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Parent Emeritus
Can we still judge as parents of a difficult child?
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<blockquote data-quote="everywoman" data-source="post: 152323" data-attributes="member: 1436"><p>Often our frustrations with others are just a manifestation of our own feelings of inadequacy. My problem lies with the fact that many times the tone of "advice" on the board takes on a very superior attitude. And often it depends on who it's directed towards. Like in real life, on this board, we all have people who rub us the wrong way. If I see a post that has something I don't agree with, I usually don't respond. Sometimes silence if deafening. If I see someone in pain, I try to offer an encouraging word. You can usually tell what someone needs. Most often its not advice, it's just a shoulder to lean on. Offering suggestions is fine. But, belittling someone for not doing what we think they should do is juvenile.</p><p></p><p>Since I am still on my path, since my son is still floundering, I don't feel I have to right to condemn anyone else's actions. We must remember that this journey we are on is not a vacation. We are parents with a job/a mission. Our job is to try to help our children---whether they are 5 or 25---to become all they can be. Sometimes, unfortunately, they don't want or can't accept our help. Those reasons vary. But, whether it is because of drug addiction or mental illness or stubbornness, really doesn't matter. They are still our children. </p><p></p><p>Some of us reach our own "bottom' at different stages in the process. Others realize early on that no matter what we do, our children have to be invested. So, we stop investing so much. Others will bankrupt their souls and bank accounts to save their child. Neither is wrong. And both will end up at the same bottom, eventually. </p><p></p><p>My son is now 20. He is no better off today then he was when I landed here 5 years ago. He just recently returned home because he dropped out of school and had no other options. I will not see him homeless. He goes before a judge tomorrow. He violated probation and may be sentenced to 2 years. If so, I will go and visit. I will put money in his canteen. I will look for halfway houses when he gets out. Am I wrong? Maybe. Should I just cut him off and never see him again? Can't and won't. He is my son. I love him. I don't like him or his actions, but love is unconditional. Will I help him get out of this? Nope. He will face the consequences for being stupid. I won't hire a lawyer. I won't write to the judge. I won't talk to his PO. I haven't done any of those things since he was 17 and told me he was grown.</p><p></p><p>Am I right? Don't know. Am I wrong? Don't know? But I will do what I think I should despite what anyone else says.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="everywoman, post: 152323, member: 1436"] Often our frustrations with others are just a manifestation of our own feelings of inadequacy. My problem lies with the fact that many times the tone of "advice" on the board takes on a very superior attitude. And often it depends on who it's directed towards. Like in real life, on this board, we all have people who rub us the wrong way. If I see a post that has something I don't agree with, I usually don't respond. Sometimes silence if deafening. If I see someone in pain, I try to offer an encouraging word. You can usually tell what someone needs. Most often its not advice, it's just a shoulder to lean on. Offering suggestions is fine. But, belittling someone for not doing what we think they should do is juvenile. Since I am still on my path, since my son is still floundering, I don't feel I have to right to condemn anyone else's actions. We must remember that this journey we are on is not a vacation. We are parents with a job/a mission. Our job is to try to help our children---whether they are 5 or 25---to become all they can be. Sometimes, unfortunately, they don't want or can't accept our help. Those reasons vary. But, whether it is because of drug addiction or mental illness or stubbornness, really doesn't matter. They are still our children. Some of us reach our own "bottom' at different stages in the process. Others realize early on that no matter what we do, our children have to be invested. So, we stop investing so much. Others will bankrupt their souls and bank accounts to save their child. Neither is wrong. And both will end up at the same bottom, eventually. My son is now 20. He is no better off today then he was when I landed here 5 years ago. He just recently returned home because he dropped out of school and had no other options. I will not see him homeless. He goes before a judge tomorrow. He violated probation and may be sentenced to 2 years. If so, I will go and visit. I will put money in his canteen. I will look for halfway houses when he gets out. Am I wrong? Maybe. Should I just cut him off and never see him again? Can't and won't. He is my son. I love him. I don't like him or his actions, but love is unconditional. Will I help him get out of this? Nope. He will face the consequences for being stupid. I won't hire a lawyer. I won't write to the judge. I won't talk to his PO. I haven't done any of those things since he was 17 and told me he was grown. Am I right? Don't know. Am I wrong? Don't know? But I will do what I think I should despite what anyone else says. [/QUOTE]
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Can we still judge as parents of a difficult child?
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