? Fed right up to the rafters sometimes. No one can make us madder than a loved one.

Right now I am mad as a wet hen because I have been trying to get in touch with my middle son for a month now. I call and only get vm. I went onto FB and saw where my daughter in law and grandchildren were in Myrtle Beach over labor day. I dont know if my son went with them or not but even so, they had to drive right by my house to go to MB. I mean right by. I live about a 300 feet off to the side of the interstate. I havent seen my grandkids in a long time. They could have stopped by for lunch and to let the kids run around the park that I live right beside for an hour. It wouldnt have put them out much. But no...no one told us they went. If I hadnt gone on FB we still wouldnt know. I am angry.

 

[nlj]

I need to remind myself always: Have I been asked for help? Before I rush in like the Cavalry to help difficult child.

This was a big 'aha' moment for me. I was always rushing in to help ('fix' 'control'). My son very rarely asks for anything now, and maybe he never did. I just 'heard' him asking, inside my own head. I don't hear this any more, but I do still help out occasionally, when I want to, when it makes me feel good. and only in small ways, like buying socks.

I'm glad you're feeling better and that you are now able to move forward with the house. I'm glad you made the choices about helping that were right for you.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Thanks for the update. I'm so glad the house is empty and you can move on. It's about YOU now.........Take very good care of yourself.......

 

[Childofmine]

SM...so glad there was no drama yesterday surrounding the house. That is great.

Often, we anticipate the very worst, gird ourselves to be ready for it, make all kinds of plans, and then....nothing bad happens.

So we breathe, and let the air out, and relax, and then: zing, pow, zowee! Something comes out of left field, and hits us hard, something we never ever considered.

So...what to do? That is the way of difficult children.

The same thing happened to me yesterday. I thought yesterday was the "big day" when difficult child got his check, and was ready to move heaven and earth to get girlfriend out of jail. I anticipated being asked to drive him all kinds of places after I picked him up from work yesterday. I was ready with my No.

And then...no drama. Nothing. The day was uneventful, despite the fact that i saw him twice---took him to work and picked him up from work.

That was great. I worked to relish that. But underneath, I'm a little uneasy. Now what?

Moral to story: There is no way to be prepared for the insanity that comes with unrecovered and unmedicated difficult children. We get ready for nothing, and we aren't ready for everything.

All we can do is continue to let go, work on ourselves, and practice mental, emotional and physical detachment as much as possible.

Learn how to live in the now. Live in this particular moment, and pinch ourselves and know that right now, this minute, we are okay.

This minute is all we really have anyway. All we have ever had.

So today, breathe, relax, take your time, take a walk, take a nap. If his number or an unknown number pops up, let it go to vm. If the caller doesn't leave a message, they didn't need much, now did they?

Today is about you. Today is about me. Let's live our own lives, and let other people live theirs. This is a lesson I am constantly working to learn. When I can "get it" for even a short time, it feels wonderful.