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Can you help me with my son?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 297041" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I once felt you shouldn't tell everything, but if it's something he can find out, I still think it's best if you do. My daughter (youngest) knows her birthfather had been incarcerated for years for a multitude of drug offenses and bad choices, including armed robbery. She also knows his mother and sister are upstanding citizens and that she looks like that side of the family--something important to her to know. She knows her birthmother is great, that we both love each other very much and she doesn't seem at all affected by her birthfather's jailing. She'll shrug it off and say, "It was stupid and I'll tell him that if I see him." She had fantasies that wouldn't quit until we actually contacted her birth relatives, and now she seems much happier because she knows who she is, that at least her birthmother is a good person, who she looks like, where she gets her talent (she gets her athleticism from her birthfather's family and is grateful), etc. Her mind spun all sorts of tales, good and bad and for her nothing beat the truth. She hasn't even shown any further interest in searching. At one time she desperately wanted to find her birthmother. The mystery was taken out of it. I'm sure we'll all still meet again, but she's no longer obsessed about it or upset about her background. ALL PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT THOUGH! </p><p></p><p>There are plenty of kids who grow up in homes where one parent is a jerk or a drug adadict or a crook, and they absord it and deal with it. This is even without their being adopted. </p><p></p><p>My daughter's close friend overheard her mother telling her aunt that she was a product of rape, and she listened in on the conversation. Now she goes around telling everyone that "I am a mistake." She gets VERY upset about it. Since her mother didn't share it with her, yet she found out anyway, it is very disturbing to her and she talks about it only with friends, not a therapist. Her mother has no idea she overheared. Now she wants to meet her birthfather to tell him off...it's sad. And tricky. Her mother was in a tough spot.</p><p></p><p>There is no one answer. I guess the adoption psychologist route is probably the best. What works for my daughter (kids) may not work for your son. I do give credit to my kids--none of them use adoption to bum out on. A therapist can help with that too--that attititude doesn't help anybody and can drag you down.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 297041, member: 1550"] I once felt you shouldn't tell everything, but if it's something he can find out, I still think it's best if you do. My daughter (youngest) knows her birthfather had been incarcerated for years for a multitude of drug offenses and bad choices, including armed robbery. She also knows his mother and sister are upstanding citizens and that she looks like that side of the family--something important to her to know. She knows her birthmother is great, that we both love each other very much and she doesn't seem at all affected by her birthfather's jailing. She'll shrug it off and say, "It was stupid and I'll tell him that if I see him." She had fantasies that wouldn't quit until we actually contacted her birth relatives, and now she seems much happier because she knows who she is, that at least her birthmother is a good person, who she looks like, where she gets her talent (she gets her athleticism from her birthfather's family and is grateful), etc. Her mind spun all sorts of tales, good and bad and for her nothing beat the truth. She hasn't even shown any further interest in searching. At one time she desperately wanted to find her birthmother. The mystery was taken out of it. I'm sure we'll all still meet again, but she's no longer obsessed about it or upset about her background. ALL PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT THOUGH! There are plenty of kids who grow up in homes where one parent is a jerk or a drug adadict or a crook, and they absord it and deal with it. This is even without their being adopted. My daughter's close friend overheard her mother telling her aunt that she was a product of rape, and she listened in on the conversation. Now she goes around telling everyone that "I am a mistake." She gets VERY upset about it. Since her mother didn't share it with her, yet she found out anyway, it is very disturbing to her and she talks about it only with friends, not a therapist. Her mother has no idea she overheared. Now she wants to meet her birthfather to tell him off...it's sad. And tricky. Her mother was in a tough spot. There is no one answer. I guess the adoption psychologist route is probably the best. What works for my daughter (kids) may not work for your son. I do give credit to my kids--none of them use adoption to bum out on. A therapist can help with that too--that attititude doesn't help anybody and can drag you down. [/QUOTE]
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