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Can we talk about jail?
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 615153" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>PLEASE don't bail him out. If he isn't totally miserable, he won't ever change because he doesn't HAVE to. You are NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT an angry bitter woman. You are a loving, devoted mom who KNOWS that her son MUST do his time out if he is ever to have a PRAYER of turning his life around. Better he learn it now than in 10 years. Trust me, it IS better to learn it now.</p><p></p><p>THe pub defender is young, new and earnest. She has no clue what life with a difficult child is like, not even a teensy glimmer of a clue. She is lying if she says you won't be liable for the entire amt if you sign for his bail. As he has not shown in the past, he isn't going to show in the future. If you sign for bail, figure you have lost the entire amount, not the 10%. Because you will have just handed it to the courts. He will NOT do what he needs to do if you bail him out. The PD just has no idea. </p><p></p><p>Don't let his pleading or being miserable sway you. He is now learning to walk as an adult. If you carry him, or pick him up for a cuddle because it is hard, he won't ever learn to walk. You didn't pick him up and take him to his toys when he cried as a baby learning to crawl or walk. You stepped back and let him crawl, walk, fall down, get up, do it again, because you KNEW that he NEEDED to do those things. </p><p></p><p>Right now he is a baby adult. He has to learn how to get through this type of thing or else he won't EVER learn not to do the things that put him there. It isn't his first time in trouble with the law, and if you fix it, it will be the first in a very long line of trouble with the law. If you let him feel the consequences and deal with them on his own, eventually he will learn to walk out of the situation. Or he will CHOOSE to stay in it. He won't follow your rules, now he needs to learn to follow society's. That is part of being an adult. helping him now will only teach him that you will always fix things so he does not have to follow the rules. Period.</p><p></p><p>Being mentally ill won't chagne the need to learn this. He has to become willing to accept treatment in order to get better. Unless he is miserable, he won't accept help because he won't accept that he has a problem (regardless of if it is drugs, mental illness or whatever). He won't HAVE to accept those things because you will be telling him that the law doesn't apply to him because he is too special, so he can do what he wants. When he experiences enough consequences to make him thoroughly miserable and unhappy, he will then work to figure out how a better way, a way that does not result in breaking the law. </p><p></p><p>As a member of our society we are not given happiness. We are given the right to pursue happiness. As parents we have the job of raising law abiding, contributing members of society, not happy people. There is a HUGE difference in those things. You son will have to pursue his own happiness, not have you give it to him. He will have to learn how to be law abiding and contribute to society if he wants to have a chance of happiness. He won't do that until he accepts that his way doesn't work. If you fix it by bailing him out, you DEPRIVE him of this chance to learn that. </p><p></p><p>Please, do NOT deprive your child. Give him the chance to LEARN, to figure out a better way and to become a contributing member of society. Don't carry him now. Let him learn to walk and then he will be able to reach his own success and dreams.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 615153, member: 1233"] PLEASE don't bail him out. If he isn't totally miserable, he won't ever change because he doesn't HAVE to. You are NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT an angry bitter woman. You are a loving, devoted mom who KNOWS that her son MUST do his time out if he is ever to have a PRAYER of turning his life around. Better he learn it now than in 10 years. Trust me, it IS better to learn it now. THe pub defender is young, new and earnest. She has no clue what life with a difficult child is like, not even a teensy glimmer of a clue. She is lying if she says you won't be liable for the entire amt if you sign for his bail. As he has not shown in the past, he isn't going to show in the future. If you sign for bail, figure you have lost the entire amount, not the 10%. Because you will have just handed it to the courts. He will NOT do what he needs to do if you bail him out. The PD just has no idea. Don't let his pleading or being miserable sway you. He is now learning to walk as an adult. If you carry him, or pick him up for a cuddle because it is hard, he won't ever learn to walk. You didn't pick him up and take him to his toys when he cried as a baby learning to crawl or walk. You stepped back and let him crawl, walk, fall down, get up, do it again, because you KNEW that he NEEDED to do those things. Right now he is a baby adult. He has to learn how to get through this type of thing or else he won't EVER learn not to do the things that put him there. It isn't his first time in trouble with the law, and if you fix it, it will be the first in a very long line of trouble with the law. If you let him feel the consequences and deal with them on his own, eventually he will learn to walk out of the situation. Or he will CHOOSE to stay in it. He won't follow your rules, now he needs to learn to follow society's. That is part of being an adult. helping him now will only teach him that you will always fix things so he does not have to follow the rules. Period. Being mentally ill won't chagne the need to learn this. He has to become willing to accept treatment in order to get better. Unless he is miserable, he won't accept help because he won't accept that he has a problem (regardless of if it is drugs, mental illness or whatever). He won't HAVE to accept those things because you will be telling him that the law doesn't apply to him because he is too special, so he can do what he wants. When he experiences enough consequences to make him thoroughly miserable and unhappy, he will then work to figure out how a better way, a way that does not result in breaking the law. As a member of our society we are not given happiness. We are given the right to pursue happiness. As parents we have the job of raising law abiding, contributing members of society, not happy people. There is a HUGE difference in those things. You son will have to pursue his own happiness, not have you give it to him. He will have to learn how to be law abiding and contribute to society if he wants to have a chance of happiness. He won't do that until he accepts that his way doesn't work. If you fix it by bailing him out, you DEPRIVE him of this chance to learn that. Please, do NOT deprive your child. Give him the chance to LEARN, to figure out a better way and to become a contributing member of society. Don't carry him now. Let him learn to walk and then he will be able to reach his own success and dreams. [/QUOTE]
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