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Can we talk about jail?
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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 615412" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>Thank you , susiestar, you hit some of the issues right on the head. I want to update a bit..</p><p></p><p>My difficult child is still in jail. I did not post bail and won't. When he calls me it is clearly because he wants to know if I'll post bail, and because he hopes I can be a conduit to his girlfriend. Those are his only concerns. He doesn't care about talking with me, although he pretends to as soon as he hears I haven't And that is when the surface anger flashes...even in short conversations I can't be gently supportive or nonjudgemental. He worries that he just disappeared and his girlfriend must be scared and worried about him. I tell him that she knows where I live and has not contacted me to tell me he has been missing for 10 days, or to see if I know where he is. He worries that he can't reach her (no phone, no address....unless "under the bridge" is an address) and that she can't reach him (no phone, address forwarded to "jail" from "under the bridge"--haha, that was a joke). I tell him that to be a good partner you have to be a person who is reachable..have a place where you live, have a phone. That he disappeared off the street because he is a person who has chosen a life and path where that will predictably happen. I say it in a harsh and clear way. Because that is where my surface anger is. But it doesn't feel as bad or devouring as the old deep anger</p><p></p><p>I do want to seek some practical input for you all...one of his charges (he has two) involves an old plea bargain for which he has to pay $1500. If he pays that on Dec 30 then he will not have a criminal conviction on his records. If he doesn't pay it he will, and back to jail he will go (he'll go to that hearing from jail, since we are not bailing him out). One of the TWO PDs I spoke with said that he will be under that $1500 fine forever...every time he gets picked up he'll bounce back into jail for contempt. He felt strongly I should pay it for him and at least clear that. I can see the logic of that...he will not be able to pay it anytime soon ($500/month from SS is his income), and I know if I pay it he won't pay me back...but somehow the merry go round of bouncing into jail seems dumb...if I have a gift to give him that would be it...although he won't see it as the gift it is. Parents of the forum...what would you do? I don't want him to live with me during any kind of prolonged transition period...I travel for work, and even when home am out of the house all day, plus I have two teenage PCs who live with me half time (custody) and I don't want them to have to deal with him living in the house. So any kind of "live with me under my supervision and pay me back $25 or whatever a week" is not viable.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 615412, member: 17269"] Thank you , susiestar, you hit some of the issues right on the head. I want to update a bit.. My difficult child is still in jail. I did not post bail and won't. When he calls me it is clearly because he wants to know if I'll post bail, and because he hopes I can be a conduit to his girlfriend. Those are his only concerns. He doesn't care about talking with me, although he pretends to as soon as he hears I haven't And that is when the surface anger flashes...even in short conversations I can't be gently supportive or nonjudgemental. He worries that he just disappeared and his girlfriend must be scared and worried about him. I tell him that she knows where I live and has not contacted me to tell me he has been missing for 10 days, or to see if I know where he is. He worries that he can't reach her (no phone, no address....unless "under the bridge" is an address) and that she can't reach him (no phone, address forwarded to "jail" from "under the bridge"--haha, that was a joke). I tell him that to be a good partner you have to be a person who is reachable..have a place where you live, have a phone. That he disappeared off the street because he is a person who has chosen a life and path where that will predictably happen. I say it in a harsh and clear way. Because that is where my surface anger is. But it doesn't feel as bad or devouring as the old deep anger I do want to seek some practical input for you all...one of his charges (he has two) involves an old plea bargain for which he has to pay $1500. If he pays that on Dec 30 then he will not have a criminal conviction on his records. If he doesn't pay it he will, and back to jail he will go (he'll go to that hearing from jail, since we are not bailing him out). One of the TWO PDs I spoke with said that he will be under that $1500 fine forever...every time he gets picked up he'll bounce back into jail for contempt. He felt strongly I should pay it for him and at least clear that. I can see the logic of that...he will not be able to pay it anytime soon ($500/month from SS is his income), and I know if I pay it he won't pay me back...but somehow the merry go round of bouncing into jail seems dumb...if I have a gift to give him that would be it...although he won't see it as the gift it is. Parents of the forum...what would you do? I don't want him to live with me during any kind of prolonged transition period...I travel for work, and even when home am out of the house all day, plus I have two teenage PCs who live with me half time (custody) and I don't want them to have to deal with him living in the house. So any kind of "live with me under my supervision and pay me back $25 or whatever a week" is not viable. [/QUOTE]
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