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Canceling Christmas...has anyone done this?
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 106787" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Hi - Don't think we've spoken before. Nice to meet you. Glad you've found our soft place to land. </p><p></p><p>You know - at age 8 and 5 there are a lot of other behavior modifications that need to be put in place. Currently if I had to make a semi-educated guess based on the level of frustration in your post - I would say you are just flat worn out. You need a break. The word used in our circle of 1/2 life - is RESPITE. </p><p></p><p>If you have a caseworker, ask them TODAY if there are any weekend respite parents who could take difficult child from you for say a week or weekend. That would do a few things: It would give you a chance to mentally unwind, give easy child a break from the feeding frenzy that has now become " Gosh this is fun - we're getting a reaction out of Mom." and Gives difficult child an environment that is different, switches his gears and gives him a break from you. difficult child's usually at that age do well when you switch the environments - because while they are trying to adapt, their brain goes into stealth mode (which is a nice way of saying they are reformatting the little rat in their brain that seems to find every possible button to push where they are that moment." If you take him away from YOU - he has learned what pushes your buttons - but if you put him somewhere else despite that they are fast learners it usually comes out like he's an adorable child and his disability honeymoons - if even for a week. Guaranteed inside of a week he'd have them figured out too. (Mine took less than that) And then they will manipulate that situation just like you - except most respites can "tag team" each other - </p><p></p><p>Baby you are in the WWF smackdown tag team wrestling and your partner (easy child) has gone over to the dark side - difficult child. They are just feeding off each others energy. </p><p></p><p>I didn't have to cancel Christmas at 6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16, and 17 - my son has managed to be home for exactly 3 years out of those 11. One year I saved it all and had Christmas when he got out of a mental hospital - on Valentines Day. I think he was 11. And irregardless of what I ever bought for him - it was always destroyed by New Years. It broke my heart to see it year after year. It has me battling depression currently as I have canceled Christmas - the traditional version of tree, trimmings, presents - and the like - but I will always keep the reason for Christmas in my heart. </p><p>I canceled our celebration because I just can't fake one more day of difficult child being 'normal' to get, then I give and I'm back to the usual behaviors in less than a day. </p><p></p><p>My biggest problem with my son is that almost every year he COULD behave weeks before Christmas. He was pleasant - helpful, kind. I would choose to allow myself this guilty pleasure, but forgot to remember that it's only temporary. The part that the psychologist worked on with us is that if he can behave TEMPORARILY he DID have it in him TO BEHAVE but he made a CHOICE NOT TO. THAT - is the part that gets me the worst. </p><p></p><p>After all these years of hundreds of interventions, medications, behavior modifications and I might add BEING CONSISTANT BEYOND anyones wildest dreams - my son still chooses to have bad behaviors. So due to my depression and inability to fake it one more time - leaving me in a sadder state I have written my son and told him that due to all the years, the holidays, the effort on my part to try to keep the family facade up - I'm just too tired and stated he can't possibly expect me to go on being this sad about something that should make EVERYONE (not just him) happy and not just for a day. </p><p></p><p>It looks like you've gotten a lot of replies to your post. Take the best out of them, and do what you want for yourself and your kids. Maybe have this one last Christmas with them both and get with a good psychiatrist and set up a YEAR GOAL - that starts with Valentines day rewards - if the Month of january wasn't up to snuff or you had to give demerits - then there will be NO DOUBT what the consequence will be. Short term goals seem to work with these kids better and drive home a more thought provoking message. Like the party - I will tell you that you don't threaten - you make a statement and you only make it once. You can drop subtle reminders - but with kids 5 & 8 - constantly telling them over and over and over that you are going to do something is a HUGE parenting mistake. You say it once - then you level consequences. PERIOD NO EXCEPTIONS. </p><p></p><p>WE tend to make exceptions for our kids (or rather I did) because in the beginning it was just too freakin hard to constantly NOT do EVERYTHING. I would say OKAY - we were invited to a party tomorrow, going will depend on your behavior. And then he would act out, and I would think OH GOSH I NEED THIS PARTY I NEED TO BE AROUND OTHER ADULTS, so I would give him another chance, and another and another....and eventually what I taught my kid was that what I said was crud. It didn't hold water - I could say it, he would hear it and then he would hear the 15 warning shrieks and it wasn't until he had TOTALLY exhausted my psyche - that I would relent and give in and cancel an event that would have been fun for us both. Make any sense? </p><p></p><p>So whether you do or don't cancel Christmas is up to you. I would have a serious talk with my kids - and tell them Santa has 10 presents for each of them. HOWEVER you have been instructed that each time one of them says a bad name or misbehaves - you are to (get out a real check list , 2 columns # 1-10_ each childs name at the top of the list) and when/if they cross the line - TAKE A BIG RED PEN OUT AND CROSS OFF A NUMBER starting at the bottom.) Then show them the list - </p><p></p><p>If they CAN behave - then this gives you something to let the psychiatrist know about their behavior. If you did this and got to tonight and all 10 gifts were crossed off - you've got bigger problems and need to all get into therapy. I highly recommend it - for YOUR sanity and THEIR behavior - and you will also (like I did) learn to communicate things like "IF I SAY IT ONE TIME" and mean it. </p><p></p><p>And if you don't like that idea - then maybe you can scale Christmas down just enough so that you don't feel like a putz for going the extra mile for them both - and feeling like you aren't getting the love you are looking for in return. Hide the presents and use them for the new Years - YOU CAN EARN THIS program. </p><p></p><p>Hope it works out for you - and I hope you really do get some respite. You need it, and you will feel energized and able to deal with difficult child for the holidays to come - </p><p></p><p>This year it really isn't about taking away Christmas from my son as much as it is self preservation from mental anxiety. I hope you never ever get to the point I have been the last few weeks. And irregardless of canceling or not - I wish you A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. </p><p></p><p>Hugs</p><p>Starbie the lengthy writer Barbie -</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 106787, member: 4964"] Hi - Don't think we've spoken before. Nice to meet you. Glad you've found our soft place to land. You know - at age 8 and 5 there are a lot of other behavior modifications that need to be put in place. Currently if I had to make a semi-educated guess based on the level of frustration in your post - I would say you are just flat worn out. You need a break. The word used in our circle of 1/2 life - is RESPITE. If you have a caseworker, ask them TODAY if there are any weekend respite parents who could take difficult child from you for say a week or weekend. That would do a few things: It would give you a chance to mentally unwind, give easy child a break from the feeding frenzy that has now become " Gosh this is fun - we're getting a reaction out of Mom." and Gives difficult child an environment that is different, switches his gears and gives him a break from you. difficult child's usually at that age do well when you switch the environments - because while they are trying to adapt, their brain goes into stealth mode (which is a nice way of saying they are reformatting the little rat in their brain that seems to find every possible button to push where they are that moment." If you take him away from YOU - he has learned what pushes your buttons - but if you put him somewhere else despite that they are fast learners it usually comes out like he's an adorable child and his disability honeymoons - if even for a week. Guaranteed inside of a week he'd have them figured out too. (Mine took less than that) And then they will manipulate that situation just like you - except most respites can "tag team" each other - Baby you are in the WWF smackdown tag team wrestling and your partner (easy child) has gone over to the dark side - difficult child. They are just feeding off each others energy. I didn't have to cancel Christmas at 6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16, and 17 - my son has managed to be home for exactly 3 years out of those 11. One year I saved it all and had Christmas when he got out of a mental hospital - on Valentines Day. I think he was 11. And irregardless of what I ever bought for him - it was always destroyed by New Years. It broke my heart to see it year after year. It has me battling depression currently as I have canceled Christmas - the traditional version of tree, trimmings, presents - and the like - but I will always keep the reason for Christmas in my heart. I canceled our celebration because I just can't fake one more day of difficult child being 'normal' to get, then I give and I'm back to the usual behaviors in less than a day. My biggest problem with my son is that almost every year he COULD behave weeks before Christmas. He was pleasant - helpful, kind. I would choose to allow myself this guilty pleasure, but forgot to remember that it's only temporary. The part that the psychologist worked on with us is that if he can behave TEMPORARILY he DID have it in him TO BEHAVE but he made a CHOICE NOT TO. THAT - is the part that gets me the worst. After all these years of hundreds of interventions, medications, behavior modifications and I might add BEING CONSISTANT BEYOND anyones wildest dreams - my son still chooses to have bad behaviors. So due to my depression and inability to fake it one more time - leaving me in a sadder state I have written my son and told him that due to all the years, the holidays, the effort on my part to try to keep the family facade up - I'm just too tired and stated he can't possibly expect me to go on being this sad about something that should make EVERYONE (not just him) happy and not just for a day. It looks like you've gotten a lot of replies to your post. Take the best out of them, and do what you want for yourself and your kids. Maybe have this one last Christmas with them both and get with a good psychiatrist and set up a YEAR GOAL - that starts with Valentines day rewards - if the Month of january wasn't up to snuff or you had to give demerits - then there will be NO DOUBT what the consequence will be. Short term goals seem to work with these kids better and drive home a more thought provoking message. Like the party - I will tell you that you don't threaten - you make a statement and you only make it once. You can drop subtle reminders - but with kids 5 & 8 - constantly telling them over and over and over that you are going to do something is a HUGE parenting mistake. You say it once - then you level consequences. PERIOD NO EXCEPTIONS. WE tend to make exceptions for our kids (or rather I did) because in the beginning it was just too freakin hard to constantly NOT do EVERYTHING. I would say OKAY - we were invited to a party tomorrow, going will depend on your behavior. And then he would act out, and I would think OH GOSH I NEED THIS PARTY I NEED TO BE AROUND OTHER ADULTS, so I would give him another chance, and another and another....and eventually what I taught my kid was that what I said was crud. It didn't hold water - I could say it, he would hear it and then he would hear the 15 warning shrieks and it wasn't until he had TOTALLY exhausted my psyche - that I would relent and give in and cancel an event that would have been fun for us both. Make any sense? So whether you do or don't cancel Christmas is up to you. I would have a serious talk with my kids - and tell them Santa has 10 presents for each of them. HOWEVER you have been instructed that each time one of them says a bad name or misbehaves - you are to (get out a real check list , 2 columns # 1-10_ each childs name at the top of the list) and when/if they cross the line - TAKE A BIG RED PEN OUT AND CROSS OFF A NUMBER starting at the bottom.) Then show them the list - If they CAN behave - then this gives you something to let the psychiatrist know about their behavior. If you did this and got to tonight and all 10 gifts were crossed off - you've got bigger problems and need to all get into therapy. I highly recommend it - for YOUR sanity and THEIR behavior - and you will also (like I did) learn to communicate things like "IF I SAY IT ONE TIME" and mean it. And if you don't like that idea - then maybe you can scale Christmas down just enough so that you don't feel like a putz for going the extra mile for them both - and feeling like you aren't getting the love you are looking for in return. Hide the presents and use them for the new Years - YOU CAN EARN THIS program. Hope it works out for you - and I hope you really do get some respite. You need it, and you will feel energized and able to deal with difficult child for the holidays to come - This year it really isn't about taking away Christmas from my son as much as it is self preservation from mental anxiety. I hope you never ever get to the point I have been the last few weeks. And irregardless of canceling or not - I wish you A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Hugs Starbie the lengthy writer Barbie - [/QUOTE]
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