Can we talk?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by flutterbee, Nov 16, 2007.

  1. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    So, I lost my job in September because of my inability to work because of my health. I haven't posted it, not because I don't want you all to know, but because there are some non-members who know I post here who I didn't want to know. I don't care anymore.

    I've been ashamed. Of what, I don't know. I guess because I'm 34 years old and I feel like I'm going backwards in life. When you're young and look healthy...well, I just felt like everyone around me was judging me because they don't understand. Kinda like when I was struggling with depression. But, I've realized that I don't have anything to be ashamed of. I haven't done anything wrong. Some things are out of our control.

    So, my house is in foreclosure. The sheriff sale is Nov 28. I'm moving December 1 (fingers crossed) into a 3 bedroom townhome that my parents (mom and step-dad) will be paying the rent on. Hopefully, once I get in to the right specialists, get diagnosis'd and treated I'll be able to get on with my life. My mom worries that I'm permanently disabled and thinks I should be filing for disability. I'm not even ready to consider that, yet. I can't. I'm only 34. I do wonder, however, about my ability to ever return to work full-time. But, I don't want to get ahead of myself. One thing at a time.

    Anyway, I've been really struggling the last couple of weeks with feelings of inadequacy. It took me a long time and a determined battle - and eventually the right medications - to overcome my depression. For the first time in my adult life, I am in a good place emotionally and mentally. And then this. And now - at the age of 34 - my parents are going to be supporting me.

    Then, today, I saw a homeless man with his dog - this beautiful husky - on the side of the road with a cardboard sign. And I thought, 'There but for the grace of God, go I'. It really put things into perspective. And I started to cry.

    I am so blessed to have parents that are willing and able to help me in my time of need. I have beautiful children that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. I have a roof over my head, I know where my next meal is coming from, and I'm alive.

    What more could anyone ask for?
     
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Wow, Heather. That's a lot to handle. But it sounds like you've got a good plan. And in fact, you can move ahead, even with-a huge disability. People do it every day. You just have to reconfigure what you can and cannot do.
    So poignant about the homeless man and the huskey. Sigh.
    Thanks for letting us know.
    Here's my shoulder if you need to cry again. }}}}}}}
     
  3. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    {{{Heather}}}
    I hope you know that you are not inadequate. You a strong and caring women who's been dealt a difficult hand to play. But you are doing well for your family. And you are right that you are indeed blessed to have parents that will help you out.
    I think you may have just had your Thanksgiving early. :its_all_good:
     
  4. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Honey,

    I've been praying SO hard for you, that something would give. That you would get a break somewhere.

    Sometimes, a little shift in perspective is enough to move mountains.

    We'll help. Count on it.
     
  5. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Oh Heather.......
    I SO understand!
    About 6 years ago I lost my job as well...........and got divorced.........and difficult child was an absolute out of control mess. (even worse than now, imagine!)

    For the first time in my whole life I asked my parents to help. I had always been so self sufficient, so independent, it killed me to ask them..........but I had to. For the first time ever.

    But you know what? As much as I thought it would knock my self esteem, and cause me to feel less than............it actually did the reverse. My parents and I connected in a way that we never had before, and I searched within myself and found a person I had never known before.

    Now 7 years later, I am working again, and self sufficient, but you know what? That bond with my parents is still growing, and that connection to myself is still as deep.

    You just never know, the journey life leads us on, and what the end result will be. None the less, never feel as if asking for help will bring you anywhere but to a new plain in life.

    Wishing you all the best.
    Willow
     
  6. guest3

    guest3 Guest

    <<<<<<<<HUGS>>>>>>>>>>>>

    Do not grow weary in doing good, for in do time, you will reap a harvest, if you do not give up

    Galatians 6:9
     
  7. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    ((hugs)) You can't ask for anything more. Every day is a plus. 7 years ago I was sick, on chemo, and thought I would die. I gave away my "stuff" even. Now (luckily), I have my life back and can be so grateful for every day, every activity, every laugh. "That" has enhanced my life now, because I compare, "Thank God I'm not on chemo" , and I'm alive. It's been a gift, and in time, you'll find this to be true as well.-Alyssa
     
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    ((((hugs)))))

    As you know husband is working for peanuts. We're right there with you. So far the house is still stable. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. But mother in law does help with gas. With husband driving up to 3 hrs a day to and from work, and the gas prices so high, we just can't foot the whole bill ourselves. I hate having mother in law chipping in, but what can you do?

    You're lucky to have caring supportive parents willing to offer a hand during this rough patch in your life. And I'm sure it's just a rough patch. You're a smart strong woman, and I've no doubt you're gonna land on your feet in time.

    I'm glad the depression that seems to come with a long illness/injury has past and now you can focus your attention to making plans and getting well.

    If I can get past being run over by a truck to go to RN school, I'm confident you're gonna get past this. Us Moms of difficult children seem to have endless depths of stubborness. (well I guess we need it raising difficult children lol)

    You're in my prayers.

    ((hugs))
     
  9. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I am glad you opened up. Maybe this will help you start to move forward. Not that you haven't done everything in your power to make that happen, but sometimes finally saying "who gives a #&$*" really drives it home!
    You are such a good person who has been through so much. Sometimes I wonder why, I have no clue, is it a lesson, is it to make us stronger, is it just plain cruel?
    Through all of this you have remained so true to your family and such a bright light on this board.

    I really do hope something gives soon for you... I hope the house comes through and your health picks up.
    I am pulling for you girl. Sending all of my good juju your way.

    Thank you for talking to us I hope it took some of the load off.
     
  10. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Honey, how on earth did you hold on to that for that long? I just want to give you a big hug.

    I know that it can sound belittling when someone older says it, but I don't mean it that way at all. 34 is not old. I'm 46 and had to quit working and go on SSDI when I was 38. I'm back to working very part time now, as a way of supplementing my SSDI. It takes 6 months from the time you are disabled to be eligible for your first check, so you might want to talk with your doctor about it.

    In hindsight, I knew I was not going to keep working when I was your age. I wish I had done more to prepare myself. I wonder if I should have thought about college. I don't know. I'm sure I did what was best for me. Just as I am sure you will do what is best for you.

    Here's to your new life. :smile:

    I know you'll knock our socks off!
     
  11. KFld

    KFld New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: wyntersgrace</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
    I am so blessed to have parents that are willing and able to help me in my time of need. I have beautiful children that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. I have a roof over my head, I know where my next meal is coming from, and I'm alive.

    What more could anyone ask for? </div></div>

    I am in awe of your optimism. You will be just fine because you are able to look at the good in your life, even after all of that.
     
  12. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    Hugs- no reason to feel bad. Anytime you need a should I have a spare.

    beth
     
  13. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I was 31 when I finally had to leave my job due to disability (acquired on the job). Workers Compensation actually made things a lot worse, as I felt constantly accused of being some sort of fraud. I had enjoyed my job, I had a lot of responsibility and had been working my way to a desk job and a senior position. If only I could have held out a little longer, I always thought, I could have stayed in the workforce.

    I know now that wasn't going to be possible.

    But I can tell you, you need to watch out for feelings of worthlessness; feeling like you now are of no use to anyone, since you can't even hold down a job; feeling like everyone would be better off without you. I also had a sense of desperation, feeling in despair because they couldn't find out what was wrong with me and give it a name, and it seemed to be taking over more of my body; if only they could find out what it was, I believed, they could stop it progressing.

    What became very clear was that I was only valuing myself for what I could do, not for who I was. I couldn't see that there are people in this world who value me just for being me. Everything about me had been tied up in my job, and with that gone, what did I have left? I didn't even feel I could be a parent properly, I had no energy and no strength. I also felt (with the Workers Comp position of scepticism) that nobody believed that I was really ill, that people thought I was bunging it on, a bludger. Faking it to be lazy, if you need that translated. There was even a bloke hired by the company to try to find some position I could still manage and he said I should read a book called "Love Your Disease - It's Keeping You Well". When I finally found a copy of the book I was so angry I wanted to hunt that man down and tell him a few home truths - the book was about how we 'invent' certain health problems for ourselves as a way of protecting ourselves from over-committment. Utter rubbish.

    In the end I realised I had to grieve for the loss of my dreams, the loss of my career and the total change of direction for my life. It was a rough time but I got through it.

    I'm someone who needs to be busy, so I found something else to do. I began to write. And I found I was good at it, so I worked at it a little more. Now I give classes in writing, among other things.

    Life changed in unexpected ways but as some doors slammed shut, I kicked a few others open. And what I do now - if I had stayed in my career path, I never would have been able to do as much as I can for difficult child 3, let alone the others.

    I'm still disabled and would you believe - they're STILL arguing over what to call whatever-I've-got. I've stopped worrying about whether they could stop its progress - way too late now.

    I've moved part mere existence and marking time, to find fulfilling life beyond it all. It's difficult at times but I figure, with where I've been I can handle anything now.

    Hang in there, you have coped until now so you will continue to be able to manage. Let yourself grieve as you need to, but in the meantime - LIVE!

    Marg
     
  14. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You have had come SERIOUS life changes this year. Whatever you are feeling I am sure it is normal and justified. Feel it and process it.

    Things are changing and at times you have no control over it. Frustrating for sure. I think it is wise to use the time to start the SSDI process - or at least to learn some more about it. I understand it can take a long time to be approved. Even if you never use it, it seems the responsible thing to do.

    I am so glad to see such a good outlook. You are lucky to have a great support system. That is helpful. You are not homeless and most likely never will be.

    HUGS!
     
  15. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Thank you for the support, ladies. You guys always come through. :flower:

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">What became very clear was that I was only valuing myself for what I could do, not for who I was. I couldn't see that there are people in this world who value me just for being me. Everything about me had been tied up in my job, and with that gone, what did I have left? I didn't even feel I could be a parent properly, I had no energy and no strength. I also felt (with the Workers Comp position of scepticism) that nobody believed that I was really ill, that people thought I was bunging it on, a bludger. Faking it to be lazy, if you need that translated. </div></div>

    Marg, this is exactly what I've been feeling/thinking. I'm working on it. It's a process, I guess.

    I've been having a hard time today. I had this house built almost 6 years ago. I have picked out everything that is in the house...from the siding to the light fixtures and everything in between. It's truly mine. My kitchen sink is in the corner with a window on either side. It doesn't have a wonderful view or anything...I look out on my neighbors back yards...but I spent a lot of time today just standing there looking out.

    Sigh...
     
  16. Ephchap

    Ephchap Active Member

    Heather,

    Sending mega hugs your way. Your optimism is truly inspiring, and I have a feeling that between that and your warrior mom mode, you'll get through this.

    Hugs,
    Deb
     
  17. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    ;)- Kid you're gonna be just fine! Don't waste time worrying over things that you can't change it will only add to your frustration when you realize that you did change them, but wasted valuable time worrying.

    Hugs for your day!

    ps. anyone that has had a life threatening injury, health issue or disability and gets SSI would really rather be up every morning, working, and muddling through the day. So don't feel like you're the only one that is sad about loosing your house, loosing your ability to work or loosing your cotton pickin mind (occasionally).

    been there done that and Feel for you!

    Hugs
    Star
     
  18. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Heather. I hope this just is a big bump in the road and you will soon be over it and doing much better. Like you said you are lucky that you have someone to help in your time of need. Be gentle with yourself. -RM
     
  19. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    Heather,

    I've been thinking about you and apologize that I haven't been able to respond to this post alot sooner!!! Anyway, I know you're going to be ok - You are a very strong and wise person. You have the ability to see the glass as being half full rather than half empty. I think this will make the transition a bit easier for you as you will continue to count the blessings you already have...

    Anyway, I just want you to know I'm thinking about you, especially today, as it is the day of the sheriff's sale. I wish I could help you in some way... Although material things really shouldn't matter, I know that it is hard to let go of a home that you put so much of yourself into... I found myself very sentimental and weepy when I moved out of my old house and that was for good reasons.

    Well, just know that you're in my thoughts...WFEN
     
  20. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: wyntersgrace</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I've been having a hard time today. I had this house built almost 6 years ago. I have picked out everything that is in the house...from the siding to the light fixtures and everything in between. It's truly mine. My kitchen sink is in the corner with a window on either side. It doesn't have a wonderful view or anything...I look out on my neighbors back yards...but I spent a lot of time today just standing there looking out. Sigh... </div></div>

    {{{Heather}}} Sending you lots of supportive and gentle hugs, hon. You WILL be okay, you will grow from this time in your life and put it to use later on. Things will be okay and I thank God that your parents are there for you.

    <span style="color: #3333FF">I have to tell this story about changes. My sister turned 61 this past February. About 19 years ago she and her then H moved to the wilds of WV, way up high on a mountain, about as remote as you can get.

    Within 2 years it was discovered that her H was cheating on her. He moved out and started a new life with his new lover. My sister was alone on her mountain.

    She gave up on love, she gave up on many things, but to survive she could not give up on herself and her ability to at the very least support herself. She's an artist (a starving one if you will - lol) and she stayed on the mountain. She learned plumbing, carpentry, how to fix a ride on mower, took care of the 55 acres she owned but couldn't do much with unless she chose to sell it for timber, which once in desperation to buy wood for the winter she did!

    Through her artwork she met many interesting and loving and fun people. She leaned on them, she relished in this new part of her life. Eventually, her older sons moved to a town not so far away.

    Gas prices went up, she grew older and her body failed her more each day. She could no longer maintain her land, mow the lawn in one sitting, keep house, eat right. She lost 4 of her beloved dogs in one year, dogs she'd had for 15 years to love her unconditionally and sleep with her on cold winter nights. She grew tired of having to travel over 24 miles one way just to go to the store and visit her grandkids.

    Her life wasn't always in a constant state of bleakness, but it was getting harder for her.

    Well, this past Fall, she felt she had no choice but to leave her home, the home she built and the love of knowing it was hers and it was private and quiet. She used to go out and swim under the moonlight and not worry about neighbors seeing her. Heck, she could skinny dip if she wanted to and no one would see her.

    Anyway, she sold her home & land after her last dog died and she moved closer to town, the town where her sons and their families lived. Into a small house on a much smaller piece of property - she wasn't thrilled. She was torn. She couldn't handle her old home and land, yet she didn't want to lose what she knew.

    Guess what? She is so happy! She FEELS better, she feels healthier, she's closer to her grandkids, she can work more easily now, she has less to care for and can now live again. She said she's so grateful that this change occurred and she wishes she had the opportunity to do it sooner - she never expected her life to change so dramatically for the better. The transformation has been amazing to witness. </span>

    Heather, I know it's hard for you to leave the house you built and love, but I just know that good things are headed your way - believe it.
     
Loading...