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Can we discuss "in the best interests of the child?"
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<blockquote data-quote="witzend" data-source="post: 542433" data-attributes="member: 99"><p>I would agree with this, and take it one step further. This is a small child here. She will most likely spend the majority of her time with her mother for some time. My gift of 30 years of hindsight tells me that I shouldn't have fought so hard about who L lived with. There was NO WAY I was going to get custody of her from her dad and step-mom. They just plain had too much power. I could have made it better for everyone by abandoning the fight.</p><p></p><p>Here's what I got out of fighting about it - I was angry and sad and an easy target. Point at an angry sad parent and say "(S)he's unbalanced and it's not healthy", and you won't have to prove it. It doesn't matter that the other parent is making you angry and sad with outrageous behaviors. They're holding it together in front of the court and you're not. As time went on the constant whispers of my instability echoed in L's ears in such a way that whether she believed them or not was immaterial. The child who grew tired of being lugged back and forth every weekend grew into the rebellious serial runaway teenager with a dead step-mother, a father who didn't want her, and a mother she had no respect for and who couldn't control her. As a woman who had no skills L learned to triangulate that image of my being unbalanced to placate her father's guilt at what he had done so that he would continue to support her financially until she was nearly 30 years old. No one liked me anyway, so <em>who cares</em> how badly she acted towards me? I was unbalanced and deserved it.</p><p></p><p>It's like a love affair. If you strangle them trying to hold on, they'll never want you. Offer them love and let them be themselves and allow them to love you back in their own way and in their own time and they will.</p><p></p><p>MWM, the thing that strikes me <em>hard</em> about your posts regarding your son and his wife and his child is how invested <em>you</em> are in all of this. I know you're angry and that you feel she is inappropriate - she is - and that your son is getting the shaft - he is. But you are an outsider in this marriage. You should <em>not</em> be plotting and planning for his wife's failure on the level that you are. I struggle with your posts, because I feel as though you want us to unconditionally support your anger more than you want advice. I'm not sure what you mean by "Can we discuss", so I hope that what your asking for is an honest opinion, which is what I offer. If not, that's ok. You can take what I say with a grain of salt and I won't be offended. I say what I say with love and care for you and your family. Bear in mind that we don't have many women here have the benefit of knowing what it is like to lose custody of their own child to an unfit parent and watch that child grow into a really lousy adult. I do, and I promise you that the one thing I would have done differently would have been to leave the anger and indignity behind. It made me <em>far too easy </em>a target. </p><p></p><p>FWIW, while for a time I would have appreciated my parents being as involved and indignant on my behalf as you are for your son, it wouldn't be long before I resented them trying to make such personal decisions for me. Your son has to work this out on his own, and the best thing that you can do for him is love him and let him.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="witzend, post: 542433, member: 99"] I would agree with this, and take it one step further. This is a small child here. She will most likely spend the majority of her time with her mother for some time. My gift of 30 years of hindsight tells me that I shouldn't have fought so hard about who L lived with. There was NO WAY I was going to get custody of her from her dad and step-mom. They just plain had too much power. I could have made it better for everyone by abandoning the fight. Here's what I got out of fighting about it - I was angry and sad and an easy target. Point at an angry sad parent and say "(S)he's unbalanced and it's not healthy", and you won't have to prove it. It doesn't matter that the other parent is making you angry and sad with outrageous behaviors. They're holding it together in front of the court and you're not. As time went on the constant whispers of my instability echoed in L's ears in such a way that whether she believed them or not was immaterial. The child who grew tired of being lugged back and forth every weekend grew into the rebellious serial runaway teenager with a dead step-mother, a father who didn't want her, and a mother she had no respect for and who couldn't control her. As a woman who had no skills L learned to triangulate that image of my being unbalanced to placate her father's guilt at what he had done so that he would continue to support her financially until she was nearly 30 years old. No one liked me anyway, so [I]who cares[/I] how badly she acted towards me? I was unbalanced and deserved it. It's like a love affair. If you strangle them trying to hold on, they'll never want you. Offer them love and let them be themselves and allow them to love you back in their own way and in their own time and they will. MWM, the thing that strikes me [I]hard[/I] about your posts regarding your son and his wife and his child is how invested [I]you[/I] are in all of this. I know you're angry and that you feel she is inappropriate - she is - and that your son is getting the shaft - he is. But you are an outsider in this marriage. You should [I]not[/I] be plotting and planning for his wife's failure on the level that you are. I struggle with your posts, because I feel as though you want us to unconditionally support your anger more than you want advice. I'm not sure what you mean by "Can we discuss", so I hope that what your asking for is an honest opinion, which is what I offer. If not, that's ok. You can take what I say with a grain of salt and I won't be offended. I say what I say with love and care for you and your family. Bear in mind that we don't have many women here have the benefit of knowing what it is like to lose custody of their own child to an unfit parent and watch that child grow into a really lousy adult. I do, and I promise you that the one thing I would have done differently would have been to leave the anger and indignity behind. It made me [I]far too easy [/I]a target. FWIW, while for a time I would have appreciated my parents being as involved and indignant on my behalf as you are for your son, it wouldn't be long before I resented them trying to make such personal decisions for me. Your son has to work this out on his own, and the best thing that you can do for him is love him and let him. [/QUOTE]
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Can we discuss "in the best interests of the child?"
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