can I say this here?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by sjexpress, May 23, 2013.

  1. sjexpress

    sjexpress New Member

    Can I say that I truly at times do not like my difficult child to the point of almost hate for what he has done to our family lives and how he treats us? Does this make me a terrible person? I realize he has diagnosed problems and some of his behaviors are beyond his control, but honestly, there are times I think I can't take it anymore with him. I feel awful that I am raising a child that has no compassion or respect for others, primarily me, husband, and easy child. and is so selfish.
    We have had a rough school year besides our rough home life with him. We went thru school refusal and home tutoring. We began medications for the first time with mild help, we have a new therapist and psychiatrist. Yet, sometimes there is a glimmer of hope we are on the right track but mostly despair because it is as if nothing has changed for us.
    difficult child returned to school about 6 weeks ago and things seemed better. He was going to bed ontime, getting up, going to school, etc... but this week things have turned sour again for reasons again, I can't figure out. When we remind him it is bedtime, he gets so mean and nasty, screaming at us to not to tell him what to do. Mornings have been more of the same. He gets up but when I say it is time to get ready to go....his nasty mouth gets going again. Today he "warned" me that if I tell him to go to bed tonight or wake him in the morning, because he would get up himself ( he never would), or tell him it is time to get dressed because the bus is coming soon, he would not go to schooll!
    difficult child his bigger than me in every way. He stands over me and screams at me with a tone of voice that most people wouldn't speak to an animal with! It is so horrible! Today I said nothing back because I just wanted him to get out the door and on the bus and away from me for the day!
    I look forward to school ending so that stress ends but the thought of him being with me and easy child everyday/minute is making me sick. difficult child is going to a few half day sports camps for only about 3 weeks and then nothing! Nothing I suggest we do over the summer makes him happy. Doesn't want to do this or that and just makes us all miserable and ruins everything for easy child if we do go somewhere because he does nothing but complain and annoy! I have no problem leaving him home a few hrs. to take easy child places and do things but difficult child calls my cell every few minutes screaming for me to come home. If I don't answer, when I do get home he is crazed!
    We have not been on a vacation in over 3 years. The last one was so awful that I can't imagine doing it again. We would love to take the kids and do something fun but difficult child can't handle it. Everything we do..where we go, where we stay, where we eat, etc... has to be his way or else! I feel awful for easy child never going anywhere but how do I take him away and leave difficult child with husband? It would cause world war 3!
    I could go on and on but you all can imagine! Thanks for letting me vent. I would love to see my own therapist but with all difficult child's bills for medical care, we can;t afford it.

  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. It's very hard when your life has to revolve around a difficult child who is miserable all the time.

    been there done that - and it stinks!

    Right now, whether consciously or not, your difficult child is running your household. You and your family are making decisions based upon what will please difficult child and what will keep the peace.
    My best advice is to re-prioritize wherever you can.

    Remind yourself that difficult child is likely to be unhappy regardless of your decisions. Regardless of the activity, or meal, or outing - your difficult child will probably be miserable. So - stop taking the likelihood of difficult child's miserable response into your decision-making process.

    If you are OK with leaving him home - that makes it even easier. Announce your activity - give difficult child the option of coming along or staying home. Let him know what time you will be returning. If he calls and calls? Just repeat what time you will be returning. "We will be home at 3".

    And FWIW - difficult child is old enough to get himself up for school. If he doesn't get up on time? Let him take those consequences himself...
  3. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Sorry you are going thru this right now... we have similar issues but not quite what you are dealing with. And yes,I feel the guilt when I try to find some warm fuzzies for my difficult child and I think and think and some days the only things I can come up with is :

    1. she is good with animals
    2. she likes babies and little children and is good with them too

    us... not so much. We seem to exist just to her meet her needs. Hang in there! Others know where you are coming from. KSM
  4. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    I know exactly how you feel. And I, too, have the same problems with feelings towards my difficult child. Even when he tries his behaviors are annoying and there are days when he grates on my nerves more than others.

    Daisy gave you advice that I would have given. Pick an activity. Tell him come, don't come, it's up to him. If he comes set out the expectation for his behavior and what the consequences will be if he does not behave and makes everyone miserable. If he doesn't come, tell him what time you expect to be home and not to call unless he has questions that does not involved "when are you coming home?" difficult child has called me several times screaming because I wasn't home yet and I aways remind him that if he is going to scream at me I am going to end the call. It only took two times of hanging up on him for him to get the message that if he wants to speak to me by phone while I'm out, he needs to be nice about it.

    Home is another matter. One minute he's kind, telling me how I'm the best mother ever. The next he's screaming at everyone, making threats, telling us that he hates us all and wishes that he had a totally different family. It's exhausting and depressing.

    What does the therapist say about the home behaviors? Does she bring them up to him and try to help him with coping skills?
  5. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yes! You can say it! Wont be the first or last time it is said either! Hugs!
  6. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    been there done that....still there some days.
  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    You sure can! Many of us have had those same feelings...and justifiably so. That's one of the best things about the CD family. You can share how you really feel and only caring anonymous people can validate that you are not a bad Mom. Hugs
  8. greenrene

    greenrene Member

    Absolutely, vent away! This place is possibly the best source of support ever, in my opinion, especially when close, well-meaning family/friends just DON'T. GET. IT. I get accused/blamed all the time for what's happened with my difficult child, to the point that I really can't talk about her at all, much less express my true feelings. They say that I must be a cause of difficult child's issues because I obviously don't like her because I seem angry at her all the time. Nevermind the fact that, when she lived here, it was SOOOOOOO stressful, to the point where if she wasn't in trouble, she was about to be. She took every available opportunity to be rude and disrespectful, etc. After living that for years, HELL YES I'M MAD. But we here on the board, we get it. Totally.
  9. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    Oh yeah, I so relate, Don't like my difficult child at all. Some days I can laugh about it but most days I am ****** off about it. I'm mad to much of the times and this board has saved my life. If I couldnt come here and talk to you all I'de be a raving lunatic. Many hugs, and just wanted you to let you know your not alone.
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I hear you!
    And I second this: "Remind yourself that difficult child is likely to be unhappy regardless of your decisions. Regardless of the activity, or meal, or outing - your difficult child will probably be miserable. So - stop taking the likelihood of difficult child's miserable response into your decision-making process."

    Do what is RIGHT. Do what you WANT to do. He's going to be miserable no matter what. I learned that a long time ago. Be strong.
  11. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I can definitely understand!! There were a great many years when it was difficult to "feel" the love. I also get how you are feeling about summer. I am dreading summer to an extent (only part way because as a teacher I am looking forward to it:)) as difficult child will be at home 24/7 this summer-he has aged out of most of the camps around here. Our only hope is he wants to find a job-not sure if he is capable of working but I hope for both of our sakes he does get one!
  12. gingersgrl

    gingersgrl New Member

    I'm sorry your going through it too but honestly hearing you say it makes me feel better because I've been feeling the same exact thing and glad to know I'm not just a bad person because I'm feeling all those feelings right now.
  13. IT1967

    IT1967 Member

    I'm sorry you're dealing with this and yes, I've had days/moments where I've felt the same way too.
  14. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

  15. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

    This is EXCELLENT advice and I need to remember this!
  16. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Yes, it's okay to say that here. Many (most?) of us have felt this way about our difficult children at one point or another. It is normal to dislike someone who's making your life miserable, even if it's your own child. Don't beat up on yourself. It's a grind, and it's painful.

    Now, as to strategies for dealing with it. DaisyFace and Terry have both made excellent points. Your difficult child has learned that he can manipulate your whole family by pitching a fit and behaving badly. Trying to manage your lives so as not to set him off teaches him that he has the power in your household, and everyone else's job is to please and appease him. You need to break the cycle, especially with summer holidays coming up, otherwise a bad time will be had by all.

    Can you sign him up for activities without his consent? Drop him off in the morning, and leave? Whether he's happy or miserable at the activity, you and your easy child have some peaceful time.

    Re: the constant phone calls? You might try what I did with my difficult child, who has a terrible tendency to over-communicate. Don't answer. Turn the ringer to vibrate or silent, and set a rule that he can send text messages but not call you. If he phones, let it go to voicemail, and reply by text. Sometimes taking the verbal component out of the conversation helps to take the emotion out of it as well.

    It is a very hard thing to change everyone's behaviour and habits. If you have a therapist or other resource who can help you all to break existing patterns that might help too.

    Good luck, and hugs,
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oh, I hear you loud and clear. I both love and like Julie (my 29 year old from Korea), Sonic and Jumper, but 35 is another story. Trying to think of some warm and fuzzy stuff about him when he just told me a few days ago that he would kill me if I did something he didn't like, and clarified that he meant I'd be dead, is rather hard. I gave birth to him and was so excited when he was born. Now...I'm ashamed to say that the best thing about him is that he lives in Missouri and not Wisconsin. The way he talks, he scares me. He is very hard to love.
  18. Dixies_fire

    Dixies_fire Member

    Was very similar to what I've been trying to get across lately. I don't enjoy my difficult child very often. I have a hard time saying the things that a "good" mom should say to their daughter because I am constantly worn out from her behavior!

    I hope it's okay to say it here because its not okay to say it anywhere else because no one understands.

    I feel like I'm just as big of a disappointment to her as she is at times to me.

    Sometimes she makes me so proud and I am amazed by the things she can do when she tries but as far as the relationship we should be having its not there.

    Every time someone tells me to let it go I think about my sister and how everyone has let her get away with her difficult child ness and how she can't support herself or her kids and will always be on my family's pay roll.

    I just can't face that being my kid's future.
  19. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im an experienced mom. That sounds much better than My kids range in age from 32 down to almost 27. You can bet your bottom dollar that over those years I have very, very seriously disliked my kids. I have hated their behaviors many times. Right now I am not thrilled with my middle son too much. He seems to have a severe case of the "me-itis" syndrome. I havent talked to him in several months because I dont appreciate the idea that texts as presents for birthdays or mother's day suffice. Maybe one day he will get the hint.

    My other two have grown up pretty much. Oh there are times I get annoyed but I think you get annoyed with anyone in your family. Family's tend to do that to each other.